As I turned the corner my heart sank. The food van came into view but was obscured by a number of bodies. An hour earlier I had been out for a walk and there was only one person being served but I was too out of puff to go over. After a short rest I was ready to get something to eat but now all these people blocked my way. Rather than turn around though I decided to go forth. With each slow step I was taking a large inhalation of breath and then exhaling it as I tried to regulate the irregular. But as I walked amid the tight group of people behind the 6 people waiting to be served my jaw started to quiver like a child who is on the verge of bursting into tears. It was starting. Different from Monday but the panic was coming. This time I wasn't going to make my stand, this time I was mentally off the scene like hare.
Defeated again for the second time in a week I made my way home with my tail between my legs cursing every ounce of my stupid body. I had been taken down there by a daily photography challenge. Its just a fun thing with no prizes but its a good stimulant to getting me out. Today's subject was a hot or cold filled roll. That's why I was there and went away empty handed but the smell of the cooked food also made my little tum feel large and empty so I was all the more annoyed at not being able to fill it and instead had to make do with a couple of bags of crisps.
Since Monday's little panic attack I have been struggling badly and despite trying not to let it hold me back I am getting battered down every time. Its not just queueing but life on the whole which I am finding hard just now. Yes I'm still determined. This is the stage in the past where so many times I have thrown in the towel because it was so hard and felt so futile but regardless of how little I am able to do I am still doing what I can. But it is infuriating that months of 'progress' can mean so little after one episode.
Text books say panic lasts 20-30 minutes, if I remember right, but that is bullshit. Maybe the intense panic lasts that long but the effects of it can last for days or even weeks. Physically since Monday I have been shattered, agitated, weak, stiff, shaky and what not. Even walks around the blocks have been difficult and one yesterday almost had me in a panic because I felt so bad. But I do know it will pass and I just have to keep things ticking over until they do. It is though frustrating.
To be honest I forgot how bad it was. I am sure everyone's experience varies in terms of the sensations they get and the intensity of them but in essence we all know that when putting ourselves through the wringer the problems do not come to an abrupt end when we come out the other side. The effect it can have on us mentally and physically are probably not something the medical profession realise. My mind set has not changed since Monday but my body just isn't working the way it has done for the past few months when I was able to walk x kilometres per day without problems. Now as soon as I am out the door I feel like I am coming to the end of a marathon. When things were going well I promised myself that I would not let bad times hold me back but I forgot just how hard it is when you are in a heightened state of anxiety to do what you were doing when you had less of that. I know what is happening and why it is happening but still it angers me. I know the panic has led to heightened anxiety which is now virtually constant and in turn is leading to tension which is tiring me. The adrenalin is wearing me out and on top of that since this mix is not effecting my sleeping pattern its like one ever increasing snowball effect of physical exhaustion.
There is a rebel within us all though which is what makes acceptance so hard. I know in an hour's time from typing this post I will go down there again because I cannot accept that I cannot walk down road and buy a hot filled roll. If I accept that then I feel I will start to develop a defeatist view that everything is beyond my reach. I guess I just have to balance pushing with being sensible, ie keep trying and walk away if its getting too much rather than allow myself to be thrown about about in the mental maelstrom like a rag doll. If I look through my old posts I will see this has happened before and happier times came later so I just have to weather the storm for now until calm returns.
