Sitting out

 

The last week has felt like the start of summer even though its very much the end. It was nice just to get out in the fresh air for a bit and let the dog get out of those 4 walls. As nice as it has been I don't tend to sit out for long. We don't have a fenced garden so we are exposed to the rest of the world. Mostly its OK but I've had some issues in the past. On the day above I'd taken the dog on a short walk but had to come back via a communal area to avoid someone who insists on trying to have a conversation while dog barks drown them out. On leaving this area I felt an acute pain on my knee which I rubbed. It wasn't until I got in indoors I saw the sore area was red and swollen. It felt like a sting but looked like a bite. I still have no idea what it was. Numerous applications of Germolene finally reduced both swelling and redness but it's not gone completely. That was enough to stop me sitting out. It panicked me. I feared I'd have to go to hospital. I can't go. That dilemma kept panic going until I started to see the area getting better. I do need to get a grip at times.

That did not stop me though as I sat out on days after- it was too nice not to. Mostly it was fine. No bites or stings. Very few passers by. But there is always one. One woman approached with small talk. I'm not a fan but don't have a problem normally. When the dog started going nuts though and I basically had to pin him down I did start to get angry when she just kept standing close and talking. Finally though the penny dropped and to her credit she apologised and walked off. By that time though my arm was full of cuts. Not intentional by the dog and nor by the passer by but just always seems to happen. And that was enough to lose my appetite and head back indoors. I do wish the dog was better around people but it doesn't feel like it is going to change. He is scared not aggressive. He shakes and sort of shivers at the moment. Its a shame for him. I just wish I could help him/

I do miss not having a garden. It would be great if the dog could roam and run unchained. The kids refuse to sit out as they feel to exposed. It's far from perfect but it is something. Some people have less, some have nothing. Thankfully in Scotland the weather is not usually good enough for it to matter too much. It was though nice this week just to get some rays even if it was in fits and starts. 

Wish

They say be careful what you wish for. I wished for a proper summer, I was no alone and now we have it. I am melting. We are all melting.

But I am not complaining. Apart from the hit my walks have taken because is so much more difficult trying to get far in baking heat it has been all good. Even just sitting out is good. UV rays my skin has missed and needed are back and the spirit soars with it. Good also for visits because we are not confined to many in a small room but outside where its less claustrophobic. Yesterday it was my youngest daughter's birthday and we sat out the whole day. Well the adults did. The kids for some reason disappeared indoors to play the Wii for most of the time.

And finally I have the decision of my appeal against ATOS's decision to declare me fit for work. What is that decision? I still don't know. It arrived this morning and the letter sits in a pile unopened. It won't be opened in the daylight hours. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow. I know the answer so I am putting it off because I know it will lead to a bout of desperate panic. I put everything off until tomorrow and therein lies my problem. I can't seem to face up to it- I cannot still face the panic.

Its been a strange old week. Most of it has been spent alone while the family were down South for a good few days at a wedding. The wife and boy came back first and the girls arrived back yesterday. So its back to a full home and long days and long weeks ahead. I am trying to work harder with the CBT. I can feel myself starting to slip back. And the problem also with the holidays is I start to stay up later and later but don't rise any later and so fatigue slowly builds which in this heat is no good.

But enough moaning. A short little post from the dull confines of this room before heading out into the sunlight- hopefully a metaphor for something.

Fun in the sun

And when the clouds finally parted then the grey months moved out slowly hang-dogged to reveal the blue we knew was there but had long forgotten and like a diamond sparkling high in the middle was the sun we had so longed to see. Time fell back on itself, when was that time- the last time? I cannot recall. I cannot for the life of me remember that last time so long ago when I sat on the decaying steps leading to our front door with the kids running freely in t-shirts and smiles and the world sang a silent song while we all joined in. Certainly does lift the mood but how long will it last and how long until next time?

It doesn't matter. What matters in living in the moment and enjoying a bit of wonder when it comes and these are the days the little ones will remember when the dark clouds part forever.