The big five-oh

 Everyone is different and deals with aging differently. In my own case I have not felt anything negative over the years. When I was a teenager I thought 30 was old but not when I was 21, I thought 40 was old. And at 30 I thought 50 was old, at 40 it was 60. For whatever reason though at 50 I feel 50 is old. I don't know why exactly. I lot of people I see that seemed a lot older than me are suddenly not and yet there has always been the same gap. I feel more aged and look more aged. I see changes that for the years previous I did not. And this led to a lot of unexpected anxiety on the eve of turning 50. Bordering on panic. Must like other anxiety inducing things in my life I just wanted it over with and when it was all calmed. I build things up in my head. 

I have started looking at other people's ages I thought were well older than me. People in the public eye. As I said I have found they are not that much older. Of my friends I am the second to hit the half centuary but it passed without mention such is the way of things. One of my friends had his birthday last year in lockdown and the rest are next year. Most are planning big things that I will not attend and maybe that is why my own is not on their minds. But that is OK. I needed it to pass quietly and it did.