Point 9

Point 9 of my graduated exposure. Finally. The push continues. Last year is was a struggle to get to point 6 and then the same the year before- more so. This year its just took off. Quite unbelievable. Finally its coming together.

It was nearly a year ago I wrote a post entitled "A Crossroad" in which I explained about getting to point 5, halfway, in my graduated exposure and finding it impossible to get beyond it. That was written in May 2012. I was getting close to getting past it but not quite getting there. And I was having doubts about whether graduated exposure actually worked because in actual fact I had been doing this for years now without getting anywhere. I would get so far and then find I could go no further and finally give up before decided at a later date to start over again and having to start at the very bottom. In actual fact I had been to point 6 the year before. At the end of 2011 I managed it twice but at night and never during the day and never at a busy time like the school run.

It was in fact 3 months later when I wrote a post entitled "Pushing On" that I finally past it in August but even then I was more concerned with maintaining that, which I was finding difficult that actually pushing on. It was the start though of a 3 month period where I got there a few times a week and I hoped as the year was coming to an end that at some point I would slide up and past the next point, point 7, but it never happened. In actual fact I actually went backwards and for the past 2 months of 2012 could not even get to point 5 never mind point 6.

So starting 2013 I had lost faith again in the graduated expoure and for the first week of the year could not even cross the road to point 2 which was how bad it was. I felt it had all fallen apart again just like every other time. What was the point?

Then it all clicked. Somehow everything just esculated quickly- by past standards. In the second week of January I went from not being able to cross the road to going to point 5 again and by the end of the month was again at point 6. Then on 7th February I got to Point 7 and posted about it giving a detailed explanation of the graduated exposure. For me it was quite incredible not on to get there for the first time in 18 months of trying but just a week later to pass it onto the next point and get to, on 14th February, Point 8 which I never thought I would do. And that is where I have been since repeating the journey and varying the ways of getting there and varying the ways I go after there and generally pushing on to different points further afield.

Today finally I have reached point 9 for the first time. I know it does sound like much but its almost there. I look at the shitty pic from my phone above and see the school gates and I go back to that post a year ago to read how I was struggling to get past halfway. Really all this has happened over the space of a couple of months. It would be wrong of me not to linger on it and squeeze it for all its worth soaking up all the little droplets of hope that drip from it. Something even at the start of the year I thought I would never do. In fact of late so many things I thought I would never do and yet as much as I say I need to linger on them I don't that much. My mind has such a boost that it is already looking ahead and planning where I could push to next. I am not going to stop it.

A little victory today. Though I do have to counter that by saying I don't think I will be pushing to this point again for another week. The schools are still off this week for the Easter break and its difficult getting out for one thing. But more than that paranoia kicks in as all that is in that area is the school and houses facing it so me appearing and stopping at a point and turning around draws attention I am sure escpecially when I look conspicuous with my clawing and trying to regulate my breathing as I try to stay a level above the panic. But it needs to be done and that is the aim for when the kids return to school. This is not really about getting to that point as such. By striving for that point I am making all the other points insignificant which is a good thing because I rarely have to give them much thought at I pass through them.

I sit and I wonder what will be. The latter half of this year will be the first time all three children are at school together. The boy moves up from nursery after the summer and then it will not be that long after when the oldest will be going to high school. And I have never walked them to school or met them after. I wonder if this year I will finally be able to do it. My mind moves beyond that and dreams of then going to school plays and parents nights and all the usual things parents do which I have never done- probably a lot of stuff most parents would rather not do but its different when you build an appreciation through not being being able to do it. The mind churns on down all different paths yet to be walked and I let it because they are all positive thoughts and that can only be a good thing. The more positive thoughts there are the less space there is for the dark doubts and fears and my mood stays good and that helps me get on my way.