Nothing to see here

Its been a week since the last drive and will be at least another week before we go anywhere substantial. I blame the weather. Snow, cold temperatures and mainly black ice have been keeping us off the roads. Today though at my request we had to pop out and already I was regretting it. My wife and kids came back 2 nights ago and panic came with them. It first arrived about 4 in the morning out of the blue waking me up and not letting me sleep until 3-4 hours later. And it just keeps coming in various guises. This, I told myself, was just another form. My abdomen felt like it was being ripped from the inside, I was trembling and felt like I was going to be physically sick. I'd asked to be dropped off to go and investigate what could possibly be a mine shaft but now wished to pull out. When I looked up my wife and three kids were dressed for the outdoors and ready to go. I had to go too.

My wife dropped me off close by. The original plan was she would go to the shop down the road and I'd phone to get picked up. The girls were going to come but now didn't want to. My wife decided it would probably be easier to wait. So I got out and took my jangly nerves with me down a path that looked endless. The noise was deafening. So many cars as rush hour approached on the dual carriageway which would soon come to a stop and with it darkness was coming too.



The more I walked the longer it seemed to be. Thoughts of the map had gone and I had no idea in my mental block where this supposed location was. There were no stomach problems or nausea but instead just rising panic as thoughts of distance divided by oxygen filled my mind. And the fact that I was going ever downhill was not lost on me. Going around a bend I saw no end to the road and wondered how far I could go before moving at speed back to the car.

Finally I found a turn off and started walking up the path. A man with a dog passed me and as I looked around I saw nothing but snow and trees. What was a little disorientating was the way the horizon in this woodland was a sheer slope to one side. I could also see paths leading here, there and everywhere like a forest labyrinth and with the thought of getting lost I retreated backwards out feeling a little defeated.



Coming back out on to the main path my internal safety mechanism was telling me it was way past time to go back but I fought the urge and tried to blank out all the swirling thoughts as I made my way further down the path. Fairly soon I found myself approaching Bothwell bridge and with that the knowledge that I had gone way too far. Not only could I not find what I was looking for but I had also walked too far from the car. Wanting to take with me a memory for later of where I had been in the form of an image rather than this unreliable old grey matter I stopped to take some photos. Another man with a dog appeared so I had to wait about for him to go in my paranoia. What really bumped the panic up was the man's smile and a worry inside that he was about to approach me for a chat.

It would have been nice to get some clear photos down here. Just take this sign for example. Once a pristine marker for walkers and cyclists it is now all but unreadable due to the continual passing fumes. I'm sure when driving by here many times there was an old wooden signpost which I wanted to capture but I couldn't find it and besides- it was time to get back to the car as quickly as I could on what little oxygen I had left. Remembering to loosen the body and remembering to regulate the breathing I set off but soon abandoned them in favour of gritted teeth and moving as quickly forward and uphill as I could.

Yet another stupid notion had sent me into one of these mad frenzy states of panic that I so enjoy: was there a mine shaft down here? More disappointment but at least an answer to my question. As I made my way back I looked down to see what I saw on the map. I should know by now, as per my search for the Clyde, that everything on google maps is flat and in reality isn't. Where I thought I just needed to hop over a fence a few yards to have a look I could now see it was a long drop down. Far beyond me at the moment but I could make out a stream running into it. So nothing nearly as romantic as an abandoned old mine shift worth exploring but instead probably a sewer or such like. Ah well, at least it got my out of the house and cured my curiosity.

It did not end there though. I got back to the car after giving my nerves a right good shake up and my wife drove to the shops. Its not one I've been in for a long a time and I pushed the boy in a trolley for a bit but panic kept rising. The aisles were spacious enough but the checkout was completely claustrophobic and a long line had formed about 10 deep at the only till with an assistant. For a few minutes more I tried to stick with it but it got too much and with my eldest daughter I made haste home on foot.

Back home now in safety but I can feel the momentum building. Today was just another couple of episodes to the growing number I have experienced in the past week or so. Its going to be difficult but that is just the way of things. At least now I can recognise it and if I need to not beat myself up for being unable to do the same as I was a few weeks ago. I don't think its coincidental that it comes during a time the kids are at home for two weeks fighting, screaming, shouting, demanding and all else from the crack of dawn when they rise to the wee small hours when they finally drift off. If I can attribute it to that then at least I have a time frame to work to. If not then I'll just have to get on with it.