Its been nearly 2 years since my last post which is probably an indication of how well things were going at that time. In that period though things have crumbled again. I was in a good place and getting ever closer to full recovery but then it all went bad. This was in no small way down to the DWP stopping my money again. Something I was talking about 2 years ago when I was visiting the job centre- something I never thought I would manage. It didn't last. The constant panic each visit lengthened from the 15 minutes there to the night before and morning, the Saturday and after. It was doing me no good and they were, I felt, looking for a way to get me off their books so to speak by any means. So I jumped ship but too late as the damage was done. That increased anxiety combined with the lack of money saw all my progress disappear. I had gotten on public transport again but with no money to continue that I stopped using it and now can't get on again. My wife had to work more and so we could no longer go for drives and even if we could we could not afford the fuel to do it. I kept walking. That was the only thing lack of money could not stop me doing but that anxiety got worse and worse. They fell back too. And not being able to go far by car or other transport meant my world shrunk and anxiety grew with it.
I feel I am back at the start again. Not completely at the start but near enough. I feel like I am about to begin again looking to recover from these anxiety problems which have taken a large chunk of my life. Of course this time around though I am in a much better place. When this all first started I had no idea genuinely if I would ever get better. My mind felt like it could not be altered to calm and get back to normality. That constant doubt and fear kept me stuck a long time. I now know it is possible. I almost got there. I got far enough to know I can definitely recover from this. There is still time. But there are still the same problems existing and new ones and no doubt more yet unseen. I still have no income. I did win my case at the tribunal but got a letter saying I had not earned the funds to keep receiving my allowance. I did though get a chunk of cash backdated but that will run out very soon given I am servicing a debt on top. All that said I need to push on. I cannot just wallow. I need to start moving forward again. This time I am better prepared. There is no need now for me to try medication or deal with CPNs or all the other things that did not work. I know what works. I cannot travel at the moment but with walking and CBT I can start to get better again and in time the rest will hopefully fall into place.
So I have decided to start blogging my attempt at recovery again starting today. I think the best way to do thing is with a weekly post starting today. I hadn't planned on it being a Wednesday but given today is the start of a new year, a new decade and hopefully a new beginning that is what I will go with. As you can imagine not much to report this week. I hope everyone had a good new year and days ahead are good ones.
Not a lot has changed except everyone has gotten older. We have a new addition to the family who is featuring in the picture. His name is Rio (he came with his own name and passport) and he came all the way from Romania. It was my wife's idea but as with everything it would seem it hasn't quite worked out as we would have hoped. More on that in good time. He is mixed but a mix of what we do not know. Google seems to think part Transylvanian hound which would fit but really it matters not. He is who he is regardless of type.
One last thing. Although this is a blog about anxiety and attempted recovery I hope to also post about other things otherwise it would be a pretty boring affair. There is always lots in like to mull over and its a dristraction from the daily monotony of agoraphobic life if nothing else.
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