2004

Monday 1st of November 2004,

I'd like to start this new diary, how many times have I done this?, with a brief summary of recent events leading up to now. Next month I will turn 33 years old. Currently employed as a Database adminstrator and application developer- though lacking in actual work to do. Last year was the best of my life for a number of reasons yet was tainted by something still plaguing me to this day. We started the year on the Rhine in Koln and took in a battle of fireworks from both river banks aboard our vessel. In February we married in a fantastically small but beautiful wedding. In June our first child was born, a daughter. Beautiful and healthy- what more could you ask for? Truly it should have been the best year of my life.

But something occurred just before the birth which has remained with me to the present. For a couple of months leading up to the birth I had been getting bloodshot eyes and after going to the doctors they saw nothing a miss. I was also starting to experience dizzy turns or balance problems at least. When the birth happened I had been off work for a week as this dizziness, which the doctors put down to a virus, which was so bad that I could not stand up for long spells. It pains me to think of this as this time should really only be about one thing- the happiest thing along with the wedding to happen to us in that year and any year for that matter.

Our daughter was born on 9th June 2003. She was a beautiful baby and everybody said so, even strangers. Things had changed for us and now we were a family. Although she was not a good sleeper we would not have changed anything about her for the world- she was our beautiful baby and at the present still is the most important thing in our life. I have to talk of some of the darker things in my life so would rather finish this by talking about the positives in my life like our little girl.

In the early days she was brought up mainly by her mum. I've not been able to shake an illness of sorts. I've already said I was ill when she was born and that continued through the one week paternity leave my work gave me- two weeks in total with the week illness before. About a month later I found myself being signed off work with the same thing again and to be honest throughout that time I never felt more than about 70% well and never did for the rest of the year. Worse was to come from October to November when I got the flu and couldn't shake it. In all I was off work for nearly 4 weeks and it culminated in a tooth abscess which was very painful. For nearly a month I had hardly eaten and as well as sweating constantly through the night and having to pill pop I only had water in take to compensate. It was at this point a lot of people started pointing out to me that I was losing weight.

Already this year I have been off work for more than 5 times but on that side of things it does seem to be getting better. Two of these illnesses were shared by by my wife so it wasn't exclusive to me and the last one only lasted 3 days which is an improvement on the week long plus illnesses of before. A lot of the symptoms I had before I no longer get like jaw tightness and dizziness but get more like a temperature now and the feeling of little strength. Despite a concerted effort to eat as much as I can though the weight loss is still happening but in a strange way. I got scales in March and although they are not accurate from the time I first got them and weighed between 12st 3lb-12st 6lb I am now weighing 12st6lb-12st10lb so I know at least I have not lost weight but maybe even gained a pound or two. That is in contrast to the physical appearance. From my chest up there are visible signs of weight loss. My shoulders are bony, the ribs on my chest are showing, my elbows but when I rest the on a desk as there is no fat there any more, my wedding ring slips from my finger but recently it is my face that has seen the worst. My cheeks are getting more drawn and at the cheek bones themselves the cheek is starting to indent. It's a constant worry for me as I know there must be something wrong to make me loss in these areas.

Blood test at the end of last year showed no problems. There were a number of blood tests as well as throat swabs. They did notice something but said it could be viral. Ultimately though nothing to cause my apparent lack of immune system. Coincidently I've seen such problems arise recently in some footballers who cannot shift a "mystery virus". Weight loss and dizziness are the main things in these and no cause can be found.

I was positive this all started from stupidity on my part. I had a spot in my right ear lobe which I daftly punctured with an old needle at the start of last year. It became infected but the doctor said this would not cause my symptoms. Just don't know. And they don't know. And if they, the medical experts, don't know then how am I supposed to know.

 

It's a strange thing. In terms of height I haven't grown since my teens yet I was 9st at the start of my teens and despite trying to put on the pounds ended by teens at 9st6lbs. Sometime between 22 and 24 years old I suddenly noticed I was 12st which was a massive leap. In 2003 I was over 13st before the illness. Yet it appears to me at around 12st 6lbs now my face is the thinest it's ever been. Without doubt my face is getting thinner, which even my wife concedes, but whether it is because I was, and definitely was, carrying too much weight on my face before and/or a little paranoia brought on by recurring illness and remarks that draw me to these conclusions of it's severity I am unsure. Stopping it progressing would go a long way to calming me inside. We'll have to see but I have a chance to try to change and that is in my hands so I can't blame anyone other than myself if I don't at least try to change my lifestyle.

This year my wife and I both lost our remaining grandparent. My dad's mum was an everpresent influence throughout my life and before moving to Perth, and after Uncle Gerald dies, I'd stayed with my gran. That adress once housed my Gran and Grandad plus my Uncle Gerald but with my gran's passing the house has been sold- the memories there with it. At the end of last year my gran was diagnosed with lung cancer and after seeig how my Granda's brain tumor deteriorated him to evenutally 6st I wasn't looking forward to the months ahead. Her passing was a major hurt for us all and still is. We all did get to say our goodbyes in hospital when a clot saw her run out of time early. All though none of us wanted to see her go I was at least glad she was not going to have to waste away in pain over the months ahead and got to rest peacefully.

Work is a depression in my life. In itself it started off well nearly 4 years ago when I had lots to do but for the past year or so I've had nothing to do except what I want. Sounds good but it's not because as an honest person it niggles away at me. Added to this is all the time off I'd had to take and I really feel that people perceive me as a piss taker- I'm not. I have a family and as there are no jobs around at the same pay or matching my skill set I need to stay for as long as possible. An added nightmare is a real slog of a journey which I really hate. There are no plusses except a decent pay which makes up for nothing. With a transition to South Africa my days are numbered and I'm just waiting for the end. Although this will bring lots of problems in itself I can't help but feel it will also bring enormous relief not to have that horrible travel and live a lie from day to day. The only thing that keeps me going there is the forum moderator work I do for EA Sports which is enjoyable but doesn't pay.

So many depressing points but here is something which outweighs it all. Up until 1998 I hadn't had a long term relationship since school. Although I either didn't know it at the time or denied the fact I was a lonely person with no one to share life with. If I was still in that same life I really do think I'd be clinically depressed with the current problems. Luckily that is not the case because lucky is something I feel now. I am sometimes tempted to dwell on the fact that I had just gotten life the way I wanted and was happy when something comes along to spoil it- illness. Resiliance though is something I must show and look at how lucky I am. I have a beautiful and loving wife who I share a good laugh with and is equally my best friend too. I have a beautiful daughter who's fantastic nature and antics give us no shortage of joy and is a real positive force on our lives. How could I consider myself anything other than lucky because it's not a luxury that everyone can claim to have. One other thing, my wife is pregnant again....