Going places

This week I will have to fill out that ATOS assessment form. Been putting it off since I noticed the deadline for return was 11th February. So leaving it. Out of sight, out of mind. Not out of the way though. Just the begining. Since its arrival after dealing with a good deal of panic I decided to forget it for a bit. And its helped. Living in ignorance always does.

But things have generally been better. Still a lot of testing things but I had a really good find which seems to be agreeing with me for some reason. I have been tracking my walks since 2009. Its a tiresome process. So I decided to try to find an android app to do it all for me and I find one I did. Its had an amazing effect. It tracks the distance, the time and even the changes in height as well as keeping detailed data and a map with the walks drawn on them. Brilliant. Just what I was looking for, and for free too.

Why its pushed me on I don't know. Last week I did my single biggest walk since starting records in 2009 beating a distance I set in 2010- I won't embarrass myself by saying what that distance is. I also walked the most I have walked in one day. And finally walked the most I had walked in one week. All good stuff and all lifting my mood. Even today I beat my single biggest walk again by a distance I never imagined I would do.

For some unknown reason I feel like I have more energy. Rather than talk distances I will talk in time. Usually my walks are between 10-15 minutes if I do not stop and I usually feel whacked out by the end of them. Today my first walk was 25 minutes and the second was nearly 35 minutes. Again this is with hardly any stopping- stop and I start to get anxious because it brings all the chatter to the front of my mind. And to top it all off I have been feeling relatively OK after the walks as well as during.

It is though never straight forward. It seems every time I start getting somewhere something outwith anxiety rears to put me on hold and inevitably leads to starting over because if I don't walk for a spell then its harder getting out after. In the past its been numerous things like severe constipation in which the pain was so bad I had to call the GP out- the last time I saw him in person. Also after that I got a chest infection. And this is what is worrying me at the moment as I have all the signs of another chest infection. I could well do without it.

Little victories though from this increase in walks and confidence. I have been into the supermarket a few times for a browse but not built up enough confidence to buy anything- which will please my wife as the last time I did she was getting worried that I spent money every time I went for a walk. I have also returned to places I have not been for a long time. Even went into Greggs and bought myself lunch the other day- didn't tell my wife.

So all mostly good for a change and trying to keep my mind above all the bad things happening and the fears of other things happening. If the walks keep going the way they have been going then I think it will be a big improvement. I have not however been working on the anxiety which I really must do. It seems the spell of putting it from my mind has really helped for a bit of respite but on the couple of ocassions I have had panic it has hit me hard because I have not been doing the work.

For now though I have some things to hold on to and some hope to build on. I also have a few experiments in mind but they involve the car and at the moment its off the road again- on its last legs actually and an endless financial drain of resources. The reason I need the car is to seperate anxiety from fatigue and concentrate on the former. If I go somewhere far enough in the car I will panic but its different from the walks because with the walks its 100% about whether I can physically make it back home- anxiety based on he fatigue. Not so with the car. No fatigue sitting in a car. So I need to go somewhere in the car and far enough that I will panic and try to work out what the hell is going on. This is why I need to return to the anxiety work so that when the car is back on the road I am prepared.

Plans in motion anyway.

Winter bugs

We have our the first snow. Should be magical, used to be magical, but when you feel shit in a freezing cold flat and the temperature plummets over night there is nothing magical about it. I'm going around in circles here. A little bird in the snow looking for food. Not sure what type of bird. Willie Wagtail? Don't know.


With my health declining my wife phoned the surgery and I awaited a call. I spoke to the doctor reluctantly. Very nice she was too. One minute and forty seven seconds later a diagnosis over the phone. Chest infection for sure with "I'll leave a little antibiotic for you to pick up at any time". My wife kindly picked it up for me and I have been taking the course this week. Its improved a little but still having these breathless coughing fits which are scary and no fun at all. A lot of breathing related problems. The worst of these is a sudden sharp involuntary intake of breath like the body has decided its not getting enough air or there is a blockage. That is something I don't like at all when it happens. Worries me. But hopefully I am on the path to recovery now and the symptoms will take care of themselves. As I expected the antibiotic is not fast working.


As a result of the illness I have been out even less than last week and the two times I did go out were very hard going indeed. Again frustration but this is going to be like starting over again when I can eventually get back out again. Not helped by the weather. The snow turned to ice making it very slippery underfoot which is not walking weather for me. The wind though was something else.

Scotland has been hit with 100mph winds this week, 165mph up the North, so that lead to the kids being at home one day with the schools shut and even my wife at home as her work closed early- that is her now finished for the year. My main concern with the wind was powercuts but thankfully that never happened. Its cold so no power means no heating which I think would be unbearable at night. And it would mean no hot food. No light. No TV or laptop- no distraction. Don't think I could have handled that.