So cold

I can't remember ever feeling so cold, not in a long time. Maybe its age. Maybe its because I can't remember the last warm day. Its definitely a long time since we have seen anything that resembled a summer. Certainly not the summers I remember in my youth where t-shirt and trousers were the norm through those long days of adventures with friends. At the moment its just horribly bitter.

Today the world was white again. Something we have been hoping for. The swirls of little snow drops circling pathetically in the wind the past few days have been no indication of the actual temperature. A good snowfall usually takes that chill away but not this time, at least not for me. You see I had a walk yesterday and it was long by my standards and managed to get down a street I have never been down, never even contemplated. Despite a hat and gloves I my teeth were rattling by the time I got in. The face was numb with the cold. Back indoors should have thawed me out but I seem to have caught a chill and I spent last night chittering away on the couch wrapped in a fleece blanket and water bottle with the heating on but still chilled to the bone.

Just one of those times of year you look back and are glad to see behind you. That will come. All three kids have appeared during the night in the last week with the vomiting bug so not much sleep on top. The lack of sleep and the bug working on me probably allowed the cold to bite deep. Only my wife seemed to escape it but only until this morning when after a late rise she went back to bed ill where she still lies. Fun times!

Anyway, we should be thankful. Our kids seem to avoid the majority of bugs when they do the rounds and these occasions are rare. It may have stopped me in my tracks for the weekend but that is OK. Allows time to recharge the batteries and get back into the swing of things next week.

Things have been going surprisingly well. As I said I went down a street I have not gone down before- ever. And there was a change. I felt a change. Maybe fleeting but new and positive. As I approached the top of the street the bottom was out of view. Given that I was out of my comfort zone and already struggling this would have been the point where every time in the past I would have turned back and headed home quickly. But I didn't. That little battle in my head where I try to raise the positive voice only to be drowned out by the domineering subconscious, or at least automatic, one was not lost for once. The opposing warning was quieter. A lot quieter. So much so I gave it little more than a glance and a nod. I was going down the street and nothing was going to stop me. Furthermore I was going to take my time and not the usually olympic walker style to get it over with quickly. No point in swapping avoidance for endurance. And so I strolled down batting out the park any little doubts that invariably were tossed my way from the devious mind. And I didn't stop there. I kept going and headed all the way to as far as I can go towards the school. It felt good. Maybe a one off. Maybe not. Something positive to hold on to and try to build on.

Slowly I am creeping further to the school. Or at least I was. I seem to have plateaued at a road I must cross. In total I think I have managed to cross it 2 or 3 times. Maybe I am not trying hard enough or at least not being wise enough because I have started doing a different circuit from there. Really I should be trying to at least attempt crossing. I will. But all in good time.

My tactic at the moment has been distance. Every walk I do is at least the same distance as the school run. Usually its more. On a few occasions including this week it has been as much as 50% more. I have never had such a spell of activity since the agoraphobia started and doing things that I thought were beyond me me for so long. All that is positive. Its something I keep having to remind myself. At the start of the year I would not have contemplated this and I would have laughed had someone told me it was coming immediately over the horizon. A change. A positive change. So all good. Just wish it wasn't so cold.