Nightmares in day time

I should have seen it coming because there was something not right from the moment I got up this morning. There was something gnawing at my mind which although I could not put my finger on kept filling me with a sense of dread. In snatches that were hard to hold I got the impression I had been woken at some point by a nightmare that I could not recall but was playing over and over still somewhere in the shadows of my mind.

And as the morning went on the feeling of impending doom got stronger and stronger. Its a horrible thing. There is nothing to focus on and challenge, just an abstract feeling constantly nipping away at the grey matter. But I should have seen it coming because its not the first time. However infrequent it is too frequent and maybe becoming more frequent- the last time I blogged about at the start of February so nearly a 3 month break.

My hope was that after the boy was dropped off from nursery and we went for a walk it would go of its own accord as a product of being stuck indoors alone thinking introspectively as I do which is the breeding ground for all negativity. And so we went. Freezing cold wind right in our face and the driving rain so I could not stay out too long for the sake of the boy but it was not shifting anyway. It just kept coming at me.

When we back home it finally hit and just like last time. It started with a brief moment of deja vu and then I was staring all too vividly into the face of it and it scared the daylights of me. The boy was oblivious. As he sat playing the Wii I was rooted to the couch with my head burning and coming out in cold sweats shaking with fear. As always I cannot actually say what it was except now I have the suspicion it was the memory of a weird nightmare that had woken me during the night and as always ambiguous images along to a tune which is playing far too slowly like I am watching something in slow motion. I must point out however that the actual content of these things I have called "fever moments" are not actually scary but they come on so strongly that I get spooked and the fight or flight system kicks off so basically I am in panic.

So I have been reading the CBT book about obsessional thoughts and I am glad I did because it explains it so well. Its just panic and there is a reason for it. Firstly with anxiety, via fight or flight, the mind is in a high state of alert looking for danger and this is how these mental manifestations occur. Anticipatory anxiety does that- in my case the sense of dread from a nightmare I could not recall (until later) and the fear of it returning- the fear which in fact brought it back to the surface. And even with all that the memory in visuals and sound is not the problem. That is true. As I said the content is not actually scary, just weird. But the importance and meaning attached to it is. The reaction. Then there is the point. The point where if you accept it then it will die down because its the reaction which fuels it- just like a panic attack. I had noted this point before and its maybe my problem solving nature that is the cause but there is a point where I sense I must let it go and yet I can't. I have to see it face on and try to rationalise what it is when I know that is the wrong thing to do but I still do it. I keep noting this and so when I read the following in the book I knew this is really what I am experiencing and going through the process keeping me stuck:

"The thought comes in to your already sensitized and tired mind. It creates intense fear. Because you don’t realise that it is simply part of the fight or flight response you attach a great deal of importance and meaning to it and take it very seriously. You then either think even MORE (in an attempt to solve the problem) or try to BLOCK the thoughts which increases your focus on the thoughts which increases your anxiety which leads to more thoughts - a cycle of fear.

As always it dies down but then your memory of the experience keeps it ticking over in your mind - you fear that it will return so this increases your ANTICIPATORY ANXIETY. Not surprisingly it then returns. You need to understand this CYCLE OF FEAR clearly before you can begin to change it."

That is exactly it and I am attempting to solve a percieved problem when in fact its just a jumbled up memory. That is all it is. Thoughts, sounds and images jumped together in a bizarre mess which are not actually scaring but because I add fear because it is foreign (add undue importance) then I end up panicking and getting freaked by it.

As strange as it may sound after a little episode like that I feel shattered physically. Yes there is an explanation for that too which I will leave you with. But I just wanted to say one last thing. Understanding is key. Knowledge is power. I wrote this post not to scare anyone but in the hope that if anyone reading this has experienced something similar then they may also be able to see through it and not add worry that it is something wrong with them and in doing so keep it recurring. Its just panic. Its nothing to worry about and with understanding and putting that understanding into practice with acceptance and non-reaction then it will vanish. It is at root just a form of obsessional thinking...

"What makes one thought obsessional and another not is the IMPORTANCE and MEANING you attach to the thought.When you DON’T attach a great deal of importance to a thought it won’t cause you any distress. For instance, even when you are feeling anxious you will still have many ordinary day to day thoughts - ”I should eat something”, “I have to get ready to go to work” - and so on.. but these thoughts won’t become obsessional unless you add undue importance to them.

With panic disorder the thoughts might be something like..
“I am going insane” or “I will never be able to stop these thoughts”

Because the perceived MEANING and IMPORTANCE of these thoughts is frightening this activates Fight or Flight sensations. We then try to BLOCK or AVOID the thoughts but the paradox is that the more you try to block thoughts the MORE importance you attach to them and so they increase as does your anxiety and fight or flight sensations which leads to even more thoughts.

You can also become quite fatigued. It’s like waiting for something bad to happen for hours or days at a time - it’s no wonder you can feel exhausted."