One thing is for sure and that is that mental ailments are far more complicated to cure than physical ones. There are of course plenty of physical illnesses that are still to be cured after years of trying but those researching have visibility to work with. They can see the problem through their own eyes and collate the data to draw their conclusions. That is not the case with mental problems where every solution hangs on a theory created by the very thing where the problem resides. It is invisible and cannot be scanned or measured. And by that I am not trivialising physical ailments but instead illustrating the complexity in diagnosing and treating problems of the mind.
It is because of this that the road to recovery is a journey of self discovery. Possibly it is a valuable one. People apparently come out the other side stronger for it which I can see. Additionally I can see first hand that you learn so much about yourself, your anatomy, your mind and other deeper things- if that is where your path takes you. For example by the latter I mean you may try yoga, tai chi, meditation, visualisation, relaxation or something alternative that you would never have tried had the problems not occurred. So maybe there is value to be had but in order for that to have any meaning it would have to be viewed after recovery as there is certainly no room for appreciation of this state when you are amid it.
With the time that passes our understanding grows. The more we read, the more we experience and subsequently the more we conclude builds our knowledge base. But that information alone has not as yet led to recovery, in my case any way. Understanding is needed to remove the bewilderment at least and then build a strategy towards some sort of progress or quality of life. I am a great believer in feeding the mind as much information as possible and letting it draw its own conclusions so over the past 3 years or so I have digested as much written material on the subject as I possibly can. That provides one part of understanding. Just as important is our analysis of our own experiences because we all have different ones so must cater for our own situation accordingly.
What I have learned over the past couple of days is that my own progress of late is not actually progress at all. But that is not a bad thing all told. What I have done is increased my present quality of life. By extending my borders I have been able to live out new experiences which have built my confidence and given me something to feel happy about. I won't knock that and I am still very positive about recent times but at the same time I have been deluding myself that I am in some small way making progress with will lead to a long term recovery. In actual fact I am not. Knowing that though is vital because it was the delusion that brought about the intensity of the panic when it arrived yesterday.
Over the past month, or maybe longer, I realise now I have managed to lower my general anxiety. This has allowed me to feel a little more comfortable, at times, when out while also allowing me the confidence to stay out longer and go further than I have before in these past 3 years. That in itself is a great of course and something I must hold on to, cherish even. The new directions I have gone in the last month or so I wouldn't change for the world when the alternative was being stuck indoors. But the triggers are still there to set off panic and when the switch is tripped I still collapse like a house of cards. It is this which curbs progress and the reason why although I am slowly stretching out further I will get to a point where the prison walls are solid again. By not being able to cope with panic when it comes I am vulnerable and no amount of new experiences is ever going to take away that fear because panic will always be waiting in the shadows waiting to strike.
There is only one way to overcome this and that is to experience the panic. That is what I realised yesterday at the nursery when it hit me and I couldn't cope. It was a reminder that no progress has really been made. On the journey to the nursery I was surprisingly calm, so much so that I commented on it to my wife. In the car park I was still very relaxed. But it only took one trigger. One small set of words to push the first domino over. When my wife commented that we were early and would have to wait five minutes I was fine. Each grain of sand that dropped though started to agitate me. Now we were not moving and now I was tuning straight in to that train of fears with no distraction. Now I realised the panic switch had been flicked and knew that there was no way to reverse it. While I tried to forget, distract, avoid and tackle head on the fear continued to build until I was shaking from the neck down pleading with my wife to take me home straight away. From a false sense of security in my relaxed state thinking I was making progress I was given a reminder but from that I have gained more understanding and stripped off the illusion I had created and bought into. As horrible as the experiences are we sometimes need these reminders or at least I did.
That leaves me now to contemplate the problem. In all my living moments there is only one problem and that is panic. My anxiety is a fear of that panic. Without the fear I would not have anxiety problems. Panic is what makes me restless when alone and makes me scared when I venture out the door. Just panic. While I can improve my life to a degree around this problem like I have been doing I am never going to be truly free until I can rid myself of the panic- or of the fear of it. Again both are one in the same and need each other to exist.
This brings me to the paradox. I have gathered enough knowledge and experience to draw the conclusion, as many others have, that we need panic in order to overcome it. Panic will not just go. It is fuelled by our fear of it so while we remain anxious it will strike at will. The only way to overcome it is to experience but at the same time in experiencing it we feed the habit of fear by not being able to cope with it. That is the paradox for us all stuck in the position. There is only one way out and that is to experience panic without fear. As I once read its not a case of hoping panic doesn't come but instead of knowing that it may come but if it does it doesn't matter. And when it doesn't matter it will then lose its power and will eventually go. Our struggle is what keeps it alive. So just how do we get to the stage when it doesn't matter? Now there is the question and an answer I will, for the moment, keep searching for. Until I find it I must concede that it is here to stay and fight it as best as I can. We are told not to struggle which I can see but when you can't accept it is the only way until a solution is found..
