Cafe

Yes, that is me in a cafe! Pretty normal thing to do I guess but not for me. Not for years. I have been building up to it for a while now and always putting it off. Its not that the supermarket cafe is uninviting or there are bad people there or anything to do with danger. Its just like everything else. Its a place I have to commit to being in. Not completely commit but there comes a point when I have to stay- after I buy something.

Its been a topic of late. DWP are still trying to get me to a work focussed interview in some far off place with the threat that my children will starve if I don't. Don't they think if I could attend those I could attend job interviews and I could work instead of living in a damp ridden shitty 2 bedroom flat with 3 young children who have no garden to play in and no holidays to look forward to? But that is their plan- burn the witch!

And in the process of dealing with that I have been in contact with a council run agency who are now handling my appeal and they are very good- so far. The woman though...not quite sure how you would describe here. She is good cop/ bad cop roled into one. On one hand getting in my face (over the phone) and on the other putting my mind at rest. For example she called and I didn't get the call so she left a message but the tone when I called back was like I should have been there waiting at the end of the phone if I was really agoraphobic. Then after I explained the situation she asked if I could spend 15 minutes going through things and was seriously pissed off when I said I would have to do it the following day as the kids were due in from school- lots of noise, nowhere to escape to and homework time. So the following day when I called it turns out she had meant go down to her office for 15 minutes. Not possible. I had thought she meant over the phone. But she turned to say: yesterday you said you could and today you say you can't so are you telling me your situation has  changed in the past 24 hours? No, that is not what I am saying! But I was so taken I back I mumbled my way through a response to justify my actions even though it was a misunderstanding. And the truth is that they could have changed. Anyone who has experienced agoraphobia will know that what you do one day you cannot always do the following- or for a long time after.

Anyway the point I am trying to get to is that her office is not far away and I can get to it. In fact the other day I went there, sat at reception for 10 minutes and then after handing in a form went on to school and finally back home. The problem is not the place or the people though the place is a problem if it is obviously outside where I can travel too. But there are lots of places I can go to, the problem is staying. Or should I say committing to stay. Its being trapped, the feeling at least. The moment I step into that situation I know the clock is ticking slowly and regardless of how much I panic I cannot escape which is invariably enough reason to panic.

This is part two of my problem and the lady from the council told me this is the problem I have to highlight in my appeal: social preclusion. I have two parts to my anxiety problems. The first is agoraphobia and the start of that is clear because I got in a car one day fine and got out agoraphobic for the ever after. So that was clearly the point I because agoraphobic almost 7 years ago. The social preclusion, as she calls it, came shortly after that. It came about 2 months after that and of course directly related. It was just as sudden. One day my parents came to visit and out of the blue I started panicking and from then until the here and now I had problems with people in places- stuck in situations I could not get out of. So the latter part is the route of appeal they tell me as there is no route for agoraphobia which I find strange but they have in front of them the high score I got which apparently showed I was able for work. I will post the outcome of that when I find out which will no doubt be soon and not be the end of it either way.

So back to sitting in the cafe. It was yesterday. We did the school run and for the first time (with my family and at that time in the day) I made it to the school gates. Then I left but I did not go straight home. Instead I walked about for a bit and then down to the local park in time to meet my wife coming back home. As we walked on I suddenly realised I was starving. I had to eat. So we went to Greggs and after some looking I decided I didn't want anything. Then she suggested the cafe at the supermarket. I was apprehensive but she said we could just get a take away roll if I felt uncomfortable. So at the risk of boring the pants off anyone reading this I went in, looked through their extensive menu, bought a roll and square sausage and we sat down. When I took my coat off I knew I was doing well. I've imagined it many times and the coat always stays on for a quick exit. But I felt fairly calm. Panic kept rising and by the end I was getting more and more of it so happy to leave but I stayed long enough to finish and not run out. It may be a one off but it gives a little more hope- something I have been wanting to do for a long time finally ticked off. It was however the easiest of the situations I want to do because I could at any point walk out with the roll and not draw attention to myself. Its a start though. Breakfast in a cafe.