Fatigue has finally caught up with me and am shattered. Managing in a short space of time to double my biggest walks has left its mark. I woke this morning at six feeling awful with my body buzzing and weak from fatigue. Unlike tiredness fatigue at its worse won't allow for sleep so its been a long day.
This is the time I have to be wise, or try to be. It has been so long since I exercised that I cannot tell if this is normal and I need to be feeling this bad in the short term to let my body improve in the long term. Or am I running into a brick wall? Just don't know but I do know I am shattered and struggling today to walk any kind of distance.
So as I said its time to be wise and time to accept. I can keep trying to go out but not pushing past the point into fatigue. Its in the making that decision to go where the most important habit is built as reluctance leads to anticipatory anxiety, or apprehension as most call it, building that negative habit further. The fatigue though has taken a lot longer than expected which is why it has come out of the blue in my mind because for a period I was waiting for it, expecting it, but it never came and so I presumed I was starting to get on top of it.
The irony is I don't think it was caused physically. I don't think the bigger distances are why I am now extremely fatigued. It is though the reason why even short walks are fatiguing me now. It has I think come from anxiety and panic. On Monday I agreed to meet one of my wife's friends halfway to the school as she was bringing the girls home and had to be somewhere else. No distance to walk in this current period but she was late. So I had to wait in a busy park buzzing with kids just out of school and happier for it, drunk on the joy of release from captivity. I found a bench and with my son waited. And the panic increased. Panic from having to stay there and knowing I was panicking and knowing I had to fight the flight response and try to get home on top of it. Eventually I was home with the kids and relieved but that is when the fatigue started to build.
What it also does, a panic attack, is fill the body with adrenaline. This in turn makes the mind anxious and introspective leading to more panic. And that is what has been happening. More panic, more fatigue. Its like a snowball effect.
As much as it feels like I need rest and take it easy it is actually not that at all. Its the anxiety. I need to deal with that and the physical side will take care of itself. Easier said than done but that is what I must do. So as fatigued as I am I keep pushing. Although my walks have taken a hit this week as I find it harder and harder to push they are still even at this stage better than any previous year for the week before this year. That is with 3 days of walking still to go.
My wife bumped into a woman last night who we know but have not seen in a while and who works in the health service and has some CBT practitioners working under her. After asking how I was doing she offered to get some help if I wanted. I am not sure. Any time there has been help from the outside its ended up putting me back the way but at the same time maybe I need a push a long and someone to talk to directly. So still not sure on that one. Will give it some thought.
Still managing to get out to places and into shops for short spells. If I can get on top of this fatigue the next thing is trying to sit in somewhere. I have it planned out. Start with the cafe in the local supermarket. As well as sitting in they do take away so the plan is to get a tea to take away and sit down with it. This way I can try to stay but if I cannot then I can go with the take away. Would be nothing worse than getting food on a plate, putting it down and then leaving. So that is the plan and then if I can get comfortable with that move on to something that keeps me longer. My wife tells me the kids want to have a meal there one day so that would be perfect preparation. After that there is another cafe but its enclosed with no windows and that would be the next step up. Then much later the Chinese restaurant about half a mile away. Finally further afield- hopefully not another food related place or we will be stone broke.
Also still managing to get to point 8 on my graduated exposure while taking more varied routes. On Monday I was closer to point 9 than point 8 and nearly at the school gates. Its quite a leap in a short time. It seems to be working to some extent so just have to keep at it with fatigue being the main hurdle on that score too.
Much to be happy about at the moment. Nothing ever runs smoothly but if I can accept that and start to appreciate the improvement more instead of lingering on the negatives then I will be heading in the right direction. You just never know. Maybe that one day I thought would never come might be closer than I ever imagined. It just takes little victories which give impetus and confidence and an appetite for more and then a snowballing of a different variety, a better one. And though the road ahead may be hidden in the mist I am starting to believe there is a horizon behind it. And yes, I did just add that in to give some link to the pic at the top (which will come later)
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