So cold

I can't remember ever feeling so cold, not in a long time. Maybe its age. Maybe its because I can't remember the last warm day. Its definitely a long time since we have seen anything that resembled a summer. Certainly not the summers I remember in my youth where t-shirt and trousers were the norm through those long days of adventures with friends. At the moment its just horribly bitter.

Today the world was white again. Something we have been hoping for. The swirls of little snow drops circling pathetically in the wind the past few days have been no indication of the actual temperature. A good snowfall usually takes that chill away but not this time, at least not for me. You see I had a walk yesterday and it was long by my standards and managed to get down a street I have never been down, never even contemplated. Despite a hat and gloves I my teeth were rattling by the time I got in. The face was numb with the cold. Back indoors should have thawed me out but I seem to have caught a chill and I spent last night chittering away on the couch wrapped in a fleece blanket and water bottle with the heating on but still chilled to the bone.

Just one of those times of year you look back and are glad to see behind you. That will come. All three kids have appeared during the night in the last week with the vomiting bug so not much sleep on top. The lack of sleep and the bug working on me probably allowed the cold to bite deep. Only my wife seemed to escape it but only until this morning when after a late rise she went back to bed ill where she still lies. Fun times!

Anyway, we should be thankful. Our kids seem to avoid the majority of bugs when they do the rounds and these occasions are rare. It may have stopped me in my tracks for the weekend but that is OK. Allows time to recharge the batteries and get back into the swing of things next week.

Things have been going surprisingly well. As I said I went down a street I have not gone down before- ever. And there was a change. I felt a change. Maybe fleeting but new and positive. As I approached the top of the street the bottom was out of view. Given that I was out of my comfort zone and already struggling this would have been the point where every time in the past I would have turned back and headed home quickly. But I didn't. That little battle in my head where I try to raise the positive voice only to be drowned out by the domineering subconscious, or at least automatic, one was not lost for once. The opposing warning was quieter. A lot quieter. So much so I gave it little more than a glance and a nod. I was going down the street and nothing was going to stop me. Furthermore I was going to take my time and not the usually olympic walker style to get it over with quickly. No point in swapping avoidance for endurance. And so I strolled down batting out the park any little doubts that invariably were tossed my way from the devious mind. And I didn't stop there. I kept going and headed all the way to as far as I can go towards the school. It felt good. Maybe a one off. Maybe not. Something positive to hold on to and try to build on.

Slowly I am creeping further to the school. Or at least I was. I seem to have plateaued at a road I must cross. In total I think I have managed to cross it 2 or 3 times. Maybe I am not trying hard enough or at least not being wise enough because I have started doing a different circuit from there. Really I should be trying to at least attempt crossing. I will. But all in good time.

My tactic at the moment has been distance. Every walk I do is at least the same distance as the school run. Usually its more. On a few occasions including this week it has been as much as 50% more. I have never had such a spell of activity since the agoraphobia started and doing things that I thought were beyond me me for so long. All that is positive. Its something I keep having to remind myself. At the start of the year I would not have contemplated this and I would have laughed had someone told me it was coming immediately over the horizon. A change. A positive change. So all good. Just wish it wasn't so cold.

Bad Samaritan

Its dark around 4:30 in the evening at the moment though in some days its hard to tell day from night such is the dark gloomy weather. When the clouds part though the town in lit up ultra-bright but those days are few and far between. Still we are battling the cold with hot water bottles and fleece blankets reluctant to give the energy man any more than we need to. Reluctant to add to his quarterly billions of profits as he yet again hikes up the tarrif.

At some point though we must relent. Not for the luxury of warmth but for our health because the past few days we have felt poorly with all sorts of things but I am sure down to the cold damp air. Its no way for kids of between 4 and 9 to live with their coughs and feverish tempretures. Spiting Scottish Power is one thing but not when the cost of the children's health.

As I said its mostly dark, cold, skyless, grey and gloomy- nothing new for Scotland. Bitter at times. Come around 5 its pitch black and I usually don't go out for a walk but yesterday I did. Not because I wanted to but because I had to. My wife and kids were with a friend at the shops and they were coming home so I was to go and meet them to carry home the shopping as I always do unless my wife takes the car. So I met them in the dark and the kids were giddy as it felt to them like they were up past their bed time and on a midnight journey .

We were walking back and not far from home. I actually got annoyed. A car slowed down on the road we walked past and he appeared to be looking out. What the hell was he looking at? Like some kind of weirdo and then he drove on. Very strange. As we turned the curve in the path in front of us blocking the path was a figure lying sprawled on the path. Although lacking in light I could tell it was a man and older than me. I had walked past their 5 minutes previous and he wasn't there. Just lying there.

Cars were driving by. Slowing and looking but always driving on. And I'll be honest and say that is what I wanted to do. I am no good Samaritan. That gives me a strange mix of feelings. I take no pride in that and I do feel guilt. I felt a hyprocrit if I am honest. Just the night before my wife was telling me about a girl she knows who comes into her work and how she'd been working in a take away when 5 teenagers came in from a bad area and battered her senseless before wrecking the shop. This was not 5 boys but a mix of boys and girls. And she had said a few people were standing outside the shop watching while this went on. That angered me. How could someone just stand and watch that. Eventually the police arrived- 3 hours after the dust had settled. I wouldn't have stood and watched that happen. Would I?

I remember hearing raised voices and then a lot of banging coming from the back of our home. I quickly went into the bedroom to see what the distrubance was. A flat across the road had its door kicked and the main window was smashed and I could see silhouttes of people inside. No voices now. Just banging and cracking and smashing. Then they all came running out and I quickly moved away from the window realising no one was actually hurt, they were just smashing the place up. I moved to the front room but not close enough to be seen but someone outside was seen because just before the screech of tires as they sped off I heard one say to someone outside: I know your face. You say anything and you'll get fucking done it.

Lovely. So there we were with a body slumped on the path. As we moved closer there was groaning and movement. Still I wanted to walk on. Anxiety, feeling ill and unsure of this. What if? What if this guy had been stabbed and needed help and if we had not walked by he could have been saved? What if the people who done it were lurking in the woodland to the right of us and came out charging and my kids' safety was compromised as a result? What do you do in these situations?

My wife doesn't think things through. She went over and started talking to him, asking if he needed any help to get up. By this time it was clear there was no blood. He wanted up but was a bit of a lump. I grabbed one side and she grabbed the other as we got him to his feet and I could smell the drink off him. Then the cursing started. Not at us but as his head. Effing and blinding as we say. I looked at the kids and moved them on. Awkwardly he was going the same we were and was wanting us to give him a hand home. I ignored him and walked on. By now I was angry. Self indulgence, he gets help and wants more. What about those that really need help and people walk or drive by?

So yes a Bad Samaritan I am afraid to say. If I stumble upon the same scenario again I will most likely walk on by like all the others too unless there is clear evidence someone needs help.