I was travelling to Edinburgh on the bus when my thoughts turned from the beautiful scenery to inner dialogue. It wasnt actually the road to the capital but I was oblivious at the time. It was open top. There were tree tops. Now in hindsight I have a memory of that when young with other young people. Not the road to Old Reekie. It was instead up north. Remote. A 'b' Road rather than something better. I was on my way somewhere. I think I was meeting friends. I enjoyed the view. There was no sense of wind or tempreture so it was all about the visuals. And as always in my dreams I had my camera despite having never carried a camera in real life for a few years.
I've had many dreams like this and they always go the same way. I tell myself how great it is to be free. How great it is not to have to worry about travelling too far. Then it starts. I feel flickers of anxiety like a hand engine starting before fully kicking in. I tell myself not to dwell but I don't do it calmly. It's started. Oh no. I look about, where is the next bus stop? I need to get off before the panic starts. And there it begins. Once it has seeped through it cannot be reversed. Confidence is eaten up in chunks by doubt like a pacman. I see it in my mind like a disaster movie where the virus takes over the world. I feel it running through me, adrenaline. Now I really need to get off. I'm not going home but I need to be alone even if that is curled up behind a wall out of view until it passes. Then I wake.
There is some reality to it. I remember being almost free of agoraphobia and then the DWP strife weighing me down to the point dread was never far away. I remember our one hour drive up north which was no longer a problem suddenly filling me with panic 10 minutes in. This is the basis for this recurring nightmare which is always a journey and always plays out the same way but in different places and times of day. I am always alone though. It tells me these reactive thoughts are deep rooted again and it's going to take a good deal of time to reverse them again
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