Getting out of the car I was not surprised to see there were a good few people mulling about under the clear blue sky hosting a warm golden sun. The fact that it was winter was lost on me for the time being. Not that many people actually but enough to give the scene movement. There was no parking lot as this was on a green plateau where others had just abandoned their cars haphazardly too like we had all suddenly be called by sirens to the shore and were out of the cars following their song to end the last of the journey on foot. After locking the car I followed the straggling band of tourists along the path where at the end was the promise of beauty- a clifftop view in a setting much like Machu Picchu. We followed the winding ascending path that wrapped itself around the hilltop.
The light and sound changed as the path took us through a woodland which was densely packed with trees on either side reaching high upwards towards the light they were blocking out from us far below. We could hear the rush of water nearby and scuttling creatures out of view, birds chirping and squealing. From vivid summer colours the surrounds had turned a rustic autumnal shade of brown and red. Although I couldn't see it I knew that we were not far from summit. I checked my pocket to ensure my camera was still there. No point coming all this way and not being able to capture it. I am a slave to the assembled assortment of dots that make up an image and why that is I don't know. It seems such a silly pursuit yet it drives me on like no other.
And I had come a long way. The furthest I had been before was where I had now left the car. I'd never walked this far before. This was a sudden realisation or rather I now recalled this fact that I hadn't previously because my mind was on other things. In fact it wasn't my own doing or not a conscious effort at least. For whatever reason my train of thought brought me here as it always does eventually. As far as I can recall now there were no unusual sensations- just a thought. This little seed of doubt. Could I go on? Never mind that, could I now get back to the car? People passed me at a leisurely pace enjoying the walk and oblivious to this stricken soul frozen to the spot. Everything had been OK until one little thought had popped into the head. Things had now changed. I was so near to that place I wanted to be yet I could not go on. It angered me that all these others had not a care and to them this was not a problem but then again only a few moments before I had been one of them. Could I push on? Not a chance. Already I was worrying about how I was going to make it back. That was my number one concern now dwarfing all other thoughts. The fears flooded in and sent me scuttling back to the car as fast as my heavy legs could take me.
It is rare for me to remember a dream so I either don't have many or just don't recall the ones I have. Very occasionally though, at most 4-5 times a year, I have a really vivid one. This one was part of a few I had this morning and the fact that I remembered them so well was probably in no small way down to a very restless night. As I have mentioned before dreams used to be agoraphobia free but now they are not when I remember them. Other parts of this dream had no connection with my current anxious state at all but this one, like so many others in recent years, brought it into play. They all play out the same way. I am somewhere else far from here and feeling so normal that I have no anxiety related concerns. Then suddenly I remember and the world caves in again. Tortured and cursed even outwith this vile realm.
What it means I do not know, if it means anything at all. This weak I got back out driving and we've clocked up 50 miles so far which is good considering we are getting a rather alarming 'ABS fault' message that the garage needs to look into. And I've stepped up the walks once more challenging myself each day and doing new things. After the weekend when we had a full house nearly all day Saturday I have been free of apprehension and it has allowed me to try new things. Even when I push past the normal barriers though the anxiety is still there more intense than ever and I think this dream sequence was part of the week. But it played an even bigger part in today's events, which I will blog about at the weekend, and maybe that was its purpose. When it came to the crux today I remembered this dream which pushed me into a decision I would not normally take.
