I said I would go back and today I did. Again in the quiet woodland I was at the stream and this time I crouched down putting my fingers in the cold flow. It was a nice feeling. The movement of water like the cycle of life. Where you put your hand is always the present and always changing.
For what ever reason this time around I was not as calm as before but it was still OK despite eventually having to fight panic all the way back to the car. Confidence and well being I have found have a big part to play. For me, and for others, the balance is very fragile and can be tipped over with the slightest sensation which reverberates for some time after. After a long period of confidence it is now like thin glass so I must just be sensible and protect it as best as I can to let it grow stronger again. But it won't stop me trying to find enjoyment where I can within my small confines which are ever expanding of late.
For over three years I could not see a way down here and today I was standing taking photographs of tourists with their own cameras as mementos of their visit. Oceans crossed yet they stood relaxed while the guy who had leaped a stone's throw was shaking like a leaf. This is life for now but it still felt good to be among it rather than watching from afar. And when these situations become mundane and anxiety free I will know it is time to get out the binoculars, stand on high and scout beyond the horizon. For now though I am content to have dreams of the stream in the quiet woodland.
