Prescription

Still slow progress is made but progress nonetheless and enough to keep building another ounce of condifence and another plaster applied to the inner strength as I push my further into what you would deem the mundane and easy. My wife was shocked when I disappeared yesterday for half and hour and handed her a bag from the chemist full of pills. Shocked and pleased because it contained painkillers, she was out of painkillers and in a lot of pain with that knee the hospital butchered. So much pain that she was going to go there herself but was tired from a lot of walking back and forth to the school. It illustrates a little shift in things because I walked there too and did not feel as tired. In fact the fatigue I did feel was nothing like usual and I guess allied to the fact I am not walking with a dodgy painful knee it was enough to get me there.

I hadn't said anything, just went for a walk as usual. Headed for the doctors with the intention of just trying to get there. I got there. I pushed myself in. Only one in the queue. I waited... not too long ...prescription ...thanks  ..time to go home. I walked a few yards home at speed happy I had at least got that but also fighting the panic from the fear of not being able to make it home as my breath became shallow, the legs turned to jelly and my mind raced with dark thoughts of collapses and blue lights and sirens. Then I stopped. And turned back and walked past the doctors and down the street always going further from home and to the chemist. Looked in. One person again- the same person. Same routine. Wait, hand over, wait a little more, bingo and off I was out of there with a big smile on my face and a bag of pills.

I know it doesn't sound like much. I know that. But it was a big thing for me. Who am I trying to convince here? You? Know of course I am trying to convince myself as that part of my brain belittles any positive and sweeps it under the carpet leaving more room for the negativity. If nothing else it felt good to do something for someone else who was not up to doing it for themselves. And today I went to the school. Just outside the gates and waited for the wife to go in and bring the boy out of nursery. Long enough for my oldest daughter to appear at a second floor window and wave. Little bits of progress all threading together and I try to build on them. Positives. At last some positives.

Tomorrow the doctor will call and I have to hope he will write a letter for me to send to the DWP. That is weighing on my mind so it needs sorted one way or the other but dreading a negative outcome.