Poolside

There I was. Standing. Amid people. At poolside. Watching my youngest daughter trot off around the top of the pool holding hands with her younger brother to ensure he didn't slip on the watery surface. Would have made a great photo but taking out a camera at a swimming pool might just have got me arrested whatever my intentions. But there I was standing there. Feeling the warmth. The water splashing over the sides and as full as it could be. The kids looking back and waving with their swimwear and goggles on ready for their lesson. And then my oldest brushed by to get to the showers before making her way to the big pool next door. It was something I would not have thought I would be able to do any day for the last however long up until this point where I was actually doing it. And it was not for long but long enough.

Looking back a day later I see all the positives. I tell it like it was a beautiful moment, for me, which in many ways it was. In that moment it was not. All of it meant very little at the time. The only thing on my mind was I had to escape. I had to go. I could stay no longer and I did not calm until I went. For a spell though I stayed with it. Stayed with the shaking and breathlessness and the dizzy feeling wanting to sit down but at the same time just wanting to escape.

I had in fact only gone to the Leisure Centre to drop the boy off outside meeting my wife with the two girls on the way back from school. When I saw her waiting I waved her on inside thinking she would meet me in the reception area. When I got inside there was no sign of her and panic started to rise. I had no idea where to go, nowhere except right back out of there. But I stayed with it. I remembered the changing rooms were off the reception area. So reluctantly I went in and it was bigger than I expected. Still no sign. Wasn't sure which way to go- except again back out. Walked up and down. Finally saw the wife. Went to wave the boy off and get the hell out of there but didn't. Decided to push on. And I stayed. Stayed to help get the kids ready into their swimwear and get the clothes away in a locker and then see them off. Bless them, they thought it was fantastic such are the times I have been missing in their life.

We left and my wife went shopping. As much as I wanted to go home I pushed on to the shops. I didn't stay but did walk a mile. She had said she was not going to be long. In that mile I returned to the shops and walked along the checkouts looking but no sign of her. By that time I had to leave. I was exhausted for the rest of the day. Mentally drained, physically fatigued. But it was worth it.

My wife has a friend who had a bad car accident at the end of last year and has been, understandably, experiencing panic every time she drives. The other day she managed a really big drive into the centre of the busy Glasgow. She got home around tea time and fell asleep not waking until the following day. It is amazing how draining the mental fight can be. But I mention this not for that reason but because she is over the moon. Not because of the achievement but because, as she told my wife: I actually felt normal.

Standing at poolside I did not feel normal. I did it but its still a long way off feeling normal. To begin with that bothered me but now I see I cannot expect any less than that. That is the first step. Getting there first, staying there second and finally repetition. This is the only way that one day it will feel normal. When you cannot do something or go somewhere for years how can you expect the first time to feel normal or natural? You can't. So its a first step and if I can repeat that step over and over then the need to run may ease with time and that has a knock on effect for other things. Its a building process. Some steps on a long journey. Steps nonetheless and let there be many more.