I hate the British weather or to be more precise the Scottish weather as the rest of the UK, or some at least, have enjoyed spells of nice weather this past month as opposed to the wind, rain and cloud we continue to experience up here. From memory we have had two or three days this year where the weather was decent enough to sit outside and as June approaches in a couple of days that is pitiful. Its the kids I feel most sorry for because this has been another long 4 day weekend where they have rarely stepped out the door and as a result showing all the signs of cabin fever in their frenzied loud actions. That is off the back of many days and weeks holidays this past two months where it has been much the same. Normally my wife would take them up North so they at least had a garden to play in but with her knee still bothering her that has been out of the question.
There is frustration to be found in all things when idle. I've spent the last few days cursing Microsoft and their shitty browser off the back of the blogger problems. For whatever reason since blogger fell off the wall and was pieced back together again I've had problems commenting on some blogs under my own ID. Even when I go to my own blog it says 'Sign in' even though I am logged in. So I upgraded to Microsoft's latest browser, IE 9, which still didn't fix the problem. And to add to the joy I then found my 'publish' button wouldn't work- so I couldn't make new posts on my blog. Since then I have found out that this is a known bug. Great. It was long overdue but I have now finally punted Microsoft's Internet Explorer forever finding that blogging is much smoother under Google Chrome and Firefox. Bye bye Bill Gates.
I was feeling a lot of guilt yesterday because of some fortune- well for me. At the start of the year my dad promised to buy me a Kindle this summer after seeing how taken I was with my mum's. I said not to bother because my dad is forever stressed chasing work from week to week and needs every penny. But he was expected to get compensation for a claim at one workplace where he slipped on a loose tile and battered his chest on the top of a pole. He was in real agony and yet still had to work through the pain and breathing problems because he is self employed. But last week he was told the company had gone into liquidation and so there could be no claim. I told him it was OK but he insisted in giving me the money to buy a Kindle. I am very grateful but the guilt isn't worth it. He told me not to tell anyone which I take it to mean not to tell my sister who he had also made the promise to but will likely not get one and also my mum who probably doesn't know he's given away money they could be using elsewhere. On top of that there is my wife who rightly wants new windows and the loft floored so for me to spend £100 on a Kindle is selfish. True. Its complicated though. My dad likes gadgets. He would be annoyed to say the least if I used that money for anything other than a Kindle. This is something my wife accepts but is still annoyed- I can understand. But I think I have worked out a way to raise the funds for the loft flooring which she is pleased about so all well in the end but the guilt remains.
My dad came on Saturday much earlier than expected. It was strange. I've mentioned visits many times and how difficult I find them so apprehension and anxiety were the usual habitual stuff I experienced. In fact the apprehension was extremely intense this time around as it has been getting more and more. It might not have been helped by my brother coming too. I think I have spoke to him twice in the last two years and can't actually remember the last time I was him. I know he's only seen my three year old son twice. But its not as if there are problems between us as we get on very well. He just lives his life and I live mine- plus he never has a phone for more than a week. His presence though made me feel more anxious. As I said though it was strange because this past week I have found some semblance of acceptance of panic at home. Not that I predict it will stay or even last that long but it has been there. Where normally I would fear panic with visitors, running off to my bedroom and lying there in constant panic until they left I found this had eased. It is based on experience as it has happened more than once. But every time that thoughts came I seemed to say to myself: so what? If I panic and go to my room then I will just lie there, no big deal. They were expected mid to late afternoon but arrived well before midday with the kids in their pyjamas and me just in the door from scouting the streets for the cat who had gone AWOL. They stayed for two hours and although I was highly anxious it never ventured into panic. It felt like I was in control of those urges. So that was good. As I said it may not last but I am hopeful it is something I can cultivate. If I could learn to free myself from panic at home it would put me on good footing to start doing that outdoors because that would be a reversal of the process I went through to get here. I have been keeping a panic diary this last month and my last entry was 19 days ago which is a long time for me because that came after a period of almost daily panic and sometimes more than one a day. Panic though is one thing. Anxiety is still there as a constant but if I could lessen the panic then it may ease the anxiety.
What is becoming more and more evident though is the link, in my case at least, between anxiety and fatigue. Half an hour after my dad and brother left I was lying on the couch with my eyes shut unable to muster the energy to sit up. That was until the boy poked my in the eye and shouted 'wake up daddy!' in my face. No rest for the wicked. The fatigue continues regardless of rest. On Sunday I had over 10 hours sleep and today I had 8 hours sleep yet I am still very tired. What I have also noticed is what I feared a couple of months ago as depression is actually not. It is fatigue. Nowadays the fatigue is makes my eyes water probably because they are so dry and I feel like I have excess saliva which is no doubt down to the constant tension I feel in my face muscles when anxious. This creates an impression of being depressed when in fact inside I don't actually feel that but the ruse is strong and only now am I unmasking it. When I look beneath I feel burnt out with anxiety, there is only so much the body and the mind can take.
On fatigue I would just say there is another reason why I believe in my own case now without doubt it is anxiety generated. I have proved it. Take visitors as an example. There are times before hand I am so tired that I need to lie out but as soon as visitors are in I'm sitting up, moving about and feeling no fatigue at all. In many ways its at least partly a state of mind: if you constantly tell yourself you are tired then you will be. But also when I am really fatigued I get a notebook out and I rationalise everything. I get it all and question my logical and counteract it with alternative statements and try to find a level of acceptance. Not every time but a good few times I have felt the fatigue lift. I don't become a ball of energy. I just feel less tired and able to move about. Its freeing myself from the self placed burden of fatigue. As a good few people have suggested in the past this is why occupation works so well because you don't allow yourself the time for long periods of rumination over how you are feeling. I see this at the moment with my wife too. She told be the other night she was going to make a doctor's appointment to get tested for anemia because she should not feel this tired all the time. What she doesn't see is that she has only felt this since her knee operation. Not being at work and not being able to be as active as usual because of the pain and restricted movement has made her this tired. Also she is on pretty heavy duty pain killers which are tiring enough. And also the fact that not only us but the kids are at times very tired I think some boredom, lack of fresh air and this very dark weather where we rarely see the sun all contributes to feeling more tired than normal.
So we still sit waiting for the sun to break through. The week ahead is the same forecast as last and the week before that, etc. Depressing in its own right. But hopefully some time over the summer we'll get some good weather. In July the family are away for a week to a caravan on the coast with two aunts, grandmother and a cousin so I hope at least by then there is some good weather for them. For me though I think my weather system is more internal and rather than waiting for the clouds to part I have to blow them away myself life cobwebs of anxiety hiding away my happier self. On the front there is at least some optimism at the moment that better weather is on the horizon.
