2006

Tuesday 1st August 2006,

In days past I’ve tried to keep a journal but never stuck with it. For a few years now I’ve never had the urge again because I have come to realise it was labour. There was nothing to fill the pages with and I had to try to think of something to write. That has changed.

In days present I feel the need more than ever in my life to sort out my thoughts- I need to write. This is not a daily thing but on requirement. My head is so full of thoughts that need a road out and this is it. They are dark and unpleasant. They are all fear.

This was not written to be read but as self therapy. This is private. This is my life at the moment chronicled in days.

I am up North where not so long ago I once lived and worked. Now I live elsewhere and for just over a year no longer work. Along with my wife and two daughters we are housesitting for her parents. Under normal circumstances I’d be enjoying this time but not for 3 years have I been able to. That is life I suppose.

Being up in here is my last chance as such to “get better”. I was made redundant just over a year ago and have been unable to look for work nor sign on since. It’s a bad state of affairs. I am left frustrated by this as I want to find the inner strength to get back on track but all sorts of stuff seem to hold me back. Mainly panic attacks, shortness of breath, balance problems and a lack of support from the medical fraternity to help me.

Living in where I do hasn’t helped my situation. Most days I don’t go out and spend the time sitting on the couch on my laptop. Already in here I have been into town twice. On the first occassion I went to watch the football, Sunday, but panic brought me home again after half an hour. Still I tried. I was inside the pub and the panic got too much so instead of fleeing completely I went outside and sat in the beer garden. Once my beer had finished I went inside, ordered another and tried to sit with it. Again the panic was too much. Again I went outside. This time I finished the bottle quickly and even quicker made my way back. Which my wife was not happy about as she had just got the girls ready to join us and so we all went down the park for a stroll.

On Monday I went into town to buy a Paul McKenna book and again although the panic was severe I managed to pull through. Its hard to take. I lived her for a few years. I used to walk about town care free regularly. Sometimes just go for long walks for something to do- I lived alone. And now the places are the same but my body is reacting differently and with no clear reason. Every little thing I want to do is a fight and if I manage to get through it I can take no joy from doing so only relief and no eagerness to repeat it any time soon after. I wonder therefore if my zest for life is being sucked dry and I will soon have no desire to do anything.

Doing something doesn’t make the next time any easier. If it did then that would be an incentive but each time it is just as difficult. Today I found a new source of exercise. I am lacking in exercise so really need to do something. I’ve tried going for walks and tried exercising at home but to no avail. In here there is an exercise bike and I did a mile on it yesterday. Today I plan to do the same and maybe a little more. The effects did not seem to be to as bad as other forms of exercise so I’ll keep plugging away at that.

A feeling of disorientation brings on panic and the worry of it happening brings on the shortness of breath. That is my opinion. There should be a confidence in me though. Occassionally I get this feeling like a pocket of wind in my chest and it convinces me that something is wrong with my heart. This is the same with the disorientation feeling. Also to add to that is a feeling that I am washed out and have no energy. The doctor had an ECG done and it was fine so I have to get away from this fear. They are not always right but I have to find a way to stop it eating away at me.

I’ve bought that Paul McKenna book in the hope that I can somehow reprogram my mind. I do feel that although this was all brought on 3 years ago by a bad illness, put down to a virus, and continuing illness that saw me lose a stone and a half I still feel my problems since then have been in my head. These happened when I was working and brought on a fear that I would feel really bad at work and still have to get home. Some of the feelings have been underlying for a number of years to a lesser extent. Most of these thoughts intrude in my thinking and I just cannot shift them in certain situations.

What do I want? I want to relax. I want to be in a room of people and not be worrying about my breathing and not be looking for somewhere to lie down. I want to just be relaxed and have a calmness within. That would solve everything. That would allow me to get on with tackling life and supporting my family again.

Today we got the car sorted- a flat battery. Well flat was only a symptom of an otherwise dead cell. It meant us calling out the AA. As usual I was filled with apprehension about having to do a 1 on 1 with someone. My wife took the lead and when I followed I was fine. Maybe it was the fact I was not trapped with this person. I was free to roam as I pleased.

On TV there was an interesting character of Richard and Judy named Adam. He claimed to be a distant healer and had healed a man from pancreatic cancer. His mother had also apparently been cured of MS by him. I’m not sure I believe it- the guy is making a mint of the back of the claims. The message though was something I would like to buy into and that is that positive thought can make you better. Whether you believe in a god or not as long as you have that positive belief that things will get better then it helps.

That’s something I have been lacking. That doesn’t mean I’m going to trade in my hedonism for a bible. I do need some positive thought in my life- hopefully McKenna’s book can help me there. My thoughts are always negative. I need them to be positive. I need to hope things are going to change or else they definitely won’t. That is easy said though. How exactly do you convince yourself of something you have entrenched yourself in disbelieving?

Time will tell.

2004

Monday 1st of November 2004,

I'd like to start this new diary, how many times have I done this?, with a brief summary of recent events leading up to now. Next month I will turn 33 years old. Currently employed as a Database adminstrator and application developer- though lacking in actual work to do. Last year was the best of my life for a number of reasons yet was tainted by something still plaguing me to this day. We started the year on the Rhine in Koln and took in a battle of fireworks from both river banks aboard our vessel. In February we married in a fantastically small but beautiful wedding. In June our first child was born, a daughter. Beautiful and healthy- what more could you ask for? Truly it should have been the best year of my life.

But something occurred just before the birth which has remained with me to the present. For a couple of months leading up to the birth I had been getting bloodshot eyes and after going to the doctors they saw nothing a miss. I was also starting to experience dizzy turns or balance problems at least. When the birth happened I had been off work for a week as this dizziness, which the doctors put down to a virus, which was so bad that I could not stand up for long spells. It pains me to think of this as this time should really only be about one thing- the happiest thing along with the wedding to happen to us in that year and any year for that matter.

Our daughter was born on 9th June 2003. She was a beautiful baby and everybody said so, even strangers. Things had changed for us and now we were a family. Although she was not a good sleeper we would not have changed anything about her for the world- she was our beautiful baby and at the present still is the most important thing in our life. I have to talk of some of the darker things in my life so would rather finish this by talking about the positives in my life like our little girl.

In the early days she was brought up mainly by her mum. I've not been able to shake an illness of sorts. I've already said I was ill when she was born and that continued through the one week paternity leave my work gave me- two weeks in total with the week illness before. About a month later I found myself being signed off work with the same thing again and to be honest throughout that time I never felt more than about 70% well and never did for the rest of the year. Worse was to come from October to November when I got the flu and couldn't shake it. In all I was off work for nearly 4 weeks and it culminated in a tooth abscess which was very painful. For nearly a month I had hardly eaten and as well as sweating constantly through the night and having to pill pop I only had water in take to compensate. It was at this point a lot of people started pointing out to me that I was losing weight.

Already this year I have been off work for more than 5 times but on that side of things it does seem to be getting better. Two of these illnesses were shared by by my wife so it wasn't exclusive to me and the last one only lasted 3 days which is an improvement on the week long plus illnesses of before. A lot of the symptoms I had before I no longer get like jaw tightness and dizziness but get more like a temperature now and the feeling of little strength. Despite a concerted effort to eat as much as I can though the weight loss is still happening but in a strange way. I got scales in March and although they are not accurate from the time I first got them and weighed between 12st 3lb-12st 6lb I am now weighing 12st6lb-12st10lb so I know at least I have not lost weight but maybe even gained a pound or two. That is in contrast to the physical appearance. From my chest up there are visible signs of weight loss. My shoulders are bony, the ribs on my chest are showing, my elbows but when I rest the on a desk as there is no fat there any more, my wedding ring slips from my finger but recently it is my face that has seen the worst. My cheeks are getting more drawn and at the cheek bones themselves the cheek is starting to indent. It's a constant worry for me as I know there must be something wrong to make me loss in these areas.

Blood test at the end of last year showed no problems. There were a number of blood tests as well as throat swabs. They did notice something but said it could be viral. Ultimately though nothing to cause my apparent lack of immune system. Coincidently I've seen such problems arise recently in some footballers who cannot shift a "mystery virus". Weight loss and dizziness are the main things in these and no cause can be found.

I was positive this all started from stupidity on my part. I had a spot in my right ear lobe which I daftly punctured with an old needle at the start of last year. It became infected but the doctor said this would not cause my symptoms. Just don't know. And they don't know. And if they, the medical experts, don't know then how am I supposed to know.

 

It's a strange thing. In terms of height I haven't grown since my teens yet I was 9st at the start of my teens and despite trying to put on the pounds ended by teens at 9st6lbs. Sometime between 22 and 24 years old I suddenly noticed I was 12st which was a massive leap. In 2003 I was over 13st before the illness. Yet it appears to me at around 12st 6lbs now my face is the thinest it's ever been. Without doubt my face is getting thinner, which even my wife concedes, but whether it is because I was, and definitely was, carrying too much weight on my face before and/or a little paranoia brought on by recurring illness and remarks that draw me to these conclusions of it's severity I am unsure. Stopping it progressing would go a long way to calming me inside. We'll have to see but I have a chance to try to change and that is in my hands so I can't blame anyone other than myself if I don't at least try to change my lifestyle.

This year my wife and I both lost our remaining grandparent. My dad's mum was an everpresent influence throughout my life and before moving to Perth, and after Uncle Gerald dies, I'd stayed with my gran. That adress once housed my Gran and Grandad plus my Uncle Gerald but with my gran's passing the house has been sold- the memories there with it. At the end of last year my gran was diagnosed with lung cancer and after seeig how my Granda's brain tumor deteriorated him to evenutally 6st I wasn't looking forward to the months ahead. Her passing was a major hurt for us all and still is. We all did get to say our goodbyes in hospital when a clot saw her run out of time early. All though none of us wanted to see her go I was at least glad she was not going to have to waste away in pain over the months ahead and got to rest peacefully.

Work is a depression in my life. In itself it started off well nearly 4 years ago when I had lots to do but for the past year or so I've had nothing to do except what I want. Sounds good but it's not because as an honest person it niggles away at me. Added to this is all the time off I'd had to take and I really feel that people perceive me as a piss taker- I'm not. I have a family and as there are no jobs around at the same pay or matching my skill set I need to stay for as long as possible. An added nightmare is a real slog of a journey which I really hate. There are no plusses except a decent pay which makes up for nothing. With a transition to South Africa my days are numbered and I'm just waiting for the end. Although this will bring lots of problems in itself I can't help but feel it will also bring enormous relief not to have that horrible travel and live a lie from day to day. The only thing that keeps me going there is the forum moderator work I do for EA Sports which is enjoyable but doesn't pay.

So many depressing points but here is something which outweighs it all. Up until 1998 I hadn't had a long term relationship since school. Although I either didn't know it at the time or denied the fact I was a lonely person with no one to share life with. If I was still in that same life I really do think I'd be clinically depressed with the current problems. Luckily that is not the case because lucky is something I feel now. I am sometimes tempted to dwell on the fact that I had just gotten life the way I wanted and was happy when something comes along to spoil it- illness. Resiliance though is something I must show and look at how lucky I am. I have a beautiful and loving wife who I share a good laugh with and is equally my best friend too. I have a beautiful daughter who's fantastic nature and antics give us no shortage of joy and is a real positive force on our lives. How could I consider myself anything other than lucky because it's not a luxury that everyone can claim to have. One other thing, my wife is pregnant again....

2000

Thursday 20th April 2000,

On numerous occasions in my life I have tried to keep a Journal but have eventually thrown away books or deleted data due to boredom. This is due to always trying to make entries every night which becomes mundane. So this Journal I hope will last a long time, as I will only write when I feel like doing so. When looking back on things I’ve written I’ve found I have had to plough through all the useless day-to-day crap I entered just for the sake of writing something. On the other hand I wish I could now look over the last 2 years, which I deleted 6 months ago. I also bogged myself down trying to recollect the previous years of my life but they are not important, although my 1998 French travels alone will be documented again from a copy I have. Whatever the case I will keep this one going.

I don’t need to review my life to this point. My life as of before now will most likely surface as I go on. I don’t know whom I am writing this to. Maybe I am writing this to myself and no one else will ever see it. This may all be deleted but it makes no difference whatsoever. Part of the reason, probably the most important reason, for writing this is to get my thoughts out of my head. That has always been the way. People who know I do this probably think I am soft but I am not. Just always seem to have so much going on in my head that I need to empty it from time to time to declutter. 

The time is 21:41. I am currently sitting in the living room of flat in Blantyre. Its one of two temporary residences I flit between at the moment 60 miles apart. I rent a flat up north in Perth. It is my second flat there and have rented for a few years. When I started working in Perth I used to drive back and forth 120 miles every day so eventually I had to rent there. This flat belongs to my fiancée who shares the flat with her sister. We got engaged on 24th February 2000 which, to date, was the happiest day of my life. I really love her and could not imagine being without her.

Tonight I am alone for the first time in this flat. The women are out on a hen night. I finished my last IT contract at IBM in Perth 3 weeks ago and have been in Blantyre since then. I haven’t found a job yet but I have got enough in the bank at the moment that I don’t have to look straight away for work. I will look but not hopeful as the IT industry is now saturated full of people with useless certificates and no experience willing to work for peanuts and to be honest the money was the main attraction. May have to look for another line of work. I program, write applications. Maybe pursue that in the meantime.

At the moment I am unsure of where I want to live, where I want to work, what I want to do, if I am going to work and of how long my savings will last. I am really in a rut and frustrated. If I had never met my fiancee I would probably be in the Netherlands just now working. That is not to say I am blaming Helen. Far from it because to be honest I don't know if I want to work on the European continent as much as I love to travel there.

Last Friday I did get the train up to Perth and went to a night out with old work collegues. It was good to see some of the faces again. A few guys I wanted to see turned up but some did not. The night started at 17:00 and ended, one of the guys had a party in his flat after closing, at 03:00.

My fiancee's parents picked me up in the afternoon and we all went to Blantyre. I didn’t see much of my fiancee until night. It was her Aunt’s 80th birthday and the family was having a surprise meal for her. This was at the Ashoka in Nitshill. I went too but it was not the best meal I have ever had. I love Indian food but it just wasn't very good which was a shame because I'll bet it cost a bit. At night there was a party at her Aunt and Uncle’s house in Stamperland, Clarkston. It was a good night. Very laid back. Lots to drink and no problems. She drove her parents, her sister and I back to Blantyre late morning. It was 05:00 before we were all in bed.

In the late afternoon on Sunday my fiancee drove me to Livingston. My parents were both merry due to the good weather, a garden and a pile of alcohol. My brother and his daughter were in good fettle. My sister turned up with her rogue boyfriend which didn't go down too well. We also saw my gran for 30 minutes.

So that is about that for now. Not much to talk about. But this is a new start after IT contracting. The future looks brighter than it ever has. The paper is empty and waiting to be filled. A place to stay- a house up north maybe. A new job or working on my own. A marriage and maybe family. But I'll be honest. Most exciting of all is the travels that lay ahead. So many places I want to go and we will go there.