Pub

Not a new lifestyle change but certainly an achievement. Me, above, in a pub with a pint. My first pint a pub since 2006. And yet it means less to me that it did to my wife. Maybe its the anxiety stopping me enjoying the moment. Maybe its the relief when its over. I don't know. But if you want an indication of what it really means then I am not the best yard stick. The fact my wife cried and had to compose herself probably says it all.

We went for a long (ish) drive and on the way back she suggested we stop off at a pub. I was reluctant but then decided I had to at least try. Many years ago I would have laughed at anyone who suggested I might be reluctant to go the pub when invited. So we went and my wife park and already the anxiety was growing. As we waited to be served inside it grew further still but the peak came as I sat down with the pint. That is when the mind machine really kicked into gear: you are going to look stupid if you leave now and waste that drink. You must leave now, you are so far from home. The tip of the iceberg in a torrent of thoughts and urges to get out. But after 5-10 minutes of sitting fighting it eased. My wife had a fresh orange and I supped on the pint until it was dry. Whether it was the alcohol or not I am not sure but I was ready for another I was so relaxed. I didn't have one though.

Instead we drove home and then walked up to the school to collect the kids. On the way back we went to the supermarket and done a shop. From home and back with the school and shopping in between was 2 hours alone. That along with the drink in the pub made for a memorable day. The former becoming some what routine now which is a very good sign. I just hope this is the start of many. The long term plan is to get out to a restaurant with my wife in small steps. Preferably in a month's time for our wedding anniversary. The chances are slim to none at the moment because I can't rush this or I will just go backwards. But the fact it is even a remote possibility, to the point my wife's friend has already said she will take the kids for a few hours, is a massive step forward. That would be an incredible achievement.

Lastly when I came back home finally there was a letter from the DWP to tell me that regardless of what happens if I do not have a job by May all money will stop. The state of play with the appeal is that it will now happen at the start of next month and in the same month I am to go to the job centre for another work related interview. I am just hoping my appeal goes for me but not hopeful. I am not looking for a way out of working but instead more concerned that the pressure being put on is going to be counterproductive to my attempt to get well again. But the fact is 4 months until serious financial problems unless I can get myself "normal" again. No pressure then...