White

I really am going to have to start taking my good camera out. I like the size of the compact but these blurry pics are doing my head in.

The ugly little town lies hidden beneath a blanket of white which sparkled first last night under the light of the moon and blinded today with the strong glare of the low bright sun. I read from a friend on Facebook that it was amazing how a shithole could turn into a thing of beauty with a bit of snow and he wasn't wrong- somewhere else I lived once and no better than where I am now.

In fact I have only been happy in one place I lived and maybe its not coincidence that my problems started when I had to give up my flat there to stay in this place. The biggest mistake of my life. I didn't see it at the time but then I didn't see what was coming. I was out of work, my then fiance had a job. But it was not as if she was not willing to move. She actually had a couple of interviews up North that came to nothing. And on top of that job opportunities for me existed almost solely around her area in the central belt. So as much as I didn't like it at the time I saw it only as a temporary measure. It made sense. Her flat was cheap, price up where I stayed were astronomical. She had a job and I had a better chance of finding work where she lived. So I moved in and we both looked to the future where not in the far too distant future we would move up North before, during or after starting a family.

That was the start of the century. I did find work and was there for 4 years until I was made redundant. Sandwiched in between that we married and our first child was born with the second being born a month after I was paid off. All these years later we are still here and the dream has died and it saddens me as I look out at this town I despise so much. Well not today. Today that hideous beast is hidden under the white satin veil.

The problem with an anxiety disorder, and other mental and physical problems, that have gone on for so long is that you cannot see it changing. Its hard to see it ever changing to the way it was before. I'd need to travel further than I can imagine, I'd need to stay out longer than I could contemplate, I'd need to then get a job, I'd need to earn enough to get a mortgage and finally we would then need to find enough to meet our modest financial needs. Then move. But I can't see getting out or staying out.

Maybe this is what the flashbacks are about. Its a weird thing. Flashes of places I lived before. Instances of nothing in particular. A yearning seeping occassionally through the cracks. Better days.

But I am trying and over the past few weeks or months confidence has been slowly building. With that the wick of hope is rekindled to shine even if only dimly but with each step further out or each second longer out the dull flame burns a teeny weeny wee bit brighter.

At least today its not so bad. The world of hate is buried and I hope it never melts until the day I am driving out of this hell forever sending the moon from the back window of the car back in its direction.