The dog and me in 23

I cannot say with 100% certainty but from memory I think this was a first this new year. I am now into my fifty first year and for the first time in my entire life I brought in the bells on my own- well me and the dog to see in 2023. It was strange. I think back to my teenage years spent with family and friends and into my twenties always around people. Not just new year's night but new year's day and days after in pubs and houses and sometimes even with strangers. Then I met my wife and from 1998 onwards I spent every Hogmany with her whether it be out somewhere or more recently at home. The event has meant less and less to be honest but never did I think I would be spending it alone. But I did. I am not sure really why it bothered me so much but it did. It made me anxious and yet the reality is it was just another night. It made me so anxious I was going to keep the TV and radio off until after the year had elapsed but in the end I gave in and listened to the countdown. I had a dram at the bells. I took the dog out a final walk. Then I fell asleep.

Not the most exciting start to the year. There was no looking towards the future and making big plans for the months ahead. No resolutions to break before the week is over. It was just me and the dog and a mostly normal night except for a short period of anxiety over something of nothing. Looking back I think really it is no different in other respects to years past even going back to my late teens. It is a time of building anticipation and excitement and then after that short moment it all sort of falls flat and the reality that it is just another day sets in. Much ado about nothing really other than a reluctance on my part for change. 

In looking forward though I have to say this 2022 was as poor a year as I can remember so my hope is tht it can only get better from here. I have been making some progress again which I hope I can carry on and get back to where I was this time last year. Although the news is filled with nothing good at the moment I do hope everyone has a better and more deserved 2023 than the years since COVID arrived have brought us. All the best. 

Setting

The year is setting like the sun above ever so slowly. My wife decided after being up North at the weekend to see her Octogenarian dad with the kids that they would not be returning to school. They all plan to spend Christmas and New Year up there so potentially exposing them to the new strain in that period when all they would be doing is watching videos and hanging about didn't seem wise. So it felt like the year closed earlier than normal as it also meant kids were up later and rising later. It has in effect felt like a string of weekends tied together. And for my part the year has also set as I have done very little and plan to do even less. I do though have further plans beyond that for the new year as we all no doubt do but mine involve establishing a routine which is missing in my life rather than specific goals.

For some reason on the day I turned 50 I felt the need to wear a shirt and dress a bit smarter. So I donned the first day with a shirt I had never worn and a jumper I had not worn either. Smartened up. And at one point that day the dog found something he should not have had. He wasn't for giving it up. I got a few dog biscuits and threw them down the hall with the hope being he would get them, I would shut the door behind him and remove the problem. But he is smart. He looked at where the treats were tossed, looked at me and then just launched at me. Shirt and jumper were binned as he ripped holes in both and I was left wondering what would have happened had I only been wearing one layer. He never learns. I got the hoover out, turned it on and that was enough to scare him off. I removed the problem and then he appeared with ears back and tail wagging like he had not seen me for weeks. Bizarre but coming an all too familiar routine. Still a new shirt and jumper needed binned.

It did though get me thinking about getting into a routine to organise my day. I have noted a few men of a certain age lately needing their routine of a shave, a wash, dressing and going for a paper or down somewhere for coffee or breakfast. A read. A walk. A shop. That kind of thing. The opposite of getting up and lounging about in PJs because there is no need not to. Routine is more important than I think I realised in my own life at least.

Anyway given we are all supposed to stay indoors when we can there has not been much else going on at the moment. I would expect that to be the case well into the new year. 
 

Midnight creeper

  

A little nocturnal thief has been on the prowl again. Just look at his guilty face. No chance of me just taking the belongings back. That needs a bit of smoke and mirrors. I had to wake my wife to clear up when I took him out first thing as he needs to be out the way to do it. And as soon as we came back in he was straight for the bed then a little bit aggressive that his new possessions were gone.

They are possessions. He doesn't sit and munch them. He just takes them to his lair and guards them. As I type he is growling at anyone passing as I dropped a slice of lime in the kitchen and he was off with it almost before it hit the ground. We know when he does it. He moves faster and his body is lower to the ground as he takes his swag. I have told my wife and oldest countless times about leaving their bags in the floor but it keeps happening. I would have thought the chewed cards would have been a wake up call. 

Cutting

  

" Cutting "

I actually could not say with any certainty that before I got up the other day I had ever cut grass, ever. In my 50th year that is a bit strange. Something tells me I have but I cannot recall. An orange electrical mower rings a bell as does cleaning the grass off the blades of a push mower. But still I can not say for sure I have cut grass. Well I did this week. A kind neighbour called me over while out walking the dog asking if I wanted to borrow the mower she had borrowed from her dad. The grass has become overgrown lately so I jumped at the chance.

I should say the grass has always been cut for us until now. The factor who looked after the flats had always hired a gardener to take care of that. But out the blue they have pulled out leaving us all factorless. That is no bad thing as we have all wanted out of that arrangement for years with no way out- the flats came with one. There were too many things to mention as to why they needed ousted but a couple bordering on the illegal. The rumour at the moment is that they pulled out after being challenged about a car park security light we all pay for. Someone apparently found it was actually a council owned light which they have been charging us for. Whatever the reason I'm glad to be out. Someone from the other block is trying to arrange a new factor but our block of six will not be taking up the offer, tale for another day.

So I mowed our grass and the grass either side of us as one belongs to an elderly man and the other is presently unoccupied. Not a great job as the neighbour told me later. The thing is I left the edges for fear of breaking someone else's equipment but plan to tidy that up this week. Also it was a tangke of cables up the stairs and into the living room with the dog tied up halfway on a long lead to allow him freedom to move. At one point though I looked up to find him wandering about the garden off the lead which set alarm bells running. I was just glad in the end to get it over with. When my wife came back from work she asking if I enjoyed cutting the grass. Did I not find it therapeutic? No, the short answer. 

It won't be the last time though hopefully. That grass will need cut but we don't have any space for a mower. We will have to work something out though as it cannot be left to grow indefinitely. I think next time though I will do it on a day I am not alone so someone can watch the dog indoors or sit outside with him as it was more stress than it should have been. 

Sitting out

 

The last week has felt like the start of summer even though its very much the end. It was nice just to get out in the fresh air for a bit and let the dog get out of those 4 walls. As nice as it has been I don't tend to sit out for long. We don't have a fenced garden so we are exposed to the rest of the world. Mostly its OK but I've had some issues in the past. On the day above I'd taken the dog on a short walk but had to come back via a communal area to avoid someone who insists on trying to have a conversation while dog barks drown them out. On leaving this area I felt an acute pain on my knee which I rubbed. It wasn't until I got in indoors I saw the sore area was red and swollen. It felt like a sting but looked like a bite. I still have no idea what it was. Numerous applications of Germolene finally reduced both swelling and redness but it's not gone completely. That was enough to stop me sitting out. It panicked me. I feared I'd have to go to hospital. I can't go. That dilemma kept panic going until I started to see the area getting better. I do need to get a grip at times.

That did not stop me though as I sat out on days after- it was too nice not to. Mostly it was fine. No bites or stings. Very few passers by. But there is always one. One woman approached with small talk. I'm not a fan but don't have a problem normally. When the dog started going nuts though and I basically had to pin him down I did start to get angry when she just kept standing close and talking. Finally though the penny dropped and to her credit she apologised and walked off. By that time though my arm was full of cuts. Not intentional by the dog and nor by the passer by but just always seems to happen. And that was enough to lose my appetite and head back indoors. I do wish the dog was better around people but it doesn't feel like it is going to change. He is scared not aggressive. He shakes and sort of shivers at the moment. Its a shame for him. I just wish I could help him/

I do miss not having a garden. It would be great if the dog could roam and run unchained. The kids refuse to sit out as they feel to exposed. It's far from perfect but it is something. Some people have less, some have nothing. Thankfully in Scotland the weather is not usually good enough for it to matter too much. It was though nice this week just to get some rays even if it was in fits and starts. 

Overgrown

 

Everything is slowly returning to normal but still there are many signs that we are not completely out of lockdown yet. The image above is not that clear on its own as to what 3 months of no grass cutting will do so I've added an image below of how it normally looks. This area is actually known to us as "Alton Towers". That is very much tongue in cheek. When my oldest was a toddler my wife suggested I take her to the playpark at the top of the street. Unknown to me there were two. There was a brand spanking new one built in the new estate. That is what she meant but I ended up here. All flattened now but at the time it was concrete covered in broken glass, swing frame without the swing and a set of monkey bars. I spent around 10 minutes there wondering all the whole why my wife had pointed me in that direction.

I do wish I had taken more photographs during lockdown because it was so strange and one day it will be forgotten. I remember in the early days walking the dog through town and seeing no one. No cars either. I could walk into the middle of the road and take photos. I wish I'd taken in all tgd signs on every shut up shop. When I went down the park the chute, swings and all the rest were taped off like a crime scene with posters pinned to trees blaming Covid. Scary weird times. I wish I'd taken photos to do a before and after at a later date.

But slowly we are returning to normal, it would seem. No one can really say with certainty that there will not be a second wave. I remain unconvinced because it blew up quickly originally and could do quickly again. I don't think we are yet prepared were that to happen unfortunately. I hope I am wrong though.

Dog Walk

 

The dog is the reason I have been out every day during lockdown as he needs walked. In fact it's one of only two reasons I go out at all nowadays. It's not entirely his fault but as good as it is to have that necessity to go out it is also more restrictive than when I used to venture out alone. He is basically a doggy agoraphobic. He is petrified of most things that stop him in his tracks, have him pulling to get back home or have him frothing at the mouth barking aggressively. Fight or flight or freeze. Ironic. So these walks now are now a battle to see who will chicken out first. For me it's distance from home. For him the aggression is towards other dogs, animals, people, cyclists and anything noisy like motor bikes, bin lorries and the like. The freezing I can relate to as it comes when he does not want to go any further and is not going to be pushed there against his will. The flight is s strange one. It seems to be reflective surfaces like bus shelters, office windows, glass doors and that sort of thing.

His reluctance has made my already receding world all the smaller. Its got me thinking that aside from the many small dog walks per day I might start going on one alone per day to start pushing my boundaries again. It took a long time previously to get to a point where I felt virtually free of agoraphobia and could walk anywhere that was physically possible. It took a short time to fall from the summit down to the foot. Its going to take a long time to get back there again with a lot of difficult times along the way. That journey I must do alone and I do plan to start doing that soon.

Lull

 

I am in danger of running out of things to say for sure. I could talk about coronavirus throughout the world and the figures but not only would that be depressing it would also mean going and finding out more because I am shielding from it where I can. I could talk about the long days indoors and the angst that brings. I could talk about the great work being done by NHS staff to treat and care for people or the shop workers keeping us all supplied each day or the logistical people keeping it all threaded together. In time I think people will look back and see heroes in this time who went over and above to keep this little island ticking that maybe do not get all the gratitude they deserve at the moment.

For us its still the slow grind. The exception is my wife who is doing deliveries to people at the moment as part of a council led initiative. To my knowledge it is exclusively for older people as many deliveries are to nursing homes. I think from what she says many enjoy the company as much as the hot meal as they may not see anyone for long periods. And sadly that part is being reduced so some suit can get the delivery times down to look good on a spreadsheet. Anyway for now it is rewarding my wife says but rather selfishly I still fear more outdoor contact wife people increases the risk for all of us indoors. Lets face it if one of us gets it we are all getting it.

The walks remain the single break from the mundane for the rest of us. The dog gets several shorts walks a day but also one long one where he gets to proper stretch. And its good for us too. Being out in the woodlands and near rivers and general outdoors is good mentally. I am used to it now. Its more for the kids really to stop them going mad indoors. It started as a big of a chore to be honest but now its enjoyable so we must be doing something right. 

The secret garden

 

There has been no change on the lockdown front but we have found a way to get some fresh air while keeping away from others. We have decided to take the dog out as a family most days and on other days anywhere from 2-5 of us. Always me and the wife. We have found an area in the woods that my wife calls "The secret garden". Its neither but it does seem to be infrequently inhabited, open and green. The dog loves it as he is virtually off the lead. If you look closely you can see the long black training lead trailing behind him. In his head he is free. Mostly its fine because apart from some deer we rarely see anything living but I try to stay lose as whenever a train passes he goes for it at top speed and I have to try to stop him. My wife says there is a fence that will stop him but running into a wire fence at speed you don't see coming is no fun. It did one happen to me getting chased once when I was younger and not only took the wind out me at stomach level on impact but flipped me over too with a crash.

Its great down there though. We feel like we are away from it all and the kids are getting out more probably in lockdown than they usually do outside of school. We just saunter. I had trouble getting down there to begin with but now its fine. There is a part of me concerned by kids drinking alcohol down there who are not at this spot but at the point you need to get through to get there. Its the other side of the railway bridge which is out the way and a favourite space for underage drinking as it has a concrete floor despite being in the woods which is a throwback to a slaughterhouse from years ago. Also there are places to sit. It ticks all the boxes. There are kids down there all the time. I talked to a guy who stays down there and it can get very bad at times with kids not even in there teens falling about drunk down there.

Its a far cry from this little area of serenity which is bliss. Its great for the mental health. Its an escape from the prison walls. We are lucky.

Strangers in the night

 

And so it begins...again

 

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Its been nearly 2 years since my last post which is probably an indication of how well things were going at that time. In that period though things have crumbled again. I was in a good place and getting ever closer to full recovery but then it all went bad. This was in no small way down to the DWP stopping my money again. Something I was talking about 2 years ago when I was visiting the job centre- something I never thought I would manage. It didn't last. The constant panic each visit lengthened from the 15 minutes there to the night before and morning, the Saturday and after. It was doing me no good and they were, I felt, looking for a way to get me off their books so to speak by any means. So I jumped ship but too late as the damage was done. That increased anxiety combined with the lack of money saw all my progress disappear. I had gotten on public transport again but with no money to continue that I stopped using it and now can't get on again. My wife had to work more and so we could no longer go for drives and even if we could we could not afford the fuel to do it. I kept walking. That was the only thing lack of money could not stop me doing but that anxiety got worse and worse. They fell back too. And not being able to go far by car or other transport meant my world shrunk and anxiety grew with it.

I feel I am back at the start again. Not completely at the start but near enough. I feel like I am about to begin again looking to recover from these anxiety problems which have taken a large chunk of my life. Of course this time around though I am in a much better place. When this all first started I had no idea genuinely if I would ever get better. My mind felt like it could not be altered to calm and get back to normality. That constant doubt and fear kept me stuck a long time. I now know it is possible. I almost got there. I got far enough to know I can definitely recover from this. There is still time. But there are still the same problems existing and new ones and no doubt more yet unseen. I still have no income. I did win my case at the tribunal but got a letter saying I had not earned the funds to keep receiving my allowance. I did though get a chunk of cash backdated but that will run out very soon given I am servicing a debt on top. All that said I need to push on. I cannot just wallow. I need to start moving forward again. This time I am better prepared. There is no need now for me to try medication or deal with CPNs or all the other things that did not work. I know what works. I cannot travel at the moment but with walking and CBT I can start to get better again and in time the rest will hopefully fall into place.

So I have decided to start blogging my attempt at recovery again starting today. I think the best way to do thing is with a weekly post starting today. I hadn't planned on it being a Wednesday but given today is the start of a new year, a new decade and hopefully a new beginning that is what I will go with. As you can imagine not much to report this week. I hope everyone had a good new year and days ahead are good ones. 

Not a lot has changed except everyone has gotten older. We have a new addition to the family who is featuring in the picture. His name is Rio (he came with his own name and passport) and he came all the way from Romania. It was my wife's idea but as with everything it would seem it hasn't quite worked out as we would have hoped. More on that in good time. He is mixed but a mix of what we do not know. Google seems to think part Transylvanian hound which would fit but really it matters not. He is who he is regardless of type.

One last thing. Although this is a blog about anxiety and attempted recovery I hope to also post about other things otherwise it would be a pretty boring affair. There is always lots in like to mull over and its a dristraction from the daily monotony of agoraphobic life if nothing else. 

Walking the dog

I am beginning to wonder if I am Noah. The rain has not stopped falling and may soon pick up our little home and take us away. In preparation for this it would seen the animals have been making their slow pilgrimage to our Ark. Some time ago we were asked to temporary home a cat by a couple who were emigrating to Australia and noone has ever come back to claim him. Sometime after that we got another cat which once belonged to my wife but apparently like a library book the loan period of a number of years expired and the cat returned. Two cats. Then on Saturday a big dog arrived for an "overnighter". Still he is here with no sign of anyone coming to collect him any time soon. And I wonder if the next person to appear comes to give and not to collect to make up two doggies. Then budgies and rabbits and whatever else. This little ark is bursting as it is. A small two bedroom hovel housing 2 adults, 3 kids, 2 cats and a big dog.

No need to worry though as the old dog will be collected within the next week. For one we couldn't afford to feed him for any longer. But he has been a great distraction for the children. An excuse to go outside so they can take him over to the grasslands across the road and stay with him for a time. A chance to show him off. And the chance for us to all go walking the dog as a family.

I would not have contemplated this at the start of the year. No chance. Yesterday though we took him for his second long walk and as a family (kids were off on holiday) we walked right around the main park in the area. The first time I have ever done it. In fact my wife and I started to do it the day before but I had to break off as I was finding it too hard so it was good not get straight back on the horse as they say- no thanks, the ark is full!

Not without panic but I have come to accept that. Lots of panic and at one point full blown panic which did having me walking quickly ahead of the others but I managed to control it enough to slow down and let them catch up. That old feeling I could not breathe again and so far from home and doubt I could make it home and again I cannot breathe and thoughts of falling down as the dizziness kicked in and images of ambulances and paramedics and I tell myself to calm as I will be OK but I cannot for the life of me get a breath. But I stayed and eventually the breathing eased. And no-one noticed. Nor did I tell my wife after. It was also good that they did not make a big fuss about it despite it being a big thing because that is the bit I don't like. Things though have been going so well lately that I think now they don't expect anything else other than to be able to do it. That is fine by me. Maybe that helps too.

Panic aside it was good to be out with my family for a stroll. Not the most picturesque and not the nicest weather but a bit of normality I have strived so long for finally experienced. Panic with them all but they are all bare thread which when multiplied and woven together with time will give me a quilt of normality. That is what I feel. That is the hope I feel.