I write from a dark place, nothing new there then, but one that is at least brighter than yesterday. Its been a while since I became a gibbering wreck over night, so long ago I cannot recall when. Yesterday though it felt like I had spent the night in a tumble dryer. It was just not good. I was left wondering whether I was ill or this was just a culmination of all the anxiety lately manifesting as an exhausted state. I never can differentiate and even if I could I wouldn't be able to convince myself either way. It is a prolonged state of doubt which in turn leads to more anxiety. But yesterday was just yucky poo. I felt so weak and could not stop shaking. It was turning the handle on the old panic machine which nowadays doesn't take long to get started. I felt floored. I was sure it was something viral because I haven't felt so bad in god knows how long. Even now I still cannot convince myself its "just anxiety". There is nothing worse that the torment inside because there is nowhere to run and it was that which was sending me most into a high state of agitation which I was struggling to cope with- really mentally struggling.
In two days the head doc is coming for his little chat and I have been keeping that date as far in the back of my mind as I possibly can because I could well do without the apprehension. Its bad enough having family around but a stranger is worse. Not only that though but I forgot about something and was reminded of it during the week. Where I have been papering over all the cracks to protect my sanity he is going to walk in and rip them all off with glee and watch me drown in my own mania. I think I was a fool to agree to this in the first place but there is no backing out now.
What prompted the acknowledgement was my dear sis-in-law who came to visit for a couple of hours during the week. I now see this is the point where things started to fall in on themselves. She suffered from panic herself, got medicated and then via CBT because she had to come off meds she got over it. I say got over it which isn't true. She still gets them and like dear old Dr Weekes once said they no longer matter. They no longer stop her doing things and she deals with them. She does have the first hand experience and lately as part of her career choice she has been doing courses in teaching CBT and the like. I haven't seen her in a while and all was well until the interrogation started. Oh no. It was out of the blue and not what I expected at all. Interrogation is probably a bit strong as that was not the purpose but instead a caring chat with the hope of some advice. To be fair she did stop when she noticed I was getting very anxious but it was already past the point of no return. I would have stopped her myself but its been so long since I talked to someone face to face about the anxiety that I didn't see it being a problem. But it was. And it was all because of one simple statement that another big crack appeared. She asked what I do to relax and I replied that I never can relax, I try but can't. She looked concerned and then: if you keep going in a high state of anxiety you will end up ill.
That is a fair comment. Anyone rational would heed the warning. But not me. Oh no my little anxious mind rubbed its hands and got all the implements of torture laid out on the table ready to be used. It told me that I have been in this state for almost 4 years so I must already be ill and then like a self fulfilling prophecy a few days later I find that I am ill. All because of one little sentence and my own ability to mentally whip myself. This state is not something new to me. I have had a constant generally high level of anxiety for a long time now and it got my mind thinking of the conseqences of that.
It wasn't all bad either. There were some good things to come out of it which I will talk about in another post. Some realisations seen with a different viewpoint. But as most will know the one bad negative is the one the mind holds on to and won't let go of until it has wrung every little bit of courage dry. Until that one sentance I was actually enjoying the outlet and the observations.
So crap weekend but as I say better today. For one thing I have been wanting to make this post since around Thursday which was meant to be solely about that convesation but I've found it too hard to do. I mean I was shaking so much yesterday that I found it difficult type and harder to concentrate. The sensations are all still there but either they are less intense or I am starting to get on top of it. Though in saying that being the pessimist that I am I can't find the inner strength to say the worst as past, even though it probably has, as that is usually when it slaps you back in the face. And what also helped today was the sky was blue and for once we were able to sit outside for a few hours which was good for the soul. As you can imagine though the visit on Tuesday has now taken on new meaning and the apprehension is beginning to build. Just have to keep pushing it from my mind and hope when the time comes it passes quickly.
I've been reading a lot this past week. In fact I have 4 books on the go at once at the moment of varying themes. I have some ideas and today at least they seemed to help with the coping part at least. I think sometimes you just have to grin and bare it. This is one of those times. This little episode is probably down to tension from anxiety whacking my body into that exhausted state where its hard to stop the trembling. Can't work out if its that or maybe an overdose of adrenalin. Whatever it is it is most likely anxiety related.
But I don't want this to sound hard on my sis-in-law. She was just trying to help and there are a lot of people around about me who do care enough to want to help. That is intentionally a good thing but sometimes a little counter productive in practice unfortunately. Seven days from now the kids will be going back to school an the head doc will have come and gone. Brighter days ahead and time enough for plans to be put in motion.
