Doctor Doctor

*I know the photo doesn't link with the post but it was either that, a picture of a phone, a pic of me holding a phone with a look of dismay or stalking my doctor from afar.

Doctor, doctor I really need you to write a note for me.
- Sorry I can't.

Not a funny punchline. In fact not a punchline at all but it felt like something with a punch in it, I didn't find it funny either. And at the moment I felt a strong something. Not sure what but a strong emotion engulfed me. Could have been anger or could have been despair or could even have been both or maybe its was something else. Bah, who cares?

I am of course talking about the phone call from my GP so I could get a letter stating I am not fit for a work focused interview wherever that may be when I send off my appeal against the decision by DWP that I am ready for work. It could well have been that although I always have my doubts I was about 90% sure he'd say yes and I would pick said letter up later so when he said no I about dropped the phone. I'd sought advice from people in the same position who had been through the same thing and this is what they had advised me to do but I guess everywhere is diffrent.

It turns out though it was not all bad news and as he explained par for the course. He told me I had to appeal and then the DWP would contact them direct for information and he would give me his full support. Phew! And furthermore he gave me the name of a council department who help deal with these things and said to contact them so that is my next move with the hope that they can assist in the process.

Aside from the call its been quite an unbelievable day in many respects. My wife said she was astounded when I accompanied her to her friend's house (Waited outside) where I have never been before, then down to the shopping centre, then to the park where we spent 5 minutes with the boy going up and down the chute and finally to the Sport Centre to pick up my oldest. Nearly an hour in total which is a record for me.

Here is the strange thing. I feel I should whisper it. In fact I don't really want to say it for fear of a jinx but I will say it. I actually felt normal. After an hour out I did not feel the need to run home and could have stayed out longer had we needed to. I felt I could go on and on. But I counter that with the fact that 10 minutes after coming home I felt a wave of fatigue flatten me and that is the way it has been for the rest of the night.

Still though as I said before all these little things are building into slightly bigger things and this feeling of normality feels like it could be leading somewhere positive for the first time since all this started- again I am loathe to proclaim on the road to wellness but I feel that way. I don't want to get carried away but I do want more and already this week I have walked 20 miles which for me is huge with still the weekend to go and if I get more of the same I will walk more of the same and keep pushing. Positives. Little bright stars in the dark night. 

The Jury

Lovely. Last Saturday it was. Went down the stairs to go for my walk. Saw the letter. Saw it was addressed to me. Saw it was from the court. And panicked.

Although it turned out I had been selected for jury service my initial reaction was: what have I done? I haven't done anything wrong but that was still my initial reaction, the reaction of an anxious mind which works overtime always. What could I have done? What possibly could the court want with me? Maybe some vindictive evil and twisted person had lied about me to the police. Maybe there was a hate campaign. Maybe it was a prank- once got called up for the army which turned out to be a prank by my aunt and uncle. Or maybe that was not a prank and now the Army were looking for me through the courts. Maybe it was that time I didn't pay poll tax and they have caught up with me. I had a limited company once which was wound up long ago but maybe money was owed or something. Maybe someone had said I was not actually with an anxiety disorder and was cheating the system. Maybe someone had been following me and showing I could walk far enough and they couldn't see anything wrong with me.

The usual paranoid protective thoughts. But as I said it was for jury service. That though was enough to give me a panic attack and I had to take that with me on my walk. I knew if I had not opened the letter it would still cause me too much anxiety while walking. Either way the walk was going to be difficult and it was.

When I got home I scanned for home. It seems if you are an MP or other such privileged person you can get out fairly easily but otherwise they want proof. Fair enough. Why do these things always happen at the weekend? At a time where my hands are tied. Would the doctor give me medical certificate? Would he even be there? Too many unanswered questions and try as I might I could not keep it from my mind over the weekend. As it turned out also Monday was a local holiday so an extra day of waiting as the medical centre was shut.

Anyway, turns out my GP was abroad on holiday as luck would have it but thankfully he was back on Wednesday. Not only that but the receptionists at the medical centre and he together were very understanding and helpful and I had my medical certificate that day which I posted the following. It is not a guarantee I will be exempt but I am hoping. Only time will tell.

That aside not much doing. I don't know if it was that and the walking I am doing but once again struggling with fatigue. I should also say at the start of the week my wife and I had a virus which definitely didn't help and has depleted my reserves further. The last three days have been a nightmare. I get up feeling groggy- like my body is exhausted and had some rest but not enough. Fine though. But an hour or two after walking I get a wave of fatigue crashing down on me which lasts the rest of the day. Its really hard to put up with and then has other problems like sore eyes, neck pain, head pain, etc. I have had it before and it does pass but just no fun when in that state.

Better days lie ahead I am sure. Its depressing when its July and its so grey and wet outside as it has been the last couple of months. And you feel fatigued all the time to the point that you can't even hold you concentration to do anything that may distract you. But as I said it will pass and better days surely ahead.