The change

As I was saying the other day I feel reluctant to say it but I feel a real change or have at least experienced a change in the past week. I find it hard to admit because these things, positives, never last and so usually are just a big build up to an even bigger fall. But everything about this is different from anything I have experienced in the past few years. I am going further and out for longer but its more than that. I am not reaching a point and then quickly retreating after the urge to flee because too much to stand and later sure that I will not be able to repeat the act anytime soon. Instead I am getting places or staying places and the urge to flee is not there. This is new. This feels almost normal. Will it last? That is the eternal question but maybe I should stop asking it and just enjoy this for however long it lasts. Its a wish granted that I never thought would come and I am left not thinking if I can repeat the acts but wondering how much further I can go and how long I can stay out. There are no black thoughts of return journeys but instead a real belief of restuarants and travelling to family and maybe a little holiday away and days out. They are real. This is all new and still I worry that saying all this is going to leave me mopping up the mess later.

Yesterday as usual my wife took the kids shopping alone and I waited for the call when they were leaving to go around and bring the shopping home. Then I thought why wait? I had already walked them all the way to church which is the furthest I have ever been in that direction and actually well past the old school and nursery I used to panic at in the car- impossible to get to walking. And I thought nothing of it- I could have walked on. So I called my wife to find she was still shopping, I went around to find her in the queue for the checkout and I joined her. I stayed the hole time and not one urge to flee. I came home with the shopping at my own pace. 22 miles for the week. Lots of new places. Things more positive but can it continue?