Palacerigg

We have been getting out and about to places we used to go and very occasionally places we have never been. These ones are harder because I don't know what to expect. Its different when its my suggestion as I usually look things up and go through them thoroughly and plan the journey. I prepare myself sometimes weeks in advance. I can think of only one time in this past decade where I go up not knowing I would be somewhere new later that day at my wife's suggestion. Somewhere far out of my comfort zone. That was the day we went to Dumpellier just 2 months ago and it was not without incident but went relatively OK as it was straight motorway there and back. This time was different.

Palacerigg country park is not somewhere I had even heard of when I woke up yesterday but but by late afternoon I was there. It was not going to be an easy time. I was very panicky and to be honest did not want to go out but felt I must. Mostly it was motorway but I still found it hard. It was nothing though comared to when we started on little roads that had only one way in and out and seemed to stretch on for miles- in my head. That is when I found it hard. That is the bit I found hardest when we went to New Lanark knowing there was no quick exit on to the motorway. This was no different. And like most people who are prone to panic I hide it well but when we got out the car I could tell by the look on my wife's face she knew and she said to me: we can go any time. That helps of course. But panic was such I could hardly get a breath. I knew I could not run and knew even if I had to sit down with my head in my hands for 20 minutes I would have to give it at least a chance to pass.

And it did pass. As bad as it felt at the time it passed. I looked at my phone. I had gone 1/10th of a mile and we had been there just over 20 minutes. By the time we left I had walked over 3 miles and 2 hours 30 minutes had passed. Don't get me wrong the panic kept flaring but mostly not as bad as the initial episode. It turned out to be quite an epic stay by my standards. I managed to train both my phone and my camera. Sadly my little brown camera which came back to life a few weeks ago died for the final time in a flurry over washed out overexposed images.

As I did not know what to expect at this country park but it turned out to be quite a joy. Lots of farm animals to see and a beautiful pond with ducks and the like. We even found a peacock which just appeared to be hanging about someone's driveway wild. I had no idea they were so big and made such a racket. It was a good day out. The kids really enjoyed it. I took lots of photos of course which kept me occupied at least.

After viewing all the animals we went on a walk and stumbled upon treetop walk. This was my second point of panic. It was a rather steep climb and that go me panicky but once I got over that it was fine even if the wooden planks below did not feel so secure. Also as I walked along I had no idea how long it went on for but thankfully it was rather short. The kid really enjoyed this part and would return several times.

My wife did that with the youngest two. The oldest prefers to go off on her own looking for wildlife and gets constantly annoyed by the noise from her two younger siblings. I went off with her to see if we could find any fallow deer but without success. What we did find though were some horses in a field and I think she preferred that.

We ended the day at McDonalds in East Kilbride sitting outside. It was a very long day and it again is going to make me feel even more fatigued this week. Its not just the mental and physical sde of pushing myself out though but the lack of sleep. I have too many things still on my mind to sleep soundly and the sun comes through our curtains too early illuminating the room. As I am an insomniac I am getting very little sleep which is making it harder than it should be but I will catch up on that at some point.

But today though was good. We all enjoyed it and I view it as another little step forward on that road to recovery. In all we were out over 4 hours today which I think is a first for me. Its been a year of doing things for the first time in a long time and that is the only way I will get to where I want to be. And that is what I am doing. Not trying to do but actually doing. Every time I do something like this I feel myself getting very close to that point where it all falls into place.