Contemplation

There is a point with panic and its all about that point. I don't mean a "poke you in the eye" point or a position as such but an instance everything hangs on. And its so simple. A situation is followed by a thought and that is followed by a reaction. The thought is an evaluation of the situation and then follows the reaction. Every great leader is backed by a great advisor- or team of them. The difference between the person with anxiety disorder and the person without is that advisor(s). And this is the conclusion I came to today as I walked and walked and walked some more. I had a route in mind. I had never done it before. I knew I would find it hard. I knew at the middle I would panic and fear I would not be able to make it home and so panic more. I knew this. And stupidly I tried to push through it.

Its not about pushing through it. Its not about trying to ignore it and rush quickly to the end. That is like being in a building with fire alarming blaring and people running about hysterically and turning around to say "Anyway, as I was saying..." calmly. Its a lie and we know we are lying and we can only remain unconvinced to ourselves for so long holding back the big wave of fear before finally it crashes in. And it hits us hard because we had been relying on not having to be hit by it full on. That is the problem. I think back to Dr Claire Weekes and her insistence nearly half a century ago now that recovery lay not in stopping panic but in not caring whether we do panic. This all hit me at that point I had been at so many times.

I was a mile from home and still walking away from home knowing the route I was taking was not going to take me straight back and instead I must reach a road over the dual carriageway and cross before heading back. I knew also there was no point where I could just sit down and phone a lift home. I knew if I kept going I was on my own. I stopped and it was that point. The point where I either turned back or risked pushing on. That was the situation and my evaluation? As advisor I hoped there was Russell Crow in Gladiator standing in the Colosseum making his grand speech. I hoped to have Leonidas fill me with Spartan courage to go on. I knew better than that. I got what I always get. I remember reading "The Face" and in it was an article by the actor Nicholas Cage. A sort of mini diary of a Kerouac style road trip. And in he said how he kept telling himself "I am a Panther". It gave him strength. And some of that would do- yes. But no. As always I got Peter Griffin running from his prostate exam. That is my Spartacus moment.

Normally that would be enough to send me back. That and the fact I was starting to feel really fatigued and breathless. I was thinking I needed to go back. I was thinking by the time I got half way I would not have the air or the energy to get back home. Despite all this I said: fuck it! I am doing it. I cannot keep running away. I am sure I will again but not today. And so I went. It was not the first time. I had done it the day before when I walked down to Bothwell Bridge for the first time. It was a walk I never thought I would ever be able to do. Even though I have been improving rapidly even a few weeks ago I would not have thought it possible to do this on foot. A year ago I went there with my wife but had to drive to it by car. Yesterday I walked there for the first time. Today I walked there from a much longer route. It was not though the getting there or the distance or the time it took. The thing I found most empowering was refusing to listen to the alarm bells. The thing that gave me strength was that while in my head I was screaming naked through a building at top speed with alarm bells ringing there there as a bigger part of me standing tall and saying "Anyway, where was I? Lets move on.."

I got there. I got there and I took some time sitting about down there- despite the rain and wet seats. And when I was ready to leave I went. That for me was achievement enough. Not just achievement though but like another brick cemented into my wall of confidence which this stupidity kicked, punched and took a sledge hammer to until there was nothing but ruin. Little flags planted are like little bricks cemented and I feel so much better for it.

Lastly it was the school sports day today. I have never been to one in my life. If I am honest I really could have done without it today- at the time. As good as it is to knock my pan in walking and walking with panic the fatigue gathers and I slow down to a near stop. All I wanted to do later in the afternoon was rest. I'd done my bit. But I remembered the look on the boy's face when she said "you could come." He wanted me there but it should not have needed that. I'd never been and it was my oldest girl's last one . How could I not go?

I agreed to go to show face but there was no way I was standing out in the playground for the best part of an hour. No way. I did though. It was not just that though. I had no fear at all. I felt panicky at times but did not once think about leaving. I stayed to the end and we all came home together. I could not be more pleased.

Plenty positive to be getting on with. There is always a balance though. These next couple months are the most important since I started this blog but I will get to them when I face them. This renewed strength is welcome but its still not going to be easy. I know without doubt though by the end of this year all will be revealed one way or another. There is a point where this can go on only so long. It cannot go one forever and something must give. Some of that is in our own hands and the rest not but soon  I will know. If nothing else I am in a much better place now to deal with it all than I have ever been since starting this blog 7 years ago.