Point 7

It looks like the lens on my wee compact is gradually giving up. I've tried cleaning it but as you can see one side of the lens is blurring. The weather is too unpredictable to take out my CSC so I might have to resort to the phone.

I've posted a few times over the years about graduated exposure whether it be mentioned in the passing or the focal point of the post. Mainly I have posted about how it doesn't work, for me, as well as why it doesn't work, again for me, but also saying it does have a benefit in my case. That benefit is keeping my "safety zone" as big as possible. When I do not do it then that invisible barrier keeping me from branching out contracts to the point where over time I will be stuck indoors just like I was at the end of 2006 to the start of 2007.
Even though I have spoken about it before I guess its best to briefly explain what it is. Its a form of exposure for agoraphobia, as well as other things, where you push a little further always getting more used to be slightly further away from home until eventually you reach your goal. So you start with your start point, the home, and end with the destination. In between you break the journey from A to B into 10 parts leaving you with 10 points and you first try to journey to point 1. With repetition, and therefore exposure, in time you get to point 1, get comfortable being there and can start moving on to point 2. Easy, in theory.

My problem with it has always been my own situation. This is geared purely towards panic and anxiety. Its a purely mental thing. 100% fight or flight. My own situation is more complicated than that which led me believe it was a futile exercise after many attempts. If I was dealing only with fight or flight then I could see the merit and could really push this thing. But I am not. I am dealing with fatigue too which blurs the lines and makes it harder to understand what is going on and what to do about it.

I say its complicated and here is why. I am told and have read in a few sources that this fatigue is caused by the anxiety. So it is hard to gauge what to deal with when I get to the point where I feel I need to go home. Its a real paradox. A real chicken or egg. I walk away from home. As I walk I get anxious but can keep on to of it to a degree. But with every step I take away from home I am getting more anxious. What am I anxious about? Not where I am going to but my physical ability to make it back home. The anxiety causes me to fatigue and at the same time its the fatigue that I am anxious about. And I just can't seem to break this cycle nor find a way around it.

What I wanted to do was talk about yesterday which was a perfect example and I am still trying to get my head around it. Still asking myself why. Firstly let me say I decided at the start of last year to do this graduated exposure properly and stick to it to see if there was any improvement. Despite picking up and dropping for many years before 2012 the goal is always the same- to the school and nursery. So broken down into 10 points below is the map of my area.

As I said I started this in 2012. Each point is 0.05 miles apart. If you go you must come back so they are effectively 0.1 miles between. 10 points, 1 mile. Not much for anyone else. Is for me. Below is my chart for 2012.

As you can see it did sort of work to a point, week 45 in fact, but even then it was not a smooth stepping up as its supposed to be. The numbers are the total of times I got to that point- bare in mind this is for all my walks and the reason there are so many only to point 1 is that a lot of walks like going to the shops only pass that point. But not smooth and that is always the disheartening thing because you never feel when you get to a point that you can return there problem free. There are a few times where I got to a point once and was not able to get there until 3-4 weeks later- weeks 11, 26 and 29 for example. This is the problem. It is not consistent but now I look at it I also see that up until week 45 I did at least always get there again which is the pain thing no matter how long it took.

Week 45 is another reason its not so linear. Week 45 I had a problem that was not to do with anxiety. These happen. Could be a bug or something else. You can't avoid these. But that was one week and then I really struggled to get back to where I was after then.

Looking at the chart should illustrate it requires patience. It took 3 weeks to reach point 3, 7 to reach point 4, 21 to reach point 5 and 34 weeks to reach point 6. Always taking more time in between. Over half a year to get to just point 6 and nothing further for the rest of the year.

At the top is point 7. Its past point 7 actually looking back and so close to point 8. So close it seems absurd that I didn't just walk there. Why didn't I just walk there? That is what I keep asking myself. Why the panic? Oh the irony. Its there. I look at the photo and it looks straight forward. Why not?

What was I thinking? I was at that point and I was pulled homeward. Again it was not that I could not go any further. My perception before the experience is I imagine what other people who have not experienced think agoraphobia is: a person goes to a point and can go no further. Its not that I cannot go any further. I know now and knew at that point I could easily walk to point 8 and beyond. What was stopping me doing it was the pull home. That is a surface level thought, a call to action. Beneath it deeper in the subconscious is the real fear and that is that I cannot physically make it home the further I go. I will be stranded. Its hard to get back home in panic. Harder the further from home you are and I was reminded the day before.

This is the point. I cannot get home. Rationalise: have I ever had an instance where I could not make it home. Answer: no. So rationally there is nothing to fear but its not enough. This is the fear. This is what keeps me going on. If I am immobilised in panic unable to get home what then. My fear is it will not calm ease until I can get home and in a state of panic that is extremely difficult as I have said. This is contradictory to what the text books say. They say if you stay with it then it will pass. How do you stay with it? Do I just stand there shaking and struggling for breath hoping they were right? The belief in that moment is not there.

This, above, was the day before as tracked by a mobile app. If you compare it to the graduated exposure map you will see I am nearly at point 8. Again I couldn't reach it. It would have taken less than 10 seconds to reach it. Again the same fear driving me back that to go beyond would mean a struggle to get back home. Now I should also point something else out here. In the past I have felt that same fear holding me back from points 3 to 7. That would say that maybe I am wrong and the graduated exposure is working.

Now here is the thing. I took the route exactly as mapped out in the Graduated Exposure map above. Felt I could physically go no further- not even that tiny distance. On the way back I took a different root at point 5 and walked by the ash park. Instead of turning right to go home I went down the street as far as I could go, going north on the map above. That is distance I walked there would have taken me to point 10. So why could I go that distance in that area and not when I reached point 8. Is it apprehension? I had no set point going down the street and so there was no apprehension to get to where I got.

 Image care of Google Street View

This is the path I find myself eventually on and I go right down to the bottom. Its been a long time since I was down there. The last time was when I was stopped by the police for taking photos. Since then I have found it hard to return- close a few times but I used to be able to go beyond it.

 Image care of Google Street View

But it was a mistake. Travelling north is actually travelling down. Its a very steep decline, which hopefully the above image illustrates up to the vanishing point, and as I turned to go home the road ahead rose to the heavens and physically it was more difficult heading homewards. Before I was even a quarter of the way up that street panic that was already rising went full blown and I was reminded then what really keeps me from pushing on because its one of the most horrible frightening experiences I have ever experienced in my life. Not the first time when walking. Over recent years most notably these have happened when I have pushed myself beyond what I feel are my limits like when I went down to Bothwell Bridge and went down to the Clyde. Yes despite the strong fear I wouldn't manage to I did eventually get home those times and did those times but the experience in doing so is not one I am quick to want to repeat. You really have to experience it to know how frightening it is.

This time as I said was no different. I found myself looking at a long way home I just could not see myself making. All uphill. And I couldn't breathe. I felt I was suffocating. No matter how hard I tried to take a deep breath it felt like a shallow whisp and I was bordering on hyperventilation. At the same time my legs were like jelly and I was looking up the incline at the long road again thinking: I am not going to make it. The alarm bells were deafening. I wanted to just lie down but knew I had to go on because I had to get as near to home as I could. Energy was sapping out of me. Still I could not catch a breathe. At this point I tried to remember the CBT: Take a deep breath if you need to but don't use it as a safety mechanism. I could not take a deep breath. What else? Stay mindful. I couldn't. The colour, the sounds and the textures didn't hold much sway when I felt I was about to stop breathing. What else? Anchor on the stomach and notice the tension there and then release the tension. Correct. The stomach was so tensed up it was knotted and this is what was causing the breathing problems. Try as I might though I could not release the tension. It was like my subconscious has a stronger will and was keeping it like a tight fist.

And this went on and on and I was panicking more and more. It was a freezing cold day but despite this I felt the need to take my gloves off and then unzip my jacket and then take off my hat and I think if I had been further from home I might have arrived there in just my socks- that would have created mass panic for anyone in the vicinity. I did get home. In fact I didn't go home. I walked past home and sat on a wall to compose myself before I went back. It took a few minutes but eventually I calmed. So again I did get home despite fearing I would not and even from sitting on the wall I walked another small distance seeing if I could push myself again.

Once more though I would like to quickly go back to that walk from yesterday and my eternal question: is it anxiety or fatigue. I could not get to point 8. To get to point 8 and home is 0.8 miles. To get to point 10, the nursery, and back is 1 mile. Yet I walked more than a mile. Does that answer it?

All of this has been playing on my mind. I try to make sense of it all. I take on one hand what the experts say and on the other hand my experiences and try to match them up to find some clarity. From it all I have came to a conclusion that I have maybe been avoiding because I don't want to admit it. That is that I just don't have the courage. That is hard for me to accept. I have all my life been a strong character and prided myself in that so its hard to accept weakness and vulnerability. But that is the truth. I know what I must do but cannot find the strength inside to do it. What I must do is what they said I need to do and that is push myself into panic as I have done many times but this time not walk away. I need to stay with it. I need to let it pass. I need to discover from experience that it will do me no harm and gradually lose my fear of it. Only by doing this will it start to wane because it is my fear of it keeping the fire alive. It frustrates and saddens me that I cannot find the courage to do this. Years have passed and I am still stuck. This is no life. So I have to ask myself how long I am willing to sit back and take it. How long? Years passed cannot be recaptured but life ahead is ticking by. I am now 41 years old. Can I stay scared and let this dominate me forever? Then another part of me asks what will happen if they are wrong and I find myself pushed over the edge and only find regret thereafter. But then again is that any worse that letting my life pass by?