Inner Strength

On Monday I had two walks. They were short but the second was a little longer. Still though it was a struggle. It was like the 3 days of no walking had made my body seize up and its going to take some exercise to loosen it up again. The usual tight chest and laboured breathing right from the off made the walks a struggle. Today I have already been for a walk and it was just as much of a struggle. I find myself almost mentally defeated before going out.

In times past I would have given up straight away. Today's walk though was longer again and it was with my wife so I did not want to walk back early despite how I was feeling. As well as the symptoms already described I get this sort of nerve twitching in the face like it is going to go into spasm- no doubt coming from my neck and back. So I pushed on and done it but feel no better for it. Maybe if I just keep doing it then it will become easier.

Over these weeks and months though I feel I am tapping in more and more to an inner strength which is pulling me further along. As I said I would have been defeated before but now I am trying not to let it bother me. It is probable born of frustration and wanting to get well. Knowing inactivity isn't helping is a spur but also a trial.

The world around us changes our thinking too. At the moment "This Morning" is on in the background, my wife watches it, and there are a few older heavier women cycling across Cuba and here am I younger and less overweight thinking I am physically unable to walk a kilometre. I remember thinking the same annoyance with myself watching a woman cycle across the USA for charity- she was terminally ill with cancer. It really is not on. There was a time when I really was unbreakable but now I am encased in a fragile eggshell.

I was watching the new series "Survivors" last night and it got me thinking. If, like in that program, the majority died and the streets were empty would I still be housebound? Strangely I think not. I think if there was no one about I would walk further which just goes to show how I need to get over a mental rather than physical barrier. The reason I think is that if I walked far and got exhausted I could just lie down undisturbed without interference. Were I to do it now then people would look, some may even enquire and ultimately I would be agitated by the interference. But also it is about how people would see me and I have never liked being the centre of attention. So that could be loosely a social anxiety of sorts or more truthfully a lack of confidence. Maybe I need a confidence boost or a change of attitude. I have said that before. A person who does not care what others think probably would not suffer from anxiety.

I also watch people on TV and I am in awe at how relaxed they are. I think that person has got up, got ready, out the door, travelled to the studio by some means of transport, probably up flights of stairs, hung about for a while and yet still is sitting there so relaxed. Then I think to myself I used to do the same. There was a time not so long ago I used to walk 30 minutes to work, work for 8 hours on my feet up and down stairs and then 30 minutes walk home. I never even gave it a second thought. Even if I had the flu or a bug I would do it without a worry. Now I get a sniffle and cannot get out the door. Well I can but mentally I don't allow myself.

I think what I am saying is that I need a complete change of thinking. My mindset is stuck in a mould of fear and I need to break that. I need a new outlook, a positive one. Until I do that I will be stuck in this safe zone.

Friends

 

I have one friend in particular, who strangely is not in the above lineup despite being part of that lot, who reaches out now and again. He has done for years. I do feel blessed to have good friends despite not seeing them often. This one though goes above and beyond despite being a very popular guy with a huge group of friends in all walks of life. He contacted me out the blue today a while back just to see how things were going. That is the kind of guy he is.

I'm also lucky in that despite heading to my 53rd birthday at the end of the year all my friends are still around. One nearly wasn't and he is pictured above. Thankfully despite small odds he pulled through his particular illness and appears to be on the mend. He is the oldest and has has his landmark birthday like we all have. I'm second in line. I do hope at some point we can all meet up. I do miss it but did get a taste a few years ago. 

From a long time of not being able to leave town I progressed and at one point on a New Years day when we had planned to have a family meal I found myself 30 miles away in a pub with old friends I had not seen for 15 years. To add to that quite by chance a girl we all new from Primary School stumbled in with friends to make it an even better night. It was fantastic- almost. The only downside was my lack of confidence. My wife kindly hung about. She went away in the car for over an hour with the kids to McDonalds to waste some time but when she came back they had to hang about. One of my friends said she and the kids could come in because he knew the staff but she didn't want to. As much as I wanted to stay out all night I had to cut it short because of the guilt. They all stayed on and I was away home but very happy for that moment in time I had longed.

Anyway I met up with two of my pals a month or so later and that was it. Never again. In times since I have been part of the group chat for meet ups. In the beginning I would decline making up excuses as my anxiety was back and growing. Then I got to the point where I stopped even replying because it was accepted that I was not going. Then the messages stopped and I assume a new group chat started and I was not invited. For some time now I have lost all contact as I came off all social media. I would like to get that all back. I get it. If the roles were reversed I would be saying: "There is only so much you can do." People cannot keep trying when there is nothing in response. I get that. I wish it were different but I take some heart from being here before and getting to that night I never thought would ever come. It can happen again. 

The image above was from a time long gone. For £50 each the 4 of us got a train to Northern Ireland, stayed for 5 days and returned. Quite incredible when you think about it. It was a great holiday with lots of tales to tell after. It was a time where I did not have to think about travelling, I just did it. Livingston to Stranraer to Larne to Coleraine to Port Rush. I think, it was a long time ago. At some point we were in Belfast I am sure on a bus and I remember looking at it and thinking how much it looked like Glasgow. Sketchy memories but stories after to talk about for years after. I miss that.

I still push on in my goal to eventually get there. Unfortunately where I am improving mentally I am struggling physically at the moment. Some problem with my knee has me hobbling where I was walking but the last couple of weeks it has been improving- I think. I can't go and get it looked at unfortunately so I have to work around it as best as I can. Its just one of those things I suppose. But as a result I have not walked very far the past couple of months. I plan tomorrow to start pushing it regardless. I need to get out and need to push myself out as far as I can. And if I do that regardless of how my body holds up I will get there in time. It needs patience and a bit of drive. I have been lacking that of late so hopefully in future posts I can shed a more positive light on these things. 

Unendurable

It's taken me a while and much longer than I remember it but finally I am nearing the end of "1984" by George Orwell. My first book in a long while and hopefully the start of getting back into reading again. My kindle tells me I am 91% complete so not long now. I have just gotten to a bit which really struck a chord with me...

"'Do you remember,' said O'brien, 'the moment of panic that used to occur in your dreams? There was a wall of blackness in front of you, and a roaring in your ears. There was something terrible on the other side of the wall. You knew that you knew what it was, but you dared not drag it into the open.'"

That feels about right sometimes. I do feel there is something at the other side of my wall causing the panic. I think I know what it is but don't at the same time because I have buried it so well I cannot remember. There is something there though. Its not visible. Its there. I think I do fear exposing it. And it has been there for as long as I can remember and that is why it is buried in the past. There are times I glimpse it but its not a thing I can put into words. Its a feeling- intense dread. I remember times when I was younger feeling it but now I don't know why and memories merge into others making the waters murky. But although the sounds, the images and even the smells all fade or become entangled in one another the feeling remains as strong now as it was then like I am living it over again. It is there at the point of panic.

That is why when I read in self help books that its important to know panic is harmless and that helps ease the panic I can't relate. I have never thought at the moment of panic that I am going to die or come to any kind of harm. I know lots of people do. For a lot of people its their heart which must be scary. But for me its not that. Its this intense dark dread that comes over me and everything becomes unreal as people carry on normally but for me I have stepped out of sync into a dark alternative reality where a real fear stalks- a bit like putting on the ring in the Lord of the rings books. Nothing on this planet can make me accept that. But its always been there for whatever reason and I buried it but over time it has kept resurfacing until two decades ago the seal cracked open and all the raw fear came flooding in. 

I think Orwell describes it perfectly in his writing. I can relate to it to the point I don't want to linger on it in case my mind goes down that dark alley too far. That led me to another paragraph shortly after.

"'By itself,' he said, 'pain is not always enough. There are occasions when a human being will stand out against pain, even to the point of death. But for everyone there is something unendurable - something that cannot be contemplated. Courage and cowardice are not involved.'"

In the story Winston Smith has been broken by torture and interrogation but still there is a tiny part unbreakable by force alone. This is the final method to completely break the spirit. And that is important here. We all do have something we just cannot contemplate facing. The force of that cannot be put into words. It's just something there inside us. A door we keep closed. And this is the thing most self therapy books I have read don't get. I know opening that door won't kill me. You know that. We do not think this will physically harm us or threaten our mortality. It is just something we feel unable to face. As said by Orwell the ability to face that does not come down to an overabundance of courage versus lack of it. Its something we just cannot handle regardless of how stupid it would appear to others. And this last part is what empowers it further because even if someone says they understand they don't. Even if they show support you know deep down they don't mean it. It's an anomaly that is as hard to pin down as it is to describe but it is very much a personal event. 

In recent years my progress has gone backward dramatically but I still plod away knowing I got there before and can do it again. Thankfully the periods of full blown panic have eased off considerably so its trying to now just get confidence and trust in myself to go back to the places I went before slowly. And I will get there however slowly. Small steps have been made in the right direction and that is all I can ask for. Hopefully over the coming months that progress will increase and this shrunken world I am in will get bigger again.