Polar explorer

  

Not quite the Polar region this week but feels and looks like a hint of it. Enough to leave my print 5 minutes from home but not my print on the world in any way. Unlike the lady in an interview I was listening to on the radio. She is named Ann Daniels and is a "polar explorer"- I am unsure of the proper title. It wasn't something I had planned to listen to. As sometimes happens you have the radio or tv on on the background and get pulled in. Maybe it was my winter surroundings outside that helped but I could visualise some of the things she was saying clearly about her treks. I found it so fascination that I did plan to get her book as I thought she would have written but it appears there is not one. That is a pity. The interview segment was fairly short so it only touched the surface.

There are many things I found interesting but most fascinating of all was her solo expedition to the North Pole. The solitude and the elements are enough to be getting on with but what if one day you were out there alone and saw a polar bear? That got the hairs on the back of my neck standing. I just couldn't imagine it. That fear, alone. Yet she seemed calm and measured talking about it. As much as I'd like to think I would take the Brian Blessed approach of punching it on the nose (so he claims but if anyone would Brian would for sure) I think I'd be the fastest thing on ice instead. By the sounds of it she had learned enough to have the confidence to deal with the situation depending on what the bear done. That still takes some nerve. And I would assume from that would come a strength no one can teach. A calm inner strength. I really would love to read more. 

Goodbye 2020

  

Goodbye 2020 and good riddance. I can't imagine there is a person on the planet not glad to see the back of you. For me it had one memorable incident which I hope will make 2021 the start of a new chapter for me but aside from that I am glad we won't ever have to relive it. So goodbye, farewell, auf wiedersehen and adieu 2020. After a different Christmas than normal my family and I are out of isolation unscathed by that pesky virus which is still causing havoc.

With snow still on the ground my wife, the boy and I took the dog down the woods for an idyllic stroll on new years day. It was mainly that but for a group of youths numbering around 10 drinking mostly Buckfast tonic wine. At least one was ages with the boy, 12, because he knew him. We talked to one of the residents down there out with his dog who is blighted by these drunken youths. He was on his way home to call the police again to shift them. A regular occurance now unfortunately for that small clutch of houses down there, all residents are pensioners who get not an ounce of respect. 

We pushed on past and had a good walk though. The pup is getting more confident even if that bravado for us is balanced out by a selective deafness. But it was a good walk. I was unusually reluctant to go and keen to turn back but in time learned again to enjoy a walk as it quickly grew dark. It was the kind of long walk in the cold that deserves a hot bowl of soup and buttered roll at the other side but those are things we neglected to buy on our big shop. So instead it was edam and Branston pickle on crackers followed by a little nap on the sofa. 

Snow globe

 

So cold

I can't remember ever feeling so cold, not in a long time. Maybe its age. Maybe its because I can't remember the last warm day. Its definitely a long time since we have seen anything that resembled a summer. Certainly not the summers I remember in my youth where t-shirt and trousers were the norm through those long days of adventures with friends. At the moment its just horribly bitter.

Today the world was white again. Something we have been hoping for. The swirls of little snow drops circling pathetically in the wind the past few days have been no indication of the actual temperature. A good snowfall usually takes that chill away but not this time, at least not for me. You see I had a walk yesterday and it was long by my standards and managed to get down a street I have never been down, never even contemplated. Despite a hat and gloves I my teeth were rattling by the time I got in. The face was numb with the cold. Back indoors should have thawed me out but I seem to have caught a chill and I spent last night chittering away on the couch wrapped in a fleece blanket and water bottle with the heating on but still chilled to the bone.

Just one of those times of year you look back and are glad to see behind you. That will come. All three kids have appeared during the night in the last week with the vomiting bug so not much sleep on top. The lack of sleep and the bug working on me probably allowed the cold to bite deep. Only my wife seemed to escape it but only until this morning when after a late rise she went back to bed ill where she still lies. Fun times!

Anyway, we should be thankful. Our kids seem to avoid the majority of bugs when they do the rounds and these occasions are rare. It may have stopped me in my tracks for the weekend but that is OK. Allows time to recharge the batteries and get back into the swing of things next week.

Things have been going surprisingly well. As I said I went down a street I have not gone down before- ever. And there was a change. I felt a change. Maybe fleeting but new and positive. As I approached the top of the street the bottom was out of view. Given that I was out of my comfort zone and already struggling this would have been the point where every time in the past I would have turned back and headed home quickly. But I didn't. That little battle in my head where I try to raise the positive voice only to be drowned out by the domineering subconscious, or at least automatic, one was not lost for once. The opposing warning was quieter. A lot quieter. So much so I gave it little more than a glance and a nod. I was going down the street and nothing was going to stop me. Furthermore I was going to take my time and not the usually olympic walker style to get it over with quickly. No point in swapping avoidance for endurance. And so I strolled down batting out the park any little doubts that invariably were tossed my way from the devious mind. And I didn't stop there. I kept going and headed all the way to as far as I can go towards the school. It felt good. Maybe a one off. Maybe not. Something positive to hold on to and try to build on.

Slowly I am creeping further to the school. Or at least I was. I seem to have plateaued at a road I must cross. In total I think I have managed to cross it 2 or 3 times. Maybe I am not trying hard enough or at least not being wise enough because I have started doing a different circuit from there. Really I should be trying to at least attempt crossing. I will. But all in good time.

My tactic at the moment has been distance. Every walk I do is at least the same distance as the school run. Usually its more. On a few occasions including this week it has been as much as 50% more. I have never had such a spell of activity since the agoraphobia started and doing things that I thought were beyond me me for so long. All that is positive. Its something I keep having to remind myself. At the start of the year I would not have contemplated this and I would have laughed had someone told me it was coming immediately over the horizon. A change. A positive change. So all good. Just wish it wasn't so cold.

White

I really am going to have to start taking my good camera out. I like the size of the compact but these blurry pics are doing my head in.

The ugly little town lies hidden beneath a blanket of white which sparkled first last night under the light of the moon and blinded today with the strong glare of the low bright sun. I read from a friend on Facebook that it was amazing how a shithole could turn into a thing of beauty with a bit of snow and he wasn't wrong- somewhere else I lived once and no better than where I am now.

In fact I have only been happy in one place I lived and maybe its not coincidence that my problems started when I had to give up my flat there to stay in this place. The biggest mistake of my life. I didn't see it at the time but then I didn't see what was coming. I was out of work, my then fiance had a job. But it was not as if she was not willing to move. She actually had a couple of interviews up North that came to nothing. And on top of that job opportunities for me existed almost solely around her area in the central belt. So as much as I didn't like it at the time I saw it only as a temporary measure. It made sense. Her flat was cheap, price up where I stayed were astronomical. She had a job and I had a better chance of finding work where she lived. So I moved in and we both looked to the future where not in the far too distant future we would move up North before, during or after starting a family.

That was the start of the century. I did find work and was there for 4 years until I was made redundant. Sandwiched in between that we married and our first child was born with the second being born a month after I was paid off. All these years later we are still here and the dream has died and it saddens me as I look out at this town I despise so much. Well not today. Today that hideous beast is hidden under the white satin veil.

The problem with an anxiety disorder, and other mental and physical problems, that have gone on for so long is that you cannot see it changing. Its hard to see it ever changing to the way it was before. I'd need to travel further than I can imagine, I'd need to stay out longer than I could contemplate, I'd need to then get a job, I'd need to earn enough to get a mortgage and finally we would then need to find enough to meet our modest financial needs. Then move. But I can't see getting out or staying out.

Maybe this is what the flashbacks are about. Its a weird thing. Flashes of places I lived before. Instances of nothing in particular. A yearning seeping occassionally through the cracks. Better days.

But I am trying and over the past few weeks or months confidence has been slowly building. With that the wick of hope is rekindled to shine even if only dimly but with each step further out or each second longer out the dull flame burns a teeny weeny wee bit brighter.

At least today its not so bad. The world of hate is buried and I hope it never melts until the day I am driving out of this hell forever sending the moon from the back window of the car back in its direction.

Nativity

This is a nativity scene arranged by my oldest daughter at the bottom of the Christmas tree. Its not represented well because of me being lazy. All those wires and even a Wii fit board in the background. Also should have used a larger depth of field (not even sure if that is right as I get mixed up with depth of field and aperture) to keep everything in focus but I was struggling for light and getting a fully focused image requires more light.

As soon as it turned December it seemed every third post on Facebook was of someone putting up their Christmas tree and decoration. Not here. My wife is ever the traditionalist so our tree went up 12 days before Christmas. Pic above. Much to the kids delight.

Feeling better but not over the lurgy yet. Walks have picked up but only short and sporadic at the moment. Blown about like a rag doll with gale force winds and soaked to the skin on most of them. Truly awful weather. Not just that but it was freezing. On one walk I noted I was the only one out there not in a vehicle. Proof I think that my lack of walks is not laziness.

There were much better days to venture out on. Its more to do with how I feel in myself. And in some ways I feel better but having real problems with my breathing again which has coincided with the return of the cough. Well, perceived breathing problems at least as every time I sit down and analyse my breathing I can't find fault except for the constant alarm going off in my head telling me otherwise. The mind is a strange thing.

Winter bugs

We have our the first snow. Should be magical, used to be magical, but when you feel shit in a freezing cold flat and the temperature plummets over night there is nothing magical about it. I'm going around in circles here. A little bird in the snow looking for food. Not sure what type of bird. Willie Wagtail? Don't know.


With my health declining my wife phoned the surgery and I awaited a call. I spoke to the doctor reluctantly. Very nice she was too. One minute and forty seven seconds later a diagnosis over the phone. Chest infection for sure with "I'll leave a little antibiotic for you to pick up at any time". My wife kindly picked it up for me and I have been taking the course this week. Its improved a little but still having these breathless coughing fits which are scary and no fun at all. A lot of breathing related problems. The worst of these is a sudden sharp involuntary intake of breath like the body has decided its not getting enough air or there is a blockage. That is something I don't like at all when it happens. Worries me. But hopefully I am on the path to recovery now and the symptoms will take care of themselves. As I expected the antibiotic is not fast working.


As a result of the illness I have been out even less than last week and the two times I did go out were very hard going indeed. Again frustration but this is going to be like starting over again when I can eventually get back out again. Not helped by the weather. The snow turned to ice making it very slippery underfoot which is not walking weather for me. The wind though was something else.

Scotland has been hit with 100mph winds this week, 165mph up the North, so that lead to the kids being at home one day with the schools shut and even my wife at home as her work closed early- that is her now finished for the year. My main concern with the wind was powercuts but thankfully that never happened. Its cold so no power means no heating which I think would be unbearable at night. And it would mean no hot food. No light. No TV or laptop- no distraction. Don't think I could have handled that.