My wife's best friend has been and long gone. I'm glad to report the fleas never reared their head but they have since been spotted. It went OK. In fact in meant much the same as last time. There was the initial 20-30 minutes high anxiety to get through on arrival then after that it came in waves. Then the following day again around lunchtime I was hit by sheer panic which was very hard to control, not enjoyable but as I had nowhere to run to had to just put up with.
So while the women went off to Glasgow on the back of a few glasses of white wine to see Will Young at the Armadillo I stayed at home with the 3 kids and a couple of glasses of Rose wine. It was I have to say very nice. The kids were well behaved and enjoyable to look after for a change. The TV was off so I just relaxed.
The following day in the kitchen her friend asked if I'd had a good sleep. No was my reply. Lying on a half blown up mattress feeling every bone in my body grind with every turn only protected by the cold with the cog equivalent of a giant tissue paper did not make for a good sleep. I thought the quilt belonged to us but in fact it was her daughter's summer quilt. No wonder I was bloody freezing while the ladies slept in warmth in the bedroom.
But all good. Though my walks have taken a knock since and I've been feeling a bit rundown. This happened last time too. I guess the tension from a period of constant anxiety is sapping. This is also what happens any time you push yourself. You don't become anxiety free but instead cope with it for a longer spell but your body is still straining all that time. Over time you notice these things and it helps because not knowing is very confusing and frustrating.
The good thing is that I didn't dread this visit like I did last year and when it was over I wasn't wishing the next to be a long way off. It seems we learn all the time. And as off as I feel after it these sensations no longer hold me back. Its been 4 months since a day passed without me going out. Even though I've struggled over the last few days I have still gone out at least once and kept up my walking total for the week of 12km. Even tonight when my wife had to nip around to ASDA the easiest thing for me to do would have been to watch the kids while she went but instead I volunteered to go to and we went as a family.
You see when I can I want to push myself out. Tonight was a little different because usually I have got to be in the right frame of mind. This morning during a coughing fit I pulled a muscle in my neck and its bloody painful. Not only on the right hand side of my neck but the shoulder and pain in the upper right arm. So not the way I would usually go out but I went and I didn't enjoy it one iota. In fact at one stage I started to sweat and go dizzy standing in the queue. Not anxiety but just from the pain. But I did it and to be honest I don't know why because it proved nothing and was of no benefit to anyone. But there was one good thing. On the way home in the car in the dark the Christmas lights in the town were on and the kids enjoyed looking at them in awe. That was good enough to hear their joy, I couldn't turn around, but also my wife remarked that I wouldn't have seen the lights last year. That is true. Not the year before that or the year before that. Some things have changed and have become so commonplace that I have forgotten how hard they once were.
