New Lanark

The road to New Lanark is narrow and winding and long and seems to take forever. Its not the best kind of road for the agoraphobic. When I asked my wife if it was possible to take the motorway back home it was the first sign of desperation. I should have seen what was coming. And when she replied that it was not possible the panic consumed me. All the old feelings and images. With regards to the latter its like a map showing where I am and where home is and the distance and then things that can go wrong and lots of other distance related things. While this images race through my mind I start to tremble and my breathing gets shallow. Everything gets too bright and I cannot focus. The need to escape consumes me and the alarm in my head is deafening. That is the state I was in. It felt like the card was shrinking in on itself and the road behind us was growing and becoming congested. The plea to turn around immediately was on my lips but would not come out.

Disappointment. The fear of failure. Failure in the face of others and in my own mind. That fear. I should have seen this coming. It was almost a year ago that I found myself out and unable to return. Well out of my comfort zone and stuck there. Although I got through it still have a massive negative impact in the month or so after it. The same sort of thing happened a couple of weeks ago and since then the panic has been flaring again like it had never eased. We were out at East Kilbride and I had agreed to go for a beer. As we were going in though my wife decided it might be a good idea to get the kids a meal while we were there. I was against it though as I had no idea how long that would take and did not want firstly to be stuck there until it was ready and eaten but also I didn't want to become the source of their disappointment.  So I said no and my wife was not happy. This led to guilt, panic and once again being stuck out in panic with no way home. Again I got through it but wave after wave of adrenaline fills the body and for a good time after panic seems to trigger more easily as a result.

So that was the state yesterday. I should have seen it coming and in truth knew deep down it was coming but i did it anyway. And i got through it as I said but it was not enjoyable and its the worst panic I have had in a long time. Its a reminder that I need to get back to CBT again. I have abandoned it for a long time because to be honest the panic had died down to such a low level. Everything has been going as the course said it would. I have been going through panic and this has stopped me fearing it as much and as that fear has lessened the panic has come less frequently and less intensely to the point where mostly I was not bothered by it. Since that night though its been back as strong as ever. I need to get back to the CBT and keep going. The only plus point is I have not let it hold me back but this is only a good thing if I am not re-enforcing fear every time and that is soemthing I could possibly be doing.

I did get to New Lanark though which is where we were headed. Unusually for me I did not plan ahead but it was a spur of the moment thing. We went out for a drive to break up the day and my intention was somewhere local. Quickly it changed to there and I had no idea of the journey or the distance. The panic hit a few miles from there and continued even when leaving. The strange thing is though from starting to it eventually going I travelled on to New Lanark and spent about 15 minutes or more walking about. Were it not so cold and were it not so late I would have walked more. But I did all this in the manner the CBT teaches. That is to say I did not try to blank it out or tense up against it but just allowed it to rage while I got on with what I wanted  to do. This is the fear part. I cannot change the sensations and the thoughts and everything else attached to panic but I can change my reaction to it and that was just to achknowledge it and let it be knowing it would die down. In all it was about 30-40 minutes it went on but it ebbed and flowed in that time.

New Lanark. Because we went on a whim we did not prepare. I wanted to see the Falls of Clyde and I did but only from afar. We had gone in a wrong entrance and it was only after we were home I realised the correct way in. It was a strange experienced. Maybe it was the panic or maybe not but the sheer drop was making me feel a bit weird. It just felt like I was falling forward. I didn't let it deter me though. As the other went back to the car I went with my youngest daughter in tow in search of the old burial ground and found it. I have to say at this point there was no panic. I was completely calm and it did not flare up again until we were leaving. Its just a shame we were viewing everything from afar. I have seen photos of the area during the day when populated and at ground level but we were alone up on high. Definitely a place I will return to but to be honest I am not sure it will be any time soon.