At the mercy of something

Fatigue is always a problem. For some reason though these last two days even though I have been getting more sleep I am extremely agitated with fatigue. Its not the same as tiredness. You do not deflate, you buzz. You feel life drain out of you. Its like the life blood has turned to a thick black tar.

And I wonder why, sitting here in this state after my longest walk this week. Why was it a few weeks ago when I was getting less sleep, had more anxiety and was walking double the distance I am now did I feel OK and yet now I feel like I have ran all day long? Why is it that some times I am fairly OK walking but 10-30 minute after I get home and relax the fatigue crashing in like a wave and the body feels like it is shutting down? Why does it come out the blue like the last two mornings when I have woken up fine and without doing anything around 2 hours later bang! And that is what its like. Its like someone has just set off the loudest fire cracker behind you without you knowing. Its like touching an electrified fence. Its a sudden shock to the system. Why?

I am beginning to wonder if I will ever know. In truth I remember well in 2003 fatigue suddenly hitting me one day and for ever more these 9 years since. I remember well going back and forth to the doctors for tests without explanation. And I remember then in the beginning there was no anxiety. That came later. And then later still agoraphobia which itself was another bang out the blue. One day absent and the next day here to stay forever more.

What I have been trying to do of late is get to the root fear. Trying to uncover what lies beneath all this generating the anxiety. I mean lets face it its fatigue, shrug the shoulders. It passes. Why not just lie down and let it pass? Indeed, why not? Why can I not do that? The only reason I could think of is that as a father of young children I cannot do that. My wife has enough of a burden without me going for long spells to lie down in the bedroom and leaving her to it. Besides that she works too, what then? Do I sleep and leave the children to it?

Today though I see clearly. Right now in this moment I see clearly. Maybe for the first time or at least the first time I have set my attention on it. I see the root fear. It comes in images. Lots of colourful and frightening, to me, images. And from this I understand in this moment the truth but know in a short space of time I will lose hold of it because 9 years of doubt is a hard habit to break. As I said though right now in this moment I see the truth. The truth is it is not the fatigue which is the problem. It is the fear which is the problem. Fear without fatigue is a problem. Fatigue without fear is not a problem. Sorry no, that sounds like I am belittling fatigue. What I am trying to say is that I am trying to find some way to tackle the fatigue while ignoring the fear but in reality I have to tackle the fear before I can tackle the fatigue. Furthermore the fatigue may be, and most likely is, a product of the fear. The constant fear. The constant anxiety. Which is why I am trying to uncover the root fears hidden behind my behavioural patterns so I can work on them.

So this fear, what is it? Quite simple it is the same as all the root fears I have uncovered. It is a fear of consequence. The anxious mind races off down dark corridors and races back with all the gore of what may be happening, all the worst case scenarios. Always fear of consequence. Not fear of how the body actually is. Not fear of the fatigue. But fear of where the fatigue and the feelings could lead to. In this case its also the usual suspect: fear of losing control.

In the past half hour sitting here I have tried to sit calmly and loosely and just look deep within at the fatigue and find the root of the fear, and therefore the anxiety. And here we have the root fear exposing itself. The root fear with fatigue. Ending in a state where I am incapacitated. Where I cannot move. Visions run through my mind. Faces of concern. Medics arriving wanting to take me out of my agoraphobic bubble. Everything that is my sole right taken from my hands and into the hands of others who think they know better. Loss of control.

All in the mind. Lots and lots of people experience the same symptoms but don't fear them, not to the extent of having an anxiety problem with them. The therapist assures me they are symptoms of the anxiety. Worry is tiring. Constant anxiety is fatiguing. That is what I am told. That is also what I read in the Claire Weekes books. So why should I disagree?

And where is the proof? Well maybe its in another question. I asked all those questions about fatigue coming out the blue, taking time to kick in after walks and the like. One other mystery and I did not ask the question and this was the one the therapist put to me: have you ever felt the fatigue bad and/or prolonged and then all of a sudden it just lifts even if it returns again shortly after? Yes, I replied. Many times. So strange. Could spend all day long like an agitated rag doll and then suddenly its gone and sometimes gone for a good time after. I have noticed on occasions being fatigue to the point where I don't even want to sit up yet when visitors arrive I sit up and throughout the visit I am not aware of any fatigue but only too aware of it after they go. Proof that it is mental rather than physical? In my case anyway I tend to agree- in this moment.

So I am not at the mercy of something. I am creator of my own fear leading to my own fatigue leading to fear and so on. Generator of the cycle. A draining cycle. Not at the mercy of anything. Just an irony that I have not been in control of a state I can control and the base fear is the loss of control. Haha! Yes, indeed. So I need to take control. Leave the fatigue alone. Stop stirring it. Break the cycle at source and over time it will be OK. That is the theory anyway.