028 Bridge

"Bridge"

This photo was taken on Sunday 27th May 2018. For me it's a significant picture because it marked the start of the downward turn in my life. It wasn't sudden like when it all started- back then I went from non agoraphobic to house bound on one moment. I never so this one coming but at least when I realised what was happening I caught it early enough to ensure I did not let it overwhelm me but it was enough to start the gradual slide.

In the years of managing to go back up to my in laws again we would sometimes use it as a base to go to other places. One of those was Dundee. My wife, her dad and my boy would sometimes go to the football and I would wander about with my camera. My main focus was the Tay rail bridge but there was plenty more to capture like the Law, RSS Discovery and the recently built V&A building- unfortunately it opened when I could no longer go there. One thing I really wanted to do was walk the Tay road bridge. My wife and I had talked about it a few times so one day, this day, we set out or do it.

It was a beautiful day. There was no apprehension whatsoever. I was really looking forward to it even though I had no idea what to expect. My first surprise was that the foot path was not on the outside as I expected. It is in fact in the middle of the bridge between the North and South bound lanes. Next surprise was how loud it was which I really should have expected. It started of with the speed of engines but as we walked further we were further out from land and it was the wind that started to shout louder. Nothing to worry about. This was a beautiful summer day. What must it be like on a stormy day?

It should not have been a problem but it was. For the first time in a while I started to feel agoraphobic as the strong urge to turn back deafened me more than the cars and wind. At the same time I did not want to admit it to my wife. I did not want to spoil it for her. But I did. I tried. I kept going but my breathing started to get more shallow and my balance started to feel off. I was about four fifths across when I finally had to give up. It just got the better of me and I knew pushing further would cause me bigger and more long term problems. So I turned back and my wife did too disappointed. I walked a bit ahead of my wife because it was not calming. In fact the anxiety was esculating into panic as I walked quicker and quicker to get off the bridge. Breathless, dizzy and fleeing. Everything was too bright, too noisy, moving too fast and agitating the life out of me.

In time I was off the bridge. My wife went back to the car and I had a wander taking photos from below and the side. And when the anxiety levels levelled I was left with guilt over spoiling yet another day out. I worried why it had happened. I questioned whether it was the start of a decline. It was. When we drove home from the in-laws it was the last time I would do it. Hopefully though one day I'll be able to correct that.