Gala

I have been challenging panic of late but without panicking too much or for too long. I've had two hard times of late. One was the breathlessness and then panic climbing up the stairs at Chatelherault which was a horrible experience. To a lesser extent I was consumed by panic at Palacerigg but it went within half an hour. The worst I think was at James Hamilton as that seemed to go on forever. What I have been telling myself, and my wife, is that it is important in these situations to stick it out- if I can. The CBT says its not an endurance test though. There is very little point being in panic to the point its not getting better and you are building more fear in an another area to be revisited later. But thankfully in all those 3 cases I cited what CBT has told me did actually happen. I had full blown panic, waited and after a time (varied in each case) it eased and I was then able to enjoy the rest of my time with little regard for fleeing before time. And this has been the case every time. As this has been the case it has made me more determined each time to see it through regardless of how hard it gets. Its still early days and its still going to happen. As much as my world is getting bigger it is still very small- far too small.

All of that meant nothing at all yesterday. It was the local gala day. A big thing here because its actually the first in years- a re-introduction. Not that it mattered in my case. If like most other towns and villages the gala had been running every year I would never have attended one in the past anyway- too far away. The gala day was at the David Livingstone centre. Its only a mile away but even a year ago that was too far for me despite my progress. In fact it was only in October last year that I managed to walk down there for the first time and back. That though to begin was a one off and even up until yesterday although I walked down there and back most school days I had never walked down and stayed down for any length of time. It was going to be difficult. We have all also been tainted with a bit of lurgy this week so even the prospect of going was not something I fancied if I am honest.

I thought the walk would be fine and it was until we got close to the gates. Although its summer it was unusually hot, the road was jammed with traffic and some people trying to find a a way to get it all moving. The paths were also jammed of people coming and going. And even my oldest daughter felt claustrophobic. That was when the panic started to rise.

It continued as we got in the gates and started to walk around the stalls and rides and all the rest. All the classic symptoms were boiling to the surface. It was like the Hollywood interpretation of fear where the heart pounds and the balance goes and vision blurs and the breathing gets more rapid. Everywhere I looked there were people and my thought was that I could not escape quickly and even if I could I had a mile  to get home in an already fatigued state and have another crowd to push through. I think I should have seen it coming. It was a bigger step than I thought it would be.

As a family we say on the grass like lots of other families. I was not hanging about contemplating. I looked about and to be honest I felt jealous and a little annoyed. I looked at all the happy faces and listened to the laughter. People just seemed so relaxed. Hundreds of people all enjoying themselves. And there was me sitting on the ground just wanting to shut my eyes and open them back home. I told my wife I was going. Already I had this post in my head about failure. I didn't care. My wife was disappointed. Of course she was. She wanted a family day out not another day taking the kids places alone- as a single mother. I wasn't enjoying myself- neither was she. She actually asked the kids if they wanted to just go home. I actually hoped they would say yes. The no vote won 2:1 with the boy outvoted by his sisters. So it was I would take the boy home with me and leave my wife with the girls.

It was a setback right? They happen. Too much too soon. Take a step back and try a smaller thing the next day. No need to feel bad. Does panic disorder make us selfish or were we already that way? There is no doubt leaving my wife to be the sole parent for a day out was selfish but it was truely torture. There was no way it was going to get better. There as no way I could feel anything other than torment. I had to go but I kept delaying my escape. Guilt kept me I suppose. It kept me longer and longer and the panic just seemed to get worse and worse.

I wonder if there is a breaking point. CBT says the body can only produce so much adrenaline and at some stage the panic has to die down. Is that was it was? Whatever it was I went from about 40 minutes of sheer hell to relative peace and normality. It just happened and in a moment not only did I not want to escape but I wanted to mingle. From there it was all fine. My wife took the oldest somewhere and I walked about with the other two. I watched the live band for a while who were good. There was a beer tent but I had no desire to have a beer. What I really needed was water. After I met up my wife again we went looking for bottled water and finally found some. It didn't matter that it was arm- I was just so dry. And to be honest I could have stayed there many hours more but it was my wife who finally called it a day after about 2 hours or more. So the five of us, my wife's friend and her daughter all headed home. 

I had the journey home planned. It was still lovely. We could go back through the woods. It would make for a lovely stroll. Wife though wanted to go back the way we came though to get the kids something to eat from the shop. Her idea had been to get them lunch at the gala day. The only hot food was cheeseburgers but by the time we located where they were being sold they were out of them. I was going to go on my own and meet them halfway up but I decided instead to just go with them. I walk that route enough.

As you can see above we ended up in a beer garden. Its actually the same pub as I went to on my own when I posted about drinking  in April. This time though it was outside. On a whim. I had decided not to have a beer at the gala day and would have avoided the pub had I gone back home through the woods. I felt now though a cold beer was a little reward but even that nearly never happened. After the first mouthful I started to feel panic and wanted to leave but again it finally died down. It as a good hour or so. Really enjoyable. The three adults chatted, the oldest listened and the other 3 kids ran about down the bottom of the garden burning off energy. I feel it was a big achievement today. That is probably the hardest time I have had and not only did I manage to stay with it but in total was out for 4 hours which is a long time for me.

Lastly the simple things. As we went home and left my wife's friend and her daughter along the way the kids stopped and played in the mud- literally. Of all the things today I think they enjoyed that most.