I was in such a panic that even my wife started to fidget and look a little distressed next to me. Tried notto let her catch my eye as I felt the words that would come would see me cave in entirely. But in truth I was already there. Already at the point of shouting at this lady to get out who had done nothing wrong. For around 5 minutes the CPN talked on and I heard not a word but kept muttering acknowledgements as if I was listening but I'd allowed the panic to go too far and I just couldn't take it any more. I couldn't see a way out and I was really surprised that she didn't see something was wrong- or maybe she did but didn't want to let on. They say as much as you think you will cause a scene you won't. It irks me that it proved true today but I was so close to it because I could see no other way out and if the CPN were not go then I would have. Yes it passed but Christ it was bad and I have no will to feel like that. An hour later my wife enquired and then said she could see my leg shaking. That wasn't all that was shaking. My neck was shaking so much that I was having trouble lifting my head up and the tension in my face and head was causing vibrations there too. Yucky.
Things didn't go well from the off. For a start the CPN was 45 minutes late, arrived in a car outside and then called up to say that she knew it was early but could she come up at that point. So I told her she was in fact late and after checking her diary she saw here mistake. Fair enough mistakes happen and its not as if I was going anywhere. What was most disappointing for my wife though was the medication. My wife actually called the medical centre yesterday expecting to pick up a prescription for some happy pills, or to her magic pills, only to be told there was nothing there. And on questioning today the CPN admitted she was yet to talk to the psychiatrist in charge about that.
Not all bad though. I'll be honest and say that what is on offer is what I expected but much better presented this time around and more accurate too. Years ago the CPN I had gave me a relaxation, progressive muscle relaxation and visualisation CD which she told me to listen to, spent 5 minutes relaying post-it notes from a colleague on the crappy multiple choices I had to do that had nothing to do with anxiety and then spent the rest of the hour telling me about her weekend. This time I got the Relaxation and PMR cds with a full explanation on why I need to use them, how they will benefit me and also informed that it takes time and practice before I will see any benefits- last time I used them for a couple of days and gave up. Not only that but she took me through them with a demonstration where she got me to do some PMR and abdominal breathing and I have to say in that moment at least it did relax me and I had very little anxiety thereafter- should have maybe said something before I panicked.
She spent an hour going through things and stopping to make sure I understood what she was saying and also probing for questioning. She explained things very well and does seem to know what she is talking about. A lot of the stuff I already knew but for my wife who knows very little about anxiety it was informative. So apart from a few niggles and a panic attack not too bad.
Next session in two weeks is about preparing to tackle going out and will be based on the many forms I have to work through. The session after that will be about setting out to try some goals and see how I get on but she did say its not about pushing yourself beyond what I think will be ultimately detrimental. That I can understand. I learned that lesson the hard way in the past many times but still prone to the odd lapse through frustration.
As much as there are positives I'm glad the next session is two weeks away. I'm not sure why I am finding these so hard. Over the last year I have been coping much better with people visiting. The norm has been a difficult first 10 minutes and then fine after. But these visits have been hard going and I dare say it will effect all other visits now. But I'll give this stuff a try. I do need something to relax me because I've had trouble with tension this week which was mainly in the shoulders but had progressed to other areas- tired bleary eyes being the most irritating. My wife is also going to give me a shoulder massage which today she was happy about as I said it would have no effect on the tension and the CPN sided with her. So maybe with 2 weeks of winding the body down I might handle the next visit better. Have to wait and see.
