I always knew it would arrive and I have suspected all along it would not go well but finally its almost here and I am not looking forward to it. In truth I have had a long stay of execution. 2013 started as badly as it could get when the first post of the year arrived and it was from the Job Centre summoning me to a medical. After filling out the relevant form honestly I awaited news of a home visit for the medical rather than going out to one. Instead I recieved a letter from ATOS effectively bypassing any need for a medical and declaring I was fit for work with immediate effect- the price for saying you want to work, can't go out so would gladly work from home even if it meant licking envelopes all day just to be working. That led to me appealing against the decision and this appeal has been on hold- until now.
A couple of weeks ago I recieved a letter saying the appeal would be heard on 10th February with some notes about attending. That was followed by a letter from the people representing me calling me to a meeting to prepare for that appeal. Somehow having told both parties I am appealing because I cannot go out to places and especially stay in them I am still being asked to do so to justify why I can't. I have a fear of flying: OK then just jump on a plane over here and we will discuss it. Frustrating.
A phone call changed the meeting with my representatives to a phone call. This took place this morning in a fit of sheet panic- always do when I feel I have to justify that I am not lying or faking it. I don't know whether that is a bad reflection on society for thinking that way about "benefit scroungers" or a bad reflection on myself for assuming everyone thinks that way. I do though see that opinion alot on forums and particularly on Facebook from people who work. And heard it from a few people in my home- especially the Scottish Power guy. Whatever it is I can only say I am willing to work but cannot out of the home. I will also say that for as long as I have not been in employment I have tried to get better and back into work off my own back. When I was made redundant I did not claim a penny of benefits for 18 months. In that time I lived off my redundancy money until it ran dry and paid a lot of money for a Web Design course in the hope of creating my own employment from home until I was able to get back into a workplace again. Only when the pot ran dry did I have to seek some other financial income. And why did I have to do that? Well simple. 50% of any benefit I have ever had goes straight to the Halifax who tied me in to a 30% APR credit card which I stupidly ran up over a decade ago. That 50% does not bring that total debt down. It only maintains it. And the reality is that my main concern over losing this benefit is that debt which I will no longer be able to service. Its a terrible situation in all honesty. I do regret getting myself into as much as I regret trying to be self sufficient and trying to avoid being a benefit scrounger. When I was made redundant I could have paid 75% of that debt off and claimed benefits straight away and we would not be in this predicament. I though chose instead to try to do it without help which has backfired.
It seems the way of things. I talked to the representative this morning and he was a nice guy. Understanding. Not full of hope though. It looks very bleak indeed. Not only that but it appears any effort on my part to recover is further hampering my chances of winning the appeal. As I cannot attend the appeal on Monday there are two routes and only one crack at this. One route is to allow him to solely operate on my behalf but this would only give me the slimmest of chances. The better route is to have the appeal come to me and have me sit with them at home giving my side of things. But I chose the former. I just cannot bare that regardless of whether it gives me a better chance. The panic call was bad enough today. Having people come in and question me- the doubters- would mess me up for a long time to come. And this is why I have to take the gamble. Over the past year I have progressed so much but have so much further still to go. One big bad incident would send me spiralling right back at this stage. So the choice is not as simple as what is the best option for my appeal. Its a balance of that and what is the best option for my recovery. To be set back badly now would be too crushing to contemplate. And this is what annoys me because if the government want me to get back to work then this is the very worst thing they could be doing.
So that is how it stands at the moment. Judging by the sound of the man's voice "slim chance" is vague at most. He went through a number of reasons why and to be honest it lost me because I was panicking so much. Something about meeting criteria on one level but meeting no criteria on the level that mattered. Although a court of law is willing to excuse me from jury duty on the advice of my GP the DWP is not and instead I must meet some stupid system that makes no sense in the real world and will be ripped up some time in the future when its too late for me.
One of the things I found most disappointing, as I briefly referred to above, is that my attempts to get better and get into employment are actually working against me believe it or not. Apparently its not good news that I have agreed to attend my next job centre interview even though its only if I can make it at that time and 99% sure it will instead be another phone interview. The fact that I am trying to get there is proof that I am capable so why then can I not work? Going out, going places and all the other things I have done of late are evidence that I am ready to go back to work. It would appear that to have a better chance of winning the appeal I would have been better off sitting at home doing nothing and refusing point blank to do anything. That is depressing.
I am therefore resigned to losing the appeal and its the day I have been dreading for a year. It must pass though and after it does I must try to find a way out of the mess it leaves behind starting with the bank and the job centre.
No comments:
Post a Comment