Doctor Self

Its been a difficult time and it remains the case. Its nothing new and nothing I need to bother others with as I so often do. The point of this blog I have lost along the way. I set out to talk about my life and dealing with my anxiety problems. As time as passed I have allowed my own obsessional thoughts to creep in here to begin with and now spill full flow. Its not what I intended to do. It stops now.

But what I will say is that because of my restrictions due to my inability still to cope with anxiety my problems are magnified- in my head. You see if I have a problem I cannot just go to the doctor or if its bad go to the hospital. Rightly or wrongly doctors are also reluctant to come out and I am reluctant to call them. So the offshoot of that is that I have to become my own GP. Since I don't have a medical background that has shown to be problematic and always will be for as long as I am agoraphobic. I'm not a medic but maybe the arrogant problem solving part of myself thinks I don't need to be and I can break things down to a resolution through reason- let's face it I have no other choice.

More and more I am seeing this as problematic. Misdiagnosis is a regular word in my head and even a proper diagnosis is always clouded in doubt. The former though leads to prolonged problems. It can lead to more severe problems. Both of which I have encountered in the past 2 weeks and for all I know longer still. Something that was preventable was missed. Something that then became fairly simple to treat was then left untreated. Misdiagnosis. Two things. Cause and effect, primary and secondary. I got them the wrong way around. By the time I saw the mistake I think I did then make the right diagnosis but then another mistake by presumption. The treatment was wrong and it was almost at the point of no return that I discovered this over a week after the initial problem started. Third time lucky and finally relief but then other problems have come from that which would not have bred had it been prevented at the outset or treated correctly early on. So now another problem and hard at work at another diagnosis. I could write my own medical book, maybe I should for myself to refer to.

Dorsal Fin

5 years ago on the back of a virus I got the flu. All my life when I've had this it had lasted no more than 3 days- not enough to keep me off work anyway. Throughout life everyone gets it. Usually I would just sup on Beechams and sleep then by day 3 I was right as rain. When I say sleep I mean at night because I've never been one for spending long spells in bed during the day and instead like to walk it off- when I could.

5 years ago though this flu was different- or maybe I was. It lasted 4 weeks and even after that it seemed to linger. It cost me well over a stone in weight and a month of work. One night among that I had a real fever and had to lie in bed. This is when I thought I was going mad. It's very hard to describe but there was something in my mind which last a second or two but looped over and over. It was audio. Beeps, an endlessly repeated pattern of beeps. It drove me up the wall and sent me to the edge of madness.

It was a one off and I've had nothing like it since but I think it was the start of something and maybe even related to the anxiety that would come later. It was a thought that was stuck like a scratched record. Since then there have been times when something had popped into my head and won't go. It doesn't happen that often but a thought comes and won't go. Not really a thought at such but a word or a phrase. Very strange but I can see how this can be linked to the horrible thoughts I get which won't go during anxiety.

So 3 days ago I awoke to the words "Dorsal Fin" in my head. Why that particular term entered I do not know? It's a mystery. It was there though and wouldn't shift for a good hour. Finally though it went. Then the following night I was getting the bath ready for the baby and it popped in again. Once more it wouldn't go.

Now I know what a Dorsal Fin is but I am no marine biologist. What was the purpose of this? Was it a sign of danger sent from somewhere within or without? Was it supposed to spur a visual with an accompanying soundtrack of the theme from Jaws? I don't know but I thought I'd better at least give it some attention so it might finally disappear.

According to Wikipedia:

Its main purpose is to stabilise the animal against rolling and assist in sudden turns.
Maybe it is something related to my lack of balance. Possibly my subconscious is telling me to grow a Dorsal Fin to aid my balance. That would be scary.

Waiting for the sun

What a really terrible summer it has been and it's almost gone. Today though looks like it could be a goer. I've only got a patch about 2ft by 2ft outside the house but it is something, technically a garden but a joke to call it that. Still our Factor still charged like its Kew. All I need is some good weather to allow me some time outside away from the 4 walls and relieve the cabin fever. Today looks like it could be the day. I've been waiting all summer for it, now I wait again. It's 9:15 and the sun won't come around my front until after noon so hopefully it won't cloud up before then.

Yesterday I managed 2 walks. The longest one wasn't as long as the day before which was my longest since starting this blog but at least it was an overall increase. The same is required today again as a minimum. Really I could have done alot more so must try harder. I also put together a map yesterday which I just need to plot and then hopefully keep a record of the walks to refer back to so I can see any progress, or lack of it.

Still can't shake this throat complaint I have at the moment. For the 4th morning in a row I have awoken hoping it has gone but it has not. At least it's not stopping me eating or doing anything else. I'll just have to persevere. If I don't think about it then it's not apparent but the problem with anxiety is that it is hard not to think about it.

Something a little scary happened this morning too. I was feeding my 3 year old breakfast on my knee- the flat is too small for a dining table and the kitchen is barely bigger than the garden. A shudder went right through me and I found I had to cough to breath. Very strange and a little frightening. My left hand is sore now which I think occurred at the same time. Really nothing to worry about if I can convince myself.

I'm trying to stay focused and positive in what I hope can be one of the better days if the sun stays out. I will be without my distractions which will be good but prove hard because I just know I will get agitated. We'll see how that goes.