These past two weeks I have been intensively getting stuck into my CBT course. The reason I have been able to do so is that I am constantly alone from 9-12 every morning now. The boy is at school full time and the wife is on constant day shift for a while. This gives me time without distraction to do it properly and instead of sitting reading through the books trying to take it in I have finally had a chance to watch the videos which I find are sinking in better and helping my understanding.
I am starting to see thing better now even if I am still not coping with them any better at the moment. Its a good sign though- a start, a step in the right direction. The method explained in the book goes all the way back to the Dr Claire Weekes' mantra from the 60s of the road to recovery coming not with stopping panic but in not caring whether panic comes or not. First this requires clear understanding on the process of panic and continued panic which I think I now have. Basically panic is a reaction. Panic doesn't just happen, it doesn't. There are many reasons why our bodies and minds can suddenly spring into action with fight or flight- worries, stress, lifestyle and other things that our mind, without us even knowing it, can interpret as danger and so its perfectly natural for our body's defence mechanism to then kick in. And what happens is we miss these thoughts. All we see is the sudden onset of what we see as symptoms but are actually harmless protective fight or flight sensations. The problem lies in the fact that if we were in real external danger all these senations would help us to fight or run away or even stand perfectly still depending on the danger but when they are kicked off without an external danger we misinterpret then as some sort of internal danger. When this happens we react with fear- that is panic. Panic as I said does not come out of the blue. Panic is our natural reaction to sudden frightening sensations. Again though its important to point out they are only frightening because they are out of context. If for example someone appeared in your path with a large knife coming your way or even if you were on a rollercoaster then we would experience the exact same sensations but would give them no importance because we would see them as understandable given the situation. So its because there is no external source we can identify we think it must be internal. And fight or flight can be set off so easily by so many different sources. I remember one time someone told me something so true: memories have no concept of time. That is a biggy. A memory so deep down in the subconscious can easily be relived in the present without us knowing it and bring fear or even other emotions we find just as scary because there is no external situation justifying it. But the important thing is this. The sensations are nothing to fear once we understand that regardless of what we think they are just fight or flight. This is key to dealing with panic because if we can learn to see that truth then we will stop reacting with fear- we with stop panicking.
Yes I understand that so I feel I am on to the next stage and that is dealing with fight or flight sensations when they arise and trying not to react to them with fear. This is done in stages. Firstly we need to be mindful of these negative reactions occurring by way of detrimental fear thoughts. Secondly we need to then challenge those thoughts with our new understanding. Thirdly we must restructure those thoughts. And finally we must put this into practice. As you can see identifying them is the first thing and this actually takes time. Its something you really have to practice because its so easy to get caught up in them and not realising what is going on and very quickly into panic again. This is the stage I am at and this is where I have actually been making some progress. As yet I am still no nearer to dealing with them- though when I feel up to it I try to- but at least I am starting to see the negative thinking patterns. That is a start. A good start. I cannot do the rest if I am not picking up on these first.
The walks have been going well. After 30+ weeks struggling to maintain 15 miles a week but doing I decided last week to up the ante to 20 miles a week. Last year was my best week of walking in the 4 years since recording and now my target is double what they are. The reason was it was better to strive and not get there than get there and be happy maintaining that. It was goal which I new would be improbable to keep up but not impossible. Three time this year I have done it and two of those were back to back so last week I did it and this week I am on course to do it again but not counting my chicken yet. And my 10 point graduated exposure route continues to be maintained but I must be honest and say its still not getting any easier and even this morning I nearly backed off getting near the school gates.
This takes me back to identifying the thoughts. Although I have been managing to get to the school gates numerous times there is still no reduction on the fear of panic so it is not going to get any easier. The only plus is that I have managed to keep pushing myself there. But now that I am identifying the negative thinking along the way its my hope that this is the start of the process where I can soon start challenging and changing and bringing it all along with me without reacting to it. All way on the walk to school those thoughts there there: I am never going to make, so fatigued, feel like I am going to collapse, my breathing is so shallow, this is stupid going on when I should be turning back, I am going to look like an idiot if I cannot go on, so far away, this panic is growing so I better leave the situation now as I am aggravating it, time to head back now, etc. They just keep coming and they always have done except I just was not aware of it before. I am, I think, becoming more mindful of them and now that I am I can start to look at them and start to challenge them with the truth. I have not done that yet but that is the next stage. That is where the little inner voice builds that Dr Claire Weekes talked of which starts quietly in the beginning urging you on and giving you strength and confidence and with time it gets louder. Its inner strength and this is how it is built- gradually.
It not just the school run though. There is a road I have walked down a few times but I always find it hard. Its actually outside the school when I leave the park and ironically is the same distance up that road as it is going back through the park but it always induces panic. The reason? Well there is a slight incline but I think its more to do with the fact its walking beside houses and having to walk on a defined path whereas on the path, an "L" shape, through the park if it gets too much I can cut across the grass in a straight line to home. Anyway later tonight I went that way and for the first time in a while found I could not do it. Its always hard but usually I still push on and put up with the panic until I am through it and the panic subsides. Mainly its breathing. And tonight although I had to turn back I saw all the thoughts and saw them turn to sensations and from there to fears. Before I turned onto the road I was already the sensing the apprehension and the constant "Don't do it!" thoughts rapidly coming at me and then I was on the street and I could feel my breathing getting shallow. I tried to loosen my stomach but it was getting tighter and tighter and the breathing went to shallow to like I was suffocating and I thought: fuck this, turn back. So I did. A failure but maybe not. Maybe I learned more than I lost and its reason to do it again soon.
But breathing as illustrated there remains the biggest symptom and the one I really cannot cope with. Maybe its because its the one that has been there the longest. And doing CBT has been unravelling so many old memories and stitching them together. Breathing. Problem. The start of my problems. But that is another story for another day. Already this post is longer than I planned.
