"Christ,", oh such a blasphemous uttering for a good Catholic woman who had just taken her eldest daughter to her first reconciliation that very day. "Your shoulder are like they are made of stone". Not a reference to power or strength but tension of at times unbearable pressure I have accumulated. I sat on the floor on a pillow as my wife tried in vein to untie the knots of days upon days upon years of tensing up from the world of consciousness. Such a little sin was nothing compared to my colorful expletives in reaction to pushing on muscles that don't won't pushed upon and feel like brick until pressurised. But hey I am a heretical old sod who has no god to answer to so no need to worry. No joke though they are tight knots that with a squeeze don't ease and instead feel like they are going to break.
Squeeze your hand. Squeeze it as hard as you can. Keep it there for as long as you can. Not very comfortable is it but when it gets too much you realise. That is what my shoulders and neck are like but I have no way of releasing the pressure. Bloody pest it is to. Making the mental effort to relax and loosen makes no difference as its in a constant state of tension and is accumulated. Its not all anxiety though that is the largest part. We need a knew mattress as I notice I feel this at is most intense once a week- the one day I get to lie on in the morning. Something about that old mattress ain't good when I get the bed to myself for the latter part and for a longer sleep than usual. Its just over 6 years old and I've tried turning it but it was worse. Other things are a possible unlikely weakness from whiplash many years ago in a train crash or maybe even that rogue bin bag that tore muscles in my upper back which still causes me grief. There was a period where I thought I had high blood pressure because I'd have spells of tension in my face which felt like it was about to explode but investigating further I found on every occasion my neck was tight with tension which was probably the cause.
It leads me to talking about sleep. I was trying today to think of some positives over the course of 4-7 years and I think I have found one. One little bit of resilience brought on by circumstance and thankfully relative decent physical health. My eldest daughter is 7.5 years old and apart from a spell of flu a few months after she was born I have not spent much time in bed. By that I mean I've never said to my wife I need to stay in bed rather than get up because I can't. I suppose it illustrates if you have to you do. So many mornings I just haven't wanted to get up whether it be because I didn't sleep until the very early hours, I just couldn't face the day ahead or both. But I always have done and I suppose that is one positive illustration that I still have some inner strength in there somewhere.
Anyway enough moaning. Just wanted to illustrate that anxiety can be more than "just worry". Agoraphobia can be more than just playing safe at home not brave enough to venture out out. Panic is not just about that period it resides but its the peak of a growing anxious state which had longer term effects on the body. Many actually. Tension that it brings leads to a greater general tension which in turn causes aches, perceived breathing issues, visual problems and a whole host of other things which perversely cause more anxiety in a self perpetuating cycle.
I think though in my case at least a lot is to do with looking at yourself and managing reaction better. My fuse is too short. Anger and stress come to easy. Its something recently I have been looking closely at and trying to approach better. Even if I fail I look and wonder whether I really needed to burst a blood vessel because the kids defied me. A mix of cabin fever from being incarcerated and young energetic children needing an outlet is a potent mix. But I am the adult, the parent, and the one who can act differently. So better self management and a course of massage abuse from the wife are on the agenda on my search for personal inner peace.
