I feel like the second hand has stuck. It slides forward and just as its about to click into a new second it is yanked back. And it continues like that over and over. I am stuck in the moment which would be fine if it was a good moment but it is not. Its forever bad.
Whether its coincidence or not I am unsure but some very rough mental seas this past month or so have coincided with the CPN visits. Rather than easing the anxiety they have increased it considerably. So much so that today I cancelled this Friday's visit and will reschedule later. Its days of apprehension before, panic at the time and anxious nervous tension and fatigue after. I just couldn't face another visit this Friday when I have the kids for most of the day alone. That last time she was here for over an hour and a half then only left because my family arrived home and it was 90 minutes of falling in and out of panic. I think what is irritating me most at the moment is the big deal made of me never being medicated and how that was a must and yet here I am still without a word. I've asked twice now about what is happening with it only to be told its in the hands of the psychiatrist who has yet to contact me. I'm not looking for a cure or even a crutch but just some relief, a breather. I read about so many people getting some relief from meds that I think now its time I had a bit of that just to steady this ship for a bit before I go prancing off into panic with a set of tools. The last time she was in last week she actually noticed the panic which she didn't before even though my wife did. Maybe it was because I was speaking so fast that she looked up and then commented on my neck pulling. She got me to stop then do some abdominal breathing and a bit of progressive muscle relaxation. That just causes a bit of a tug of war internally. The body was starting to relax but the mind kept telling me that the longer I did this the longer it would be before the session was over so I broke off and just tried to keep a lid on it.
Angst out of the way. I thought its about time I posted because its not for lack of wanting to post that has kept me from doing so of late nor how I am feeling. In fact I type loads of every day and the more anxious I am the more I type. Its just a lot of what I've had to say and what I have been thinking lately has been very dark and very negative so I've stopped myself from posting it hoping that the clouds part sometime ahead. This is all very different from this time last year and I think I maybe need to look back at last year and see where I went right. Something clicked last year. Not just loner walks or longer drives which for me are down the priority list for me but there was none of this constant general anxiety at a greater than normal level. That is where I need to be for starters. I wasn't so stuck then. Maybe without knowing it the second hand started to move again but has once more gotten stuck. I must return and find out how to get it going again even if it does tend to move out of sync with the rest of world around me.
