Pushing on

Apologies for the photo above. My wife has had the point and shoot more than be lately and it would appear the lens needs a clean. Possibly. Or the lens is starting to go.

Anyway, this is the road school. Its past halfway. I am past halfway. Point 6 I have passed on my 10 point graduated exposure. The first turn to the left after the 4 trees on that side is as far as I can get but further than I have been for a long time. At the end of this road lies the school and nursery. Not right at the end of it unfortunately but points 7 and 8 on my graduated exposure lie on that road before it ends so I am getting closer than I ever have before.

In fact I am getting out longer and going further in general. At the start of the year I was struggling to walk 2 miles a week between the agoraphobia and fatigue. In the past 3 months I have been maintaining 8 miles a week and this week if I stay on schedule it will be my 4th week in a row of over 10 miles. All this and the number of walks has actually dropped as I employ my new strategy of pushing every walk as far as I can and staying out as long as I can. Not without problems of course. I have had so many crashes. Agitated fatigue and regret after passing the point of no return.

But also not to forget little victories. Things that mean nothing to anyone else. Going to into the shops and buying something. Going into my wife's work and sitting waiting 10 minutes for her. Little achievements. Little steps in the right direction.

And today a glimpse of what needs to be done and a little more acceptance that it needs effort and patience to do it. Mindfully. Reaction is the problem. Being mindful and not reacting or reacting less. Detachment from the fear cycle. Separation from constant worry and anxiety to the pure self that lurks beneath. The anxious mind is so fused now with the self that it is welded on. It is going to take time to pull them apart. I see that.

So anyway not going backwards at least and hopefully however small the steps they are in the right direction. Little things I must not forget and must hold on to in prolonged periods of negativity. Getting out of the head and into the world. So many separate parts but if I can work on every little one and keep clicking them into place then somewhere along the road the jigsaw may make sense.