Snow globe

 

The funeral for my mother-in-law took place yesterday 60 miles away and it will come as no surprise that I was not there. It is very frustrating not to be able to pay my respects given it was not so long ago that I was travelling there and staying there. My absence would have carried a lot of guilt as it was but that was amplified with a letter last week from my father-in-law basically urging me to snap out of it to support my wife and kids in their time of need. Lots of guilt, lots of anger and lots of anxiety leading to numerous panic attacks like I have not had for a while. I cannot question someone in a time of grief so won't. I'll just say its been no easier at home than being there. And I know it will not have gone down well with the rest of the family and probably lead to longer term problems. I seem to be someone who is lazy rather than incapable in the eyes of many and if that is the case then so be it. I can't help that. I know I can't help that and so I don't apologise. I did send a card and a note in the card at the urging of others but it will be the last. That is my underline on the matter.

I am proud of the kids in how they have coped and in particular the youngest who gave a reading at the service in church along with his cousin. Incredible for an 11 year old, for a day more at least, to deal with grief and do that in a packed hall. There were lots of friends and family there and very likely just one no show. I said it was an underline and so I will leave it there. Time to move on.

Snow arrived this week in little flurries. Not enough to bring the traffic to a stand still but enough to give the world a little less darkness and a bit more of a snow globe effect. Pictured above was a short walk with the dog as we bided alone. He doesn't know what to make of it at all. He likes that its wet. He constantly has a bowl of cold water to drink from but the wetness of snow is more appealing. I'm glad its a light sprinkling as my walks have started to pick up again so the last thing I need is ice or the like to slow me down. Slow though is how life remains at the moment. It feels early morning, early in the year and just rubbing the eyes waiting for day to start. Maybe its the last of anything to look forward to on the horizon that does that. That will have to change.