2004

Monday 1st of November 2004,

I'd like to start this new diary, how many times have I done this?, with a brief summary of recent events leading up to now. Next month I will turn 33 years old. Currently employed as a Database adminstrator and application developer- though lacking in actual work to do. Last year was the best of my life for a number of reasons yet was tainted by something still plaguing me to this day. We started the year on the Rhine in Koln and took in a battle of fireworks from both river banks aboard our vessel. In February we married in a fantastically small but beautiful wedding. In June our first child was born, a daughter. Beautiful and healthy- what more could you ask for? Truly it should have been the best year of my life.

But something occurred just before the birth which has remained with me to the present. For a couple of months leading up to the birth I had been getting bloodshot eyes and after going to the doctors they saw nothing a miss. I was also starting to experience dizzy turns or balance problems at least. When the birth happened I had been off work for a week as this dizziness, which the doctors put down to a virus, which was so bad that I could not stand up for long spells. It pains me to think of this as this time should really only be about one thing- the happiest thing along with the wedding to happen to us in that year and any year for that matter.

Our daughter was born on 9th June 2003. She was a beautiful baby and everybody said so, even strangers. Things had changed for us and now we were a family. Although she was not a good sleeper we would not have changed anything about her for the world- she was our beautiful baby and at the present still is the most important thing in our life. I have to talk of some of the darker things in my life so would rather finish this by talking about the positives in my life like our little girl.

In the early days she was brought up mainly by her mum. I've not been able to shake an illness of sorts. I've already said I was ill when she was born and that continued through the one week paternity leave my work gave me- two weeks in total with the week illness before. About a month later I found myself being signed off work with the same thing again and to be honest throughout that time I never felt more than about 70% well and never did for the rest of the year. Worse was to come from October to November when I got the flu and couldn't shake it. In all I was off work for nearly 4 weeks and it culminated in a tooth abscess which was very painful. For nearly a month I had hardly eaten and as well as sweating constantly through the night and having to pill pop I only had water in take to compensate. It was at this point a lot of people started pointing out to me that I was losing weight.

Already this year I have been off work for more than 5 times but on that side of things it does seem to be getting better. Two of these illnesses were shared by by my wife so it wasn't exclusive to me and the last one only lasted 3 days which is an improvement on the week long plus illnesses of before. A lot of the symptoms I had before I no longer get like jaw tightness and dizziness but get more like a temperature now and the feeling of little strength. Despite a concerted effort to eat as much as I can though the weight loss is still happening but in a strange way. I got scales in March and although they are not accurate from the time I first got them and weighed between 12st 3lb-12st 6lb I am now weighing 12st6lb-12st10lb so I know at least I have not lost weight but maybe even gained a pound or two. That is in contrast to the physical appearance. From my chest up there are visible signs of weight loss. My shoulders are bony, the ribs on my chest are showing, my elbows but when I rest the on a desk as there is no fat there any more, my wedding ring slips from my finger but recently it is my face that has seen the worst. My cheeks are getting more drawn and at the cheek bones themselves the cheek is starting to indent. It's a constant worry for me as I know there must be something wrong to make me loss in these areas.

Blood test at the end of last year showed no problems. There were a number of blood tests as well as throat swabs. They did notice something but said it could be viral. Ultimately though nothing to cause my apparent lack of immune system. Coincidently I've seen such problems arise recently in some footballers who cannot shift a "mystery virus". Weight loss and dizziness are the main things in these and no cause can be found.

I was positive this all started from stupidity on my part. I had a spot in my right ear lobe which I daftly punctured with an old needle at the start of last year. It became infected but the doctor said this would not cause my symptoms. Just don't know. And they don't know. And if they, the medical experts, don't know then how am I supposed to know.

 

It's a strange thing. In terms of height I haven't grown since my teens yet I was 9st at the start of my teens and despite trying to put on the pounds ended by teens at 9st6lbs. Sometime between 22 and 24 years old I suddenly noticed I was 12st which was a massive leap. In 2003 I was over 13st before the illness. Yet it appears to me at around 12st 6lbs now my face is the thinest it's ever been. Without doubt my face is getting thinner, which even my wife concedes, but whether it is because I was, and definitely was, carrying too much weight on my face before and/or a little paranoia brought on by recurring illness and remarks that draw me to these conclusions of it's severity I am unsure. Stopping it progressing would go a long way to calming me inside. We'll have to see but I have a chance to try to change and that is in my hands so I can't blame anyone other than myself if I don't at least try to change my lifestyle.

This year my wife and I both lost our remaining grandparent. My dad's mum was an everpresent influence throughout my life and before moving to Perth, and after Uncle Gerald dies, I'd stayed with my gran. That adress once housed my Gran and Grandad plus my Uncle Gerald but with my gran's passing the house has been sold- the memories there with it. At the end of last year my gran was diagnosed with lung cancer and after seeig how my Granda's brain tumor deteriorated him to evenutally 6st I wasn't looking forward to the months ahead. Her passing was a major hurt for us all and still is. We all did get to say our goodbyes in hospital when a clot saw her run out of time early. All though none of us wanted to see her go I was at least glad she was not going to have to waste away in pain over the months ahead and got to rest peacefully.

Work is a depression in my life. In itself it started off well nearly 4 years ago when I had lots to do but for the past year or so I've had nothing to do except what I want. Sounds good but it's not because as an honest person it niggles away at me. Added to this is all the time off I'd had to take and I really feel that people perceive me as a piss taker- I'm not. I have a family and as there are no jobs around at the same pay or matching my skill set I need to stay for as long as possible. An added nightmare is a real slog of a journey which I really hate. There are no plusses except a decent pay which makes up for nothing. With a transition to South Africa my days are numbered and I'm just waiting for the end. Although this will bring lots of problems in itself I can't help but feel it will also bring enormous relief not to have that horrible travel and live a lie from day to day. The only thing that keeps me going there is the forum moderator work I do for EA Sports which is enjoyable but doesn't pay.

So many depressing points but here is something which outweighs it all. Up until 1998 I hadn't had a long term relationship since school. Although I either didn't know it at the time or denied the fact I was a lonely person with no one to share life with. If I was still in that same life I really do think I'd be clinically depressed with the current problems. Luckily that is not the case because lucky is something I feel now. I am sometimes tempted to dwell on the fact that I had just gotten life the way I wanted and was happy when something comes along to spoil it- illness. Resiliance though is something I must show and look at how lucky I am. I have a beautiful and loving wife who I share a good laugh with and is equally my best friend too. I have a beautiful daughter who's fantastic nature and antics give us no shortage of joy and is a real positive force on our lives. How could I consider myself anything other than lucky because it's not a luxury that everyone can claim to have. One other thing, my wife is pregnant again....

1998

Saturday 21st of February 1998,

This is my life- so far dull and looking none too more eventful but a life just the same. I am aged 26 years old, 6ft plus, 12-14 stone (been a while since I weighed myself, have rough sallow-ish skin, brown unkempt hair, squint front teeth,  hazel eyes and Scottish by birth. My voice- for the deaf – is a low, bassy growl that occasionally whines. Maybe that’s good enough reason to be unmarried and childless at this late stage in life but I can’t say I’m unhappy- more confused and frustrating.

I am alone in a flat in Perth, Scotland- although I have a flat-mate at present that has gone home to visit his wife. After years of writing and discarding diaries I have decided to start another one again. These introductory paragraphs have been written many times before by myself and now are lost in trash and dust but this time I plan to keep a chronicle of the mundane and maybe some of the exciting- though can't promise anything. This is as much a notepad for thoughts and ideas as it is a diary but will be primarily the latter.

As I said I have a flat mate- for the moment. It was actually him who got this flat and I joined him. We work at the Insurance place in IT  and used to travel 60 miles up and 60 miles back each day from the home town so as contractors who contract for 6 month to a year at a time it made better sense to rent for the duration. Ive actually been in this job just over 7 months but I have been assured by the agency and by my on site manager that there will be work for at least another year and most probably beyond. You never can tell though. For the moment its good. Good people where I work. Most of them like to socialise which is great. Great money. Though the money gives me a headache because being a contractor I also had to set up a Limited Company so the money is not readily available and I have to get an accountant to do the books every year.

Can't be bothered with that to be honest. Much prefer going to the cashline and seeing what is available. Feel most of the time like I can't touch it. But truth be told I have very little need for it at the moment over and above food and rent. Being single and spending most of my time working means I don't have a lot of outgoings.

The only downside to living up here is I miss my friends. I miss when Friday comes and I am not heading down the local back home to see my mates. I don't see them much any more because I don't have a car and travelling by train and bus is not worth the hassle. I don't need a car and can't see me driving while I am up here. It only takes 15 minutes to walk to work and most morning someone stops and gives me a lift up which is one of the perks of customer facing in a building homing round 2,000 people. So I miss my friends but it does help that there are so many sociable folk up here but unfortunately most a good bit older and married.

I don't feel lonely at the moment probably because I have a flat mate and we tinker with PCs and networking and nerdy stuff like that. But as he has just found out his wife is pregnant for the first time I think they'll be wanting to get a home together up here together and then it the loneliness may hit home. Though not for a while. I quite like the idea of having the freedom of living alone.

So that is about that. Not exciting stuff. Might get better in a few months. The work has a trip planned for the World Cup with a bus running all the way from here to Paris and coming back the same day. I have been talking with some friends from back home who are going and thinking I might stay over there and meet up with them at some point. So that could be quite an adventure. I've never been to Paris before and would love to go. Will see how much of the language I remember from high school. It should be fun.

Last chance saloon

Oh yes, I do look like a scruff but that will be sorted soon I can assure you. Its going to be my first attempt at self haircutting and may well end in disaster but I have hats for that. Out and about. A rare occurrence captured. I am pushing, really I am pushing hard. Pushing hard to free myself from the situation I find myself in. I am getting it all ways at the moment and the fact that I am is testament to my complacency since this started and in the last 18 months at least.

The idea was for this next post to be filled with photos with my new camera. Unfortunately I have used it rarely. An expensive ornament at the moment but I hope that will change this week. Its the Easter holidays and the family as always are leaving and in that time I hope to get more familiar with the camera. Here I was out with my oldest daughter which is unusual nowadays but used to be a regular occurrence. I was letting her take photos of things with the old compact and trying to teach her along the way. And also, of course, taking lots of pics of her as she found new situations to be photographed in. Then a thought. I am never pictured out. I think there is one from 2 years ago and I do get out. So in a spur of the moment the above.

As I said I am trying hard. Very hard. I feel like its last chance saloon. I am putting every effort into getting myself righted as it were. Trying to find as many glimmers of hope that I can to keep me going. Just sick of where I am and missing where I want to be. Just keep pushing on. At some point I will meet that point where it will either make or break me for a period. That is where I run headlong too.

Either side of the lens

My wife asked me to take some photos of her as she needed a new profile pic for Facebook. I didn't need asking twice. So I took a few which is restricted in this place as there is not a lot of room and even less natural light. Got roughly what I wanted. After selecting about 6 I processed them in different ways. This one was my favourite of the lot but my wife chose another one. I was actually quite happy with this one mainly because its decent for a compact camera and I think few would guess my wife was sitting on the back of a couch propped against an orange wall in a living room.

I don't mind getting my photo taken as long as I don't have to look at it. A lot of people are like that. This one taken by my 8 year old daughter so I will make an exception. A lot of people just see all their faults. Others though don't. Some people can't stop looking at themselves. Nothing wrong with that. If you have the confidence why not? And its not just beautiful people. I admire people who are not so beautiful but don't care. They are happy not to conform. If I had the choice to be beautiful but self-conscious or a non-conformist ugger I'd choose the latter because beauty does not guarantee you will be happy with your appearance, even some beautiful people hate the way they look.

Contentment is a great thing. Just wish I could find it. For the moment I don't really want to post pics of myself here but for once I'll make an exception because this was taken by my oldest daughter who takes a lot of good photos regardless of the subject matter. And on another note I don't want to be posting photos not taken by me either. But again I make the exception. Well mainly because its been a quiet week.

No end to the madness

Anxiety I now understand but it doesn't make it any easier. The panic too I understand but the same, not easy. Life will never be the same again. People keep telling me it will and one day I will be normal again but I won't. I cannot see how. You cannot linger in this dark place for a long time and ever be the same again- even if you ever get out. Forever I have believed them more in hope than expectation but I'm too tired now to listen. Too tired yet far too awake. I hate every living second of consciousness. From the first realisation in the morning that another day of battles lies ahead to another endless night.

I am alive but not living. I exist, no more than that. If karma exists then I would dread to think what I have done to deserve this endless torture. I can't even remember when it all started, possibly 3 years ago or more. It's been a slow decline that has quickly gathered momentum and every time I get a punch in the return is twice as hard to floor me again. And I'm tired of fighting. I'm tired of this restless existence.

Each day is something new. And each thing is worse than the last. I'm not afraid of dying so those thoughts can't haunt me. There are worse things for me. Having to leave this prison for example would be worse. Being awake and not being here would be so frightening that my mind would shatter completely. With that comes all the concerns that make my state worse. Toothache lingers. Health fears keep cropping up. With little exercise I am helping the process but cannot do otherwise. It's a cruel tormentor this anxiety that I cannot find a second's solace from.

Distractions help and this is what this blog is to an extent. For sure emptying your head is a must less it keep swirling in your confusion. I have plans and I have fears. I know I am not alone in this. Sometimes by writing, or typing, it helps to rationalise a fear and put an end to it. I hope to do that here as well as telling my tale.

This is not my life. I have no life. This is my existence, the restless existence. Maybe one day they will all be proved right and I will get a life back. That is all I want. Some may want fame, fortune or whatever. I just want normality. The chance to be the person I once was. The man who could go for a walk, a drive, could work, could go to the pub or a restaurant. I want normality but every waking second it seems to slip further away.

What I have learned is that I must do it on my own. God knows I've asked enough times and if they'd listened at the start I might not be in this mess but they didn't. And still they won't help so I must do it alone. On my own I must find the answers if there are any to find.

Exercise for me is difficult. For the past 3 years since losing my job I have virtually spent it all on a couch in a small flat. Not good for the body. It's two years since I was out of this country and about 18 months since I was out of this little town I frequent. Now I must start again.

I have lots to tackle but must take one at a time. 2 days ago I have started walks again. 4 so far in these 3 days at only just over 0.4km. Not much I know but it's a start. If I can increase these and do them more frequently then at the very least I won't have to worry so much about my physical condition.