Scrambled

 

It has taken me fifty years to make scrambled eggs for the first time. In this case scrambled egg on toast. Five years ago and before that would not have been a big thing. I didn't cook. I don't really cook now but I do it more than I used to. I cook things from scratch which I would never have done in the past. I would love to cook more but we don't have a kitchen big enough for that. And you need that. Let us not kid on about that. You need a kitchen, all the utensils and money to buy all the ingredients. Frequently I will look up a recipe to cook something and realise a take away or microwave meal is a lot cheaper. The TV is full of programs about cooking. I remember watching the naked chef years ago but I was more fascinated with all the surrounded Jamie Oliver's life than the cooking itself. I never watched cooking programs at all as I had no interest in food. Food was a means to an end. I was never happier than when I got dinner out the way and not have to think about it. Yet now because my wife watches Master Chef frequently and Bake Off less frequently I find myself fascinated. But I could never do it. The truth is you don't see poor people on these shows. If you take the likes of Junior bake off for example how the hell does a poor kid get to make all these various dishes to fall back on? It doesn't happen. And I find that being more and more of a turn off if I am honest the older I get. I can't watch the Apprentice, Dragon's Den, Master Chef, the Repair Shop and all the other posh filled shows on TV that my wife laps up. I even find myself turning off Radio 2 which is the station I usually listen to due to someone calling in about going for the weekend to their holiday lodge in Snowdonia or crying because they lost £7k deposit on a skiing holiday in France due to Covid. I just find people having to tell you about their material gains nauseating in the same way as the same people have to tell you the names of all their pets when they recite a story concerning them as if it adds to the narrative. Of course if I had wealth I might not find my thinking running down the same pathways. But I am not and it does.

Anyway this is not about wealth, materialism or even cooking. It is about stuck thinking and the way it can cause anxiety in a way I assume is similar to OCD. I don't have OCD but I do find myself getting stuck in a thought loop brought on my anxiety which is iritating beyond reason. When I was at the shop the other night I got eggs, bacon and bread amongst other things to do for lunch over the week. From there I kept getting caught in a strange loop of stuck thinking. How did it start? It started with a thought about bread and eggs. I'll have thought for lunch. Toast with either boiled, scrambled or fried egg. Or maybe even French toast for a change. Boiled egg I used to love but I have gone off a bit and actually went off eggs completely for a bit. I used to love a pickled egg but the last time I had a jar I started to find the egg really rubbery and did not enjoy the 2 I had- chucked the other 2 out the window. There was something suggestive there which I think I knew without it being said. It was around the same time as my oldest daughter and wife stopped eating eggs because they had watched something online. Why would you do that? As a vegetarian my wife relied heavily on eggs. We used to enjoy a fried egg roll when we went out. Even now they both won't eat egg. And without knowing I think I know why and I assume that it was to do with an Asian delicacy I heard about later on a podcast but my mind will look no further than that. Even without actually knowing I found eggs a turn off. Slowly I have gotten back into them starting one day with French toast but keeping the egg soaked bread to a minimum. But not boiled as I still find them too rubbery, not scrambled as I was put off them a few years ago when my wife made me them laced with cheese andit turned my stomach. Not fried because I just didn't find it appealing. I'd have the egg at some point but for now I will just have bacon sanwiches. Done. Except for days I had that same conversation internally several times a day not realising it to begin with then getting really annoyed when I realised it. And always with the same outcome. And it means nothing. To anyone else its no biggy but it was really getting to me. 

Anyway in the end I had scrambled egg on toast as pictured above. It was nice enough, I did it more to break the loop than anything else and it did. I was reminded of a few times my wife and I went on long walks and ended in the Morrison's cafe eating the same dish. And it was nice enough. My other reluctance to it thought was the clean up. I don't mind washing dishes but I used to hate when my wife made the kids scrambled egg. I hated the texture or the loose bits and how it stuck to everything- scrubbing pads were ruined. A search told me to clean right away with cold water and that did help but still that is what will put me off making it again in future any time soon. To be honest I would rather walk to Morrisons and get a better version. Stuff made for you is always better. I am still not great with egg as I still know deep down why the other two have stopped without being told. Hopefully in time that will change. And in time I hope to start cooking more but apart from cost my family are so fussy its not worthwhile. Also with my wife being vegetarian it would mean a meat substitute in some cases. That is another weitd one. I made quorn enchildads one night for every one yet and all enjoyed except me who chucked them as I could not stomach eating a meat alternative. If someone had made them for me and not told me I would have eaten them no problem at all but knowing is different. I cannot get past those thoughts just like the ones about eggs. My mind is as scrambled as the eggs I fear.