Little things matter. Well they do to me. Every little thing new is an ounce of hope where there was none before. If only there was not such a trade off. The fatigue is crushing at times- really hard to cope with. And this fatigue and my inability to cope with it brings panic where there was none.
As I said previously it was a big thing for me yesterday going into the nursery. Such a small thing for others magnified by how small and confined my world has become over the years. But it shattered me after. This though I was determined not to let win and so I pushed on. As I have been doing of late on top of the other walks I went into the Sport Centre and got the boy ready for swimming. For the first time I returned to get him out of the pool, dried and ready. Something my wife really appreciated as usually its her on her own having to do it for three children. So I hope to repeat it every week to give her a bit of a breather.
Today I had no energy at all but I pushed myself out regardless as I have learned the important thing is not to do X number of miles but to make the effort to do what you can. Many times in the past I would have just not gone because I could not make it far- or so I felt. But what I have also learned is that usually this fatigue lifts when I got out the door. Not right away but during the walk. This I think is the anticipatory anxiety. The apprehension over going out and not getting far weighing down the fatigue. The worry in those early steps of having to turn back. Then as the steps gather the apprehension eases off. But still all that anxiety and the fatigue it generates comes crashing in.
This morning I did not get into the nursery again but did get to the school gates and afterward on the way home decided to go for a cuppa with my wife and her friend and her friend;s little boy. And I bought the drinks and we sat until we finished and it was OK. No anxiety at all. Then another woman arrived and it was our cue to leave. No rushing away. A good "achievement" in my mind. Another time out. An hour from leaving until getting home. But again when I got in the fatigue came crashing in and I lay on the sofa fighting sleep. A body to tired to stay awake and a racing mind to awake to sleep. A friction of wills. Not helped by a letter from the DWP saying they are now dealing with my appeal but from reading the letter I do not hold out much hope without the GP's letter which he will not write until asked and they have made it clear they are not going to ask.
Thankfully when it came time to pick up the boy my wife suggested the car. This was a good thing. The fatigue was so heavy I knew it would be a struggle to walk there. But even that blessing was not enough when out of the blue I was consumed by panic. And it continued until we were ready to go and before going out I want to say: I can't go. I went. In the car several times I wanted to stop the car and flee but I stayed. I had it in my mind that I must wait until the panic passed and not before. At the nursery though I could not get out the car and on top of that I was already planning to walk home because I could not stand the wait. I did wait and finally we drove off with the boy and then the panic subsided. Not good. What I should have done was waited until the panic subsided then leave instead of once again re-enforcing the mistaken belief that I had to leave for the panic to die down. After that we drove a few miles more here there and everywhere.
It taught me though a lesson. It was a reminder. Standing in the nursery for the first time, sitting in a cubicle drying my son for the first time and sitting in a cafe drinking tea with two others. All things I would not have imagined at the start of the year. But they were all possible for one reason: I did not panic. It is here I must see the difference. It is in not seeing this difference that I got caught out so badly today with the panic. It is the reason why I have not done CBT for a good few weeks now. There is only one achievement worth talking about and one that is life changing which I have still not been able to do and that is to sit somewhere outside with panic and stay in the situation until it passes. If I panicked in any of those 3 scenarios I would have left. So the difference of late is not that I am coping better or things are getting better but just that I have been experiencing less panic. I now understand why the CBT says you need to experience it to recover. It is important and this is what I must work harder on.
That said it is still nice to be able to sit and have a cuppa and chat away from the same 4 walls. For that I am grateful.
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