Loch

On Sunday we went to a heritage park some distance away. It didn't quite go to plan but not to worry as these things happen. I still got out and as it turns out even without being prone to panic we would have been sent packing regardless. Strangely I was looking forward to it- and why not?

Its not much of an area to be honest. The area is dominated by a 16 acre loch and most of the activity in winter centres around the path around it which is less than a mile- I only managed one third of that. The path attracts a fairly scenic view in all weathers with the people I saw being a mix of people just out for a stroll and dog walkers. Apparently in the summer its very nice and you can go out on the loch in little boats for hire. That would be nice. Something to put on the checklist.

As I said we got out and got about a third of the way around and that is when the panic really hit me. It had been building on the car journey all the way there. I thought though I was on top of it and was instead thinking of all the new scenery in world I could capture with my little camera- didn't take the good one in case it rained. As it turned out the weather had different plans.

The panic in these situations always manifests the same way. The main symptons come at once. I shake and I struggle for breathe and the mind races too fast making me feel agitated. Images fore most in my mind are of where I am in relation to where home is. This is key. This is the thing I must rationalise and tackle. I remember it years ago at my daughter's nursery and it sent me driving home quickly and carelessly. The absence of these images, these (false) alarms, is the reason I got through the pub and McDonalds. As bad as the anxiety was those times these images did not surface.

What I learned previously is that panic does go down but what I have learned since is that it only happens if you can untangle yourself enough from it to allow it to go down. This time I was compeltely caught up on it. Determined not to run back to the car I tried to walk slowly. The kids then saw this as an opportunity to run into a play park and start playing on swings and the like. The oldest wanted her photo taken and so I obliged but as I did saw I was too aware that my hands were really shaking. I even tried holding this little camera with two hands but made no difference. If that was not bad enough, in terms of getting some clear photographs, the weather decided to turn stormy incredibly quickly. From a cold but clear day it was suddenly black, windy and chucking it down. The kids ran for the car. I made my way to the ducks and swans to get some snaps but all I got were blurry rain slodged affairs which no doubt did my camera no good at all. There will though be other days.

Not good but it turned out to be a bit of a blessing because it would have been a nightmare being caught in that halfway around the loch. The kids were drenched enough and had a real struggle walking back into a strong oncoming wind. We then treated them to hot chocolate at the cafe on the way home which brought no anxiety whatsoever which was good.

Yesterday a little more of the same. I do at least keep trying. This time a tea room about twice as far from home as the cafe on foot and another place I have never been in before. I think the panic from the previous day didn't help. I went in and stayed half an hour but it was 30 minutes of torture. This time I reminded myself how the panic eases, this time it didn't. It stayed the whole time. A different kind of panic. This time the eyes were staring and I could not get out of that distant focus and the room seemed far too bright. The distance was not so much the problem which is probably why I was not bothered by those images. It was the intamacy. The cafe is spacious but this tea room is small and square and was busy. Not that there was any threat but I just felt self conscious about giving int the urge to flee which may have been in the end the only reason I stayed. I will go back again. Even if its only to see if its easier next time like it was at McDonalds when we returned at the weekend there again- no anxiety whatsoever.

Its all a learning process and the important thing I must remind myself is a year ago, maybe even 6 months ago, I would not even entertain the thought of trying these things- the thought was bad enough. I am now not only trying them but doing them and getting through them rightly or wrongly. CBT tells me that this is the way it happens and there is no other way- it won't just be a breeze. It also tells me the harder times are more beneficial than the easier times because that is when we get a chance to put what we have learned into practice and test which we cannot do if there is no anxiety. If I go out time and again to places that cause me no anxiety then it will be for nothing because the fear will remain and if I should put myself out further will return. So its important to keep going and keep pushing myself into it and keep doing the CBT in that hope that everything will at some day in the future click into place. And how will I know? I will know when I go out and feel that bad with panic but don't care. When I lose the fear and that would be enough to diffuse it, break the anticipatory anxiety (apprehension) cycle and stop the panic happening. The only way I will find out if that is true is to keep putting myself into the storm.