Working towards something

Something former TV presenter Richard Madeley said in an interview has stuck with me. I can't remember where I read it or what magazine it was in. I can't even think why I would be reading any magazine which had an interview with him. But I remember his saying he gets up as soon as he is awake and that is something I  can relate to.  And I can relate to his reasoning too. He said the reason he has to get up is that if he lies his thoughts start to lead him to feeling depressed. I can most definitely relate to that.

That is not to say I have a problem with depression. I don't. Well, I don't think I have. And here we go as I start to talk myself into it. No, I don't. I have depressive thoughts which is a very different thing. In my position its very hard not to have those type of thoughts. Hopefully though those thoughts are less now than they were given I cam getting out more, for longer, further away and to new places. Or maybe not. It seems that as I get on top of one thing it gets subbed by another. For example I stopped smoking 8 weeks ago and that was a good thing? Since then though I have not felt any better. The book I read told me I would have a renewed energy and breathe better but I have had none of that. What I have had is toothache and other tooth related problems leading to worry about them as I am still not in a position to go to the dentist and even if I could I think the fear of what may be found there after years of smoking may drive me into panic before I got anywhere near. That though is life. One thing at a time.

What I have been noticing though is that being more active has the same sort of positive and negative trade off. Being inactive like lying in bed after waking allow more negative thought patterns to weave their stories in the head. Being active stops that. When I am tramping through the forest I am not thinking of debt or how big the children have gotten so fast or that pain or this blemish or anything else. But the more activity brings more fatigue and when the mind is fatigued more negative thoughts stick and are harder to let go. Always a trade off. 

Life though is better for sure. Being able to do things I never thought I would ever do again is something that I forget all too easily. If someone had told me a couple of years ago I'd have been taking the kids to school and I'd have visited my parents I would not have believed them. No chance. Now that I have done that I fear it less and so it does not seem as big a deal. I must never forget it is.  I must never forget where I was and stop complaining that I am not where I ultimately want to be.

For a long time I have been thinking about work. For all the good I have been doing work still seems a long way off but not so far that I have not been considering what to do- if I have a choice. I know what I would like to do. I'd like to be a travel writer. I'd like to be a travel photographer. That is what I would like to be. But that is unrealistic. The agoraphobic travel writer is more than a bit contradictory. Dreams rather than realistic goals. Ultimately I would take anything. I am not that ambitious but I have also taken steps to do something  I would rather do than want to do. My background for a long time was computers. From IT to database administration to programming. I've actually enjoyed them all or at least preferred them to other things. So I have decided to brush up a bit and learn a new language. After some research I have decided on Java, bought a book and now working my way through it. It won't get me a job and it won't make me self sufficient but I at least feel I am doing something positive with a view to future employment. We will see. The proverbial chap at the door from the Job Centre is imminent.

Also in preperation for that my wife drove me to the Job Centre last week. It wasn't quite the way I expected. I thought I could just go in and hang about for a bit then leave. Its changed days. We got to the front doors to find it all very much open plan and a reception desk so there was no point in going in. It was at least a walk up to the door and now I know what lies in store even if its a pain to get to using public transport.

We have in fact been lots of different places. Its been good. I have enjoyed it thoroughly and hope for me. I am finding more and more even if I have problems weighing me down I am will to just keep putting myself into fear and dealing with it. It is becoming less and less the case that I am not doing something for fear of it and as a consequence I am considering these things less and less too and instead just doing them. Not sure if I am going anywhere at the moment but I am sure I am not going back which is something. Feel like I am working towards something. Not sure what, something. Time will no doubt let me know.